A New Song

Love and regrets

2011-05-30T16:52:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to this song alot recently,

Admiral Fell Promises - by Sun Kil Moon

Come out from the burning fire butterfly
Let me lock you in my room and keep you
For a while
Could you be the answer to my every prayer?
Could you be the one for who I care?

Come into my arms and let your worries die
Come out from the web of all your tangled lies
But be true to me and I’ll be true to you
Judge me not for what I’ve done but what I’ll do

A million nights have led
To this one that we are spending
And I know it’s better here
Than anywhere I’ve been going
With every morning grew
A void more wide and endless

Come out from the burning fire butterfly
Let me lock you in my room and keep you
For a while
You watch over me and I’ll watch over you
And if you go tomorrow choke me ‘till I’m blue

A thousand days have passed
In this house she and I were sharing
And I hate myself for it
But I have stopped caring
The Marilyn sky tonight
Is so black and blue and beautiful

I first heard it when I was in a different relationship last year. It was the type of relationship where we soon found that neither of us could really reach each other and so many words ended up lost in translation.

Yet, we both longed for something deeper, stronger and more real than what we could offer each other.

It was on one of these days particularly when I was filled with a yearning to be better for us, for the relationship, that I discovered this song on NPR. It's beauty and it's hope to reach the other person struck me and I shared it with him. But I feel that it was lost on him.

Now in my present relationship, I've suddenly come back to this song. Nothing in life is certain, there are no guarantees. Life is imperfect. And I've come back to this song because life moves in circles, but this time, the song isn't lost on the one I long to share it with.

Back in the day when I was younger and urgent to share my faith in Christ, I spoke to a friend of mine in class about Him. We were on the phone when I told her about my faith in Christ and how much he loved her, she then told me about her boyfriend and how she felt that she didn't need God. I told her about how a person's love can never be perfect, but God loves us perfectly. This one thing she then said to me has stayed with me ever since, "maybe I love him precisely because he's not perfect."

Today, I discovered something else, growing up, I had always felt that there was something I could have done to keep my parents marriage from falling apart. I could have been better, tried harder, I could have prayed harder, I could have been a kinder, more loving, more supportive daughter to my parents.

Today, I discovered, there was nothing I could have done to stop their marriage from falling apart. There was nothing I could have done to deflect the hurt of a scarred marriage.

Somehow the realization is stunning. I'm humbled to realize it. I could not have willed their marriage to work out. It was beyond my control. I can only learn to make peace with it and try to live my life in the best way I know how.

As I am sure my parents have done.

Shapes

2011-05-01T23:07:00.000-07:00

Time and time and time
again,
the colors build
the shapes grow old

Tattered and worn,
tossed and scattered
The edges, worn down
have lost their
jauntiness

I look at you,
you look at me...

I see a faint outline

Who are you and
What are you defined by?

A keen sense for
verbal calisthenics and
quaint accents?

A sloping back
and a slack jaw
in the midst of
sonorous slumber?

A solid nod
and bear strong hands?

A worn-out shape
and teary eyes?

A smile that lights
up your face

...and my life respectively?

I've decided not.

Love defines you.
It's your shape
Love defines you

..and when I strip it down
to the core
There is nothing more
and nothing less

than the shape
I know so well.

Your shape is love.

Esteban

2011-04-21T13:04:00.001-07:00

My world is getting smaller

but it’s also getting bigger

I’m sinking into that silky cream

of love and laughter, tears of joy.

I’ve held on to brokenness too long

and now there’s nothing left to cling on to

Neither present, past

nor future tense

The grammer lesson’s over

and now I’m ready

to run with you.

(lets break the bank)

You, Me

2010-12-28T12:30:00.000-08:00

If you will be you
So I will be me
If you will glimmer
And shine and herald
All the pieces that make
Our existence more than brine
I’ll laugh and listen
I’ll bid you my sire
I’ll take you into my fire.

The Beloved

2010-12-14T14:52:00.000-08:00

Four walls,
Encased
in the living, brooding black
Hot, crackling fury writhes in the vacuum
I crave, I thirst,
I am crawling on my knees

but

Your words,
they break me
They feel like
shattered glass
and the screaming hammer
against the door

A child, blithely
Bouncing, up and down
Up and down
on the mattress.
Even as the world
Crumbles and implodes in the universe of
Her heart

and

The door is marked
With the deep round imprints of unmitigated
Rage.

Give me space not
Broken nights harnessed
By the gnawing, nameless
Certainty that

Tomorrow,

I’ll see the image
Of your back
Walking out on us again

…

Brother, when you read the news
At the dining table, sunlight filters
Thru’ thru my mind

You sit quietly,
in silent enjoyment
That picture fills my heart
And the noise clears my head.

I travel through the
Amazon,
a myriad maze,
Lurid jungle book

The endless tirade,
Those tin gods
Those yells,
Those lusty, knowing voices that
Insist, persist on telling me
With such intense glee

“You’re Wrong
That’s your name
You’re Wrong
You’re Wrong

wash the dishes
clean the house
scrub up, work hard,

SMILE,

Even harder,
Slam down the competition
With your grades,
If you can…

Shut your mouth, … and maybe
Just maybe
Things will get better

But only
if you can
learn how to be good,
can’t you learn how to be
like all your friends?
Can’t you learn how to be
Like them?

This house of cards
Will stand maybe
If you SHAPE UP
If you BEHAVE
If you ERASE YOURSELF
And BECOME LIKE THEM
YOU SICK,
FUCK UP,
YOU PATHETIC LITTLE PIECE OF…”

are silenced.

…

I stumble out
onto a vast green field.

Blinded by the burning sun,
assaulted by the sudden scent
fisticuffs of daffodils
dappling the green, green… green grass,
Fear screams in impotent protest
Then fades away,

And the flowers
wink in quiet
acknowledgement

as if to say ...

….

I breathe deep,
bow down low to a single daffodil
Hold it between my palms
And kiss its thirsty face,
Beauty explodes

Reservoirs of tears,
Engulf me,
Filling the ache.
Reminding me, again
That I am,

The Beloved.

Borrowed Time

2010-07-29T23:24:00.000-07:00

Waking past
these early hours
I wonder how you think
and feel

The witching hours
have come and gone
and now we are left alone
so alone

Which way you turn
and how you'll learn
to play the game
and dance the steps
down these narrow paths
as I watch the hours
steal away
on borrowed time

Do what you do
to live, to live
only keep me close and
hold me tight.

As I watch the hours
steal away
on borrowed time.

Notes From a Post-It Note

2010-05-07T22:42:00.000-07:00

My childhood friend gave me stationery from Japan about two years ago. Among the stationery I got is a very nifty post-it note stack. On the top left-hand corner of this stationery is a cheeky black cat with big eyes and pointy ears. On the bottom right-hand corner is a little cartoon girl in red holding a red balloon. Next to the cat is a succinct statement that sums up exactly how I feel right now.

"I wish I were a cat. He always enjoys his freedom, taking a nap, walking around, and taking a nap again. Sometimes he makes mischievous tricks on sparrows."

=)

Oh Beautiful Dreamer

2010-04-05T00:24:00.000-07:00

Oh Beautiful Dreamer, what is wasted time
But hours submerged ‘neath the intrepid waves
Of your consciousness lapping
The ebb and flow of your wakefulness fleeting

Oh Star-dusted Dreamer
Can we argue with our destinies?
Can we delay the appointed hour
And can music roll away our madness?
Of tin-pan saucers and sauce-panned eyes
Of baby’s breath into a video-camera screen.
We live. We Dream. We Make. We Believe

You and I both. Carving out our spaces in the
Eternal density we call Time.

2010-03-14T08:51:00.000-07:00

Memories…will they rain down
On me. By the time I hit thirty?
Will they thrive on
Lonely nights
And silent walks
Or will they trickle down
Like water in my hair?

Solitude.. to learn to
Love my company
And savor the vaulting expanse:
This consciousness You give to me.

Words, to pierce my heart
And to sting my eyes with tears:
Salty drops igniting
The glowing embers
of my soul.

Spirit, to cleave to You
Water, over which to walk to
You, through the storm.

And music…

Music to hear the lovesong
That You sing over me.

GRAN TORINO

2009-04-22T09:54:00.000-07:00

by Clint Eastwood, Jamie cullum, Kyle Eastwood and Michael Stevens

So tenderly
Your story is
Nothing more
Than what you see
Or
What you've done
Or will become
Standing strong
Do you belong
In your skin
Just wondering

Gentle now
The tender breeze
Blows
Whispers through
My Gran Torino
Whistling another
Tired song

Engine humms
And bitter dreams
Grow heart locked
In a Gran Torino
It beats
A lonely rhythm
All night long
It beats
A lonely rhythm
All night long
It beats
A lonely rhythm
All night long

Realign all
The stars
Above my head
Warning signs
Travel far
I drink instead
On my own
Oh,how I've known
The battle scars
And worn out beds

Gentle now
A tender breeze
Blows
Whispers through
A Gran Torino
Whistling another
Tired song

Engines humm
And bitter dreams
Grow
Heart locked
In a Gran Torino
It beats
A lonely rhythm
All night long

These streets
Are old
They shine
With the things
I've known
And breaks
Through
The trees
Their sparkling

Your world
Is nothing more
Than all
The tiny things
You've left
Behind

So tenderly
Your story is
Nothing more
Than what you see
Or
What you've done
Or will become
Standing strong
Do you belong
In your skin
Just wondering

Gentle now
A tender breeze
Blows
Whispers through
The Gran Torino
Whistling another
Tired song
Engines humm
And bitter dreams
Grow
A heart locked
In a Gran Torino
It beats
A lonely rhythm
All night long

May I be
So bold and stay
I need someone
To hold
That shudders
My skin
Their sparkling

Your world
Is nothing more
Than all
The tiny things
You've left
Behind

So realign
All the stars
Above my head
Warning signs
Travel far
I drink instead
On my own
Oh
How i've known
The battle scars
And worn out beds

Gentle now
A tender breeze
Blows
Whispers through
The Gran Torino
Whistling another
Tired song
Engines humm
And better dreams
Grow
Heart locked
In a Gran Torino
It beats
A lonely rhythm
All night long
It beats
A lonely rhythm
All night long
It beats
A lonely rhythm
All night long

Jalan Ampang

2008-12-15T04:13:00.000-08:00

When old memories, creep up
on you like that
and when dust filters
through the light
and the past is
captured.
in a tiny capsule

It follows you back
into the still repose
of sudden silences
and the dogs barking
The hours drawn out
against the day, washed-out
like an overexposed polaroid

The taste feeds back into
the heart;
into an eternal place that
the years passing
cannot touch

And the days are drawn over; a
papery wrapping; tightly spun
around
that unchanging reality
Called memory

Oh! time has flown by
and we've gone
Our separate ways,
scattered and dispersed
along the lines
we have walked;

lost in the distant places
we've dreamt of,
wandered far and wide with
all of our fragile strength

We've been broken and torn
In the sinewy fibers
of the heart,
worn to the bone
in the porcelain
quality
of our frames

But we've been glued back,
healed
and then secreted away
into the treasure trove
...of a tree-trunk.

A child's hideaway - hearts delight
mended, like broken toys, which will come out
to play again; tonight

Travels

2008-07-28T20:30:00.000-07:00

What is it about traveling
that makes one
likely to capitulate

to warm fuzzy emotions
that makes everything else
pale in comparison
to the dream tinged moments
you shared together

With people u meet
on your travels?

Kitsch

2008-03-29T10:06:00.000-07:00

Kitsch: art, objects, or design considered to be in poor taste because of excessive garishness or sentimentality, but sometimes appreciated in an ironic or knowing way.

recognition
that simple glance
a slight brush
against your skin

and you're reminded
of a time ... not too long ago
when you dreamt
deeply

Design
a fabric pattern; or
deliberate intention
the universe
... and a solitary ant
trudging,
morsel on its back
homeward bound

Hope
and mystery
weave in endless
minutes that meld
one into another;

Repetition and
metamorphosis
borne unto the days
like Siamese twins

Control
Tightrope walking
on an endless road
when will it end?

Sleep
beckons; dreams
to reckon with
it's a new day tomorrow
let me be transformed
in slumber

Psalms 131

2007-09-02T12:55:00.000-07:00

This is the image i know so well, each time i walk from the 12th floor of my block to the 10th floor where I live. My home.

It's been quite a journey thus far, full to turns and twists and darkness. But here i am back home yet once more.

'Life is a long lesson in humility' - James Matthew Barrie

Psalm 131
Lord, my heart is not haughty
Nor my eyes lofty.
Neither do I concern myself
with great matters
Nor with things too
profound for me

Surely I have calmed and
quieted my soul,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel, hope in the Lord
From this time forth and
forever.

Running Poetry

2007-03-05T17:47:00.000-08:00

when i kick the bucket
what color will the sky be?
will there be sunshine on
my coffin
will quiet eyes
issue silent tears
and will
shrouded faces line
the edges of my light green grave?

when you died
and went away
what did you leave behind?
and why did you go
before i knew how to release you
and why did you leave
before I could bid you farewell

and when you died
did you think
of me
Did my face appear
in your mind's eye
the same way

i often see you now?

Thicket fences

2007-01-28T05:36:00.000-08:00

I spy them in your eyes
although you never speak
the words outloud
i can tell

thicket fences to
shield you from
knowing looks
and prying eyes

from faith healers
and recondite shamans
who do not comprehend
with their righteous prescriptions
and ritual incantations.

thicket fences
quiet wanderer
when will you learn?
and when will you let the healing begin?

I spy it in your eyes
you're a tease
you're waiting for me
to start aren't you?

thicket fences
you hide behind
yeah,
i see you

thicket fences
where the healing begins.

trading political freedom for cultural freedom

2006-12-09T18:28:00.000-08:00

In my thesis, I wrote that Singaporean's are willing to trade political freedom for cultural freedom. I can see how that works now. I can see how the consumption of Movies, Books, TV series, fashion and the ease of travel overseas as an escape, make Singaporeans somewhat grudgingly accepting of the current political vise that the country is in.

I see it happening in my own life. I'm thinking that I would be willing to stay here, because of roots, not roots in the country and the national heritage, but in terms of relationships with friends and family. That is the familiar rhetoric of most people I know here, I find myself coming to the same conclusion. In addition to this also, the relative availability of avenues to make a living, presents another plus point - even if that involves hard hard work. Everything here is cut and dried, the familiar requires no unease or discomfort, except at a very subliminal level that people are too busy earning money to pay attention to.

I realise that more and more Singaporeans are turning towards Christianity, I suspect that for many, the Church offers easy comfort and justification for the disjucture that many Singaporeans find between their personal hopes and dreams and their present situation.

When considering my current position, I have thought long and hard about why I feel so bad about not working, in spite of the fact that I am investing my time in very worthwhile activities that nurture the soul and which encourage personal growth. I feel bad because I am not earning money. Period.

Now, let me rethink that rationale again. If a girl has been overworked and is physically, emotionally and mentally depleted, would I condemn her for not working? Would she be only considered valuable only when she's earning money? What's the value of a person?

Let me rethink in another vein. If I had absolutely no alternative except to earn money by being a cleaner i.e. killing people for a living, would I still do it? It would still pay for the mortgage, wouldn't it? We all have to make a living, put bread on the table etc. Yet, what's the value of a person?

'Singaporeans trade political freedom and social ownership for economic expediency and relatively unfettered cultural consumption, this equation makes for a stable and upwardly mobile society: strikingly apparent when one considers the number and make of cars on the roads of Singapore'

In terms of building a cohesive national identity however, this breaks down to a melee of disparate voices with no internal sense of cohesion. Singapore can never have a national identity as long as this trend continues. Looking at the passage of political leaders in Singapore since independence over 40 years ago. This trend will not soon change.

On a personal level, I'm still vacillating as to whether or not I should move to Bangkok next year. In many ways I think it will be a very good thing for me to spend time with my Dad there and just breathe in a different air. Yes, Bangkok traffic pollution aside, the social mileu there is vastly different and presents an innate attraction for me. The church that I attend there also is very different from the one here. It's alot more international, many people there work freelance or are english teachers or are NGO workers. The attitude and approach towards life is very different.

Perhaps the Chapter of 'Struggle with Singapore' is coming to an end for now. There might come another chapter somewhere in the future with Singapore mentioned somewhere... but for now, I'm dealing the last few cards in the deck, and Singapore isn't on the cards.

Flipping thru' old notes

2006-10-28T04:57:00.000-07:00

I was just flippin thru' some old notes I had written in my first year at NUS, it was simply ticklish!!! I felt so amused by some of the stuff I had written that I feel compelled to write it here.

Here's a short play that I had written and never completed...

A SHORT PLAY - by Deborah Lee (2002)

(This play consists mainly of LOTTA who attends university in the Numbskull Utopia of Singapore - or so she thinks... The act opens with her sitting in her literature class building another castle in the sky while the affable American lecturer tries to elicit some response from the sonmabulistic critters she has for classmates)

RB( Lecturer): ( Legs straddled across a chair and leaning forward intently) As I told you before, although I love to hear my own voice, I am infinitely more enamoured with yours... so speak up!!! What are your views on he text?

*deafening silence*

That was about 4 years ago. I never thought I would one day write this, but being in NUS has been a very good thing for me. I feel that it was a place that allowed me to grow and explore areas in my life that I had previously neglected. In addition to this, the academic material that I studied acquainted me on a more concrete level with the societal and political landscape of Singapore - something I might never have properly understood, perhaps, if I had continued studying abroad.

Why is this valuable? I believe that it is infinitely valuable because in order to move forward, one has to understand where ones comes from. Undeniably, I was born in Singapore: I grew up in the Singaporean mileau and on a very visceral, unconscious level am probably imbued with the Singaporean mindset and approach to living. It will bode me well to understand the full import and significance of my roots - which attending University in Singapore has done for me. As my mom likes to quote from Sun Tze who wrote 'The Art of War', 'know thy enemy, know thyself, in a thousand battles, a thousand victories'

Maaaa, thank yew! Summore Popiah phulleese!!! ;)

Stuck in Fancy Museums I didn't care for...

2006-10-07T10:37:00.000-07:00

What if you had to jump 250 feet from a cliff face into the sea? There was no other way down, you on the edge of a cliff, stuck in the middle of the sea, nobody with you, no phone, nothing. And you had to jump?

What would you feel as you jumped off the ledge? What would you feel? Would you be afraid? Have you loved? Have you seen many beautiful things? Would you be ready to go?

Would you be ready to go?

I want to live each day like it's the best day of my life, to write on my heart that everyday is the best day of my life.

I know the day will come when I live in a country with four seasons, I know that day will come eventually, when I am surrounded by people who really 'get it', I know that day will come eventually when all my dreams will be fulfilled, and I will have loved and lived and I will have three cats and maybe a dog and perhaps even a son and a husband.

I know that day will come, but until that day, live is unfolding now.. I'm sucking deep into the marrow of life. Living it. Feeling every modicum of it, savouring each feeling as it washes over me. Deep calls to deep and all the breakers and waves and oceans have come over me, coursed through me, and I cannot resist it anymore.

Life beckons. And I walk out from a fancy museum to join her at her side.

Harley

2006-10-03T02:39:00.000-07:00

I took up a freelance writing assignment with Think! Magazine recently. It was about Harley riders. I joined the Sierra Bravo Charlie/ Sunday Breakfast Club/Stupid Boys Club for a jaunt up to JB for Prata in the early morning. It was such fun! Sarge, who invited me to the ride, used his bigger bike with another seat at the back, it was super comfortable, the music was blasting, lots of rock and roll songs from the 60s and 70s...

It wasn't just the ride up and back that was fun, it was just talking to them. They're just a bunch of guys in their 40s or so that love having fun, not much different from the rest of us I'd say... apart from their expensive Harley bikes.

Love

2006-10-03T02:24:00.000-07:00

'I don't exist to like, but I do exist to love. Contrary to liking, love demands nothing in return' - Hugh Prather

Love is a very difficult thing. But I think I'm beginning to understand it alittle better these days.

Hope

2006-09-29T20:45:00.000-07:00

Today I work up, feeling really lame about being me and I was praying and then I heard God telling me, 'let me love you...'.

And again, I thought of my time at Hannover, Germany, with Micha, Fanny and their 9 month old baby Kajsa. It was such a special time for me: the love and tenderness that they had for each other and their child just did wonders for my heart.

Images of Micha bathing Kajsa, feeding her and just gently caring for her came to mind. I still remember how we wanted to go out for dinner... Micha and I left alittle later so that Kajsa could settle down and fall asleep, Satomi and Fanny left earlier so as to reserve the table for us at the restaurant.

When Kajsa had finally fallen asleep. Micha and I got on our bikes and cycled all the way to the restaurant, but not without taking along the baby phone (which would sound an alarm if Kajsa started crying badly) So we had a nice 12 minute cycle to the restaurant, which was so warm and inviting and dimly lit when we arrived... it was such a relief to be finally seated and to look at the menu and chose what to eat! 5 minutes into our anticipation of gastronomical pleasure, the baby phone starting buzzing. Micha got up and left almost immediately telling us not to order for him because he might have to stay with Kajsa the whole night.

Well, we ordered food for ourselves, keeping our fingers crossed about whether or not Micha would be able join us for dinner. And eventually he got back because Kajsa had managed to fall soundly asleep this time. She slept straight through our dinner and we had a lovely dinner of mushroom starters, german spatzle and delectable desserts. But all the time i was just so touched and amazed at his love for Kajsa. I don't know many Dad's that are that in touch with their babies, who'd be willing to put down everything they're doing at the drop of a hat for their child.

But I was just reminded that God, my heavenly father above loves me so deeply and so much more than how Micha could ever love Kajsa, or any other human parent their child. I was reminded too that that he will bring healing into my life, I just have to trust him and let him love me, the way a child lets her father love her.

A Purpose Driven Life

2006-09-26T11:50:00.000-07:00

I received the email below, from my Dad. My mom feels disappointed in me, I saw her reading a book today entitled ,'When your grown up kids disappoint you.' I guess she feels upset that I want to pursue music as a career.

These days I've been sleeping really late and thinking thru' alot of things that's been happening in my life. It seems like fear tends to govern so many of the decisions I make in life: fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of poverty, fear of loneliness, fear of joblessness, fear of not being 'actualized' in life...whatever that means. Fear of being stuck in a city I feel at odds with so much of the time, fear of being judged by other people, fear of speaking my mind, fear of putting my money where my mouth is because I'm afraid that I might not be able to deal with the consequences of my decisions.

I wish I could find the freedom from fear and live my life in a way that brings peace and hope to myself and to those around me. But I struggle as well with being true to myself - my innermost desires and passions... the one thing that I've wanted to accomplish for so long...

Fear of regrets. That's one thing... i fear, the fear of regrets. I'd hate to imagine myself somewhere down the line in the future, perhaps being a mother with two kids and settled in Singapore or in some other country always having that question in my mind, 'what if I had the guts and pursued music?'

I think I would rather have tried and failed, so then I would know, and there would not be all these unanswered questions in my mind.

Some people say, 'Life can only be understood backwards,' but I feel that life, is really, quite a mystery. I look at the events in my life that brought me here to where I am today and I'm still frankly, quite puzzled. My heart and my mind are in conflict all the time these days. There are a million and one things I want to do, pursue music, change the world, work for the poor in Africa, shoot my own video, visit more parts of Southeast Asia, be a freelance photographer and writer... but there are all these other thoughts that come in too, coz' of monetary concerns, i.e. why not be a banker? why not settle for job security? Why not just take the safer path and persue a pHd? why not.... etc etc etc....

What the head says and what the heart does are two completely different things.

The day I can get my heart to move in unison all the time with my mind, is the day i cease to be human.

The speaker at the Saturday Evening Service said, 'Don't listen to the pop psychology that tells you, "follow your heart"! Listen to the holy spirit, that still small voice inside of you.'

And so ... I listen now. ... and what do i find? A troubling, disturbing, uncomfortable, feeling that there is some unfinished business that I haven't attended to for ages; a little something that I've been putting off for too long:

Since I graduated from ACJC, I went on a missions trip to Korat, Thailand. There were about two months of preparation before I left for the the town, in which I was meant to stay for two months.

The missions preparation, I felt, was abit stifling, I simply did not enjoy the long hours and heavy schedule of seminars and workshops. Furthermore, I felt that I could not really relate to the people in the team on a deeper level than through Christian jargon and 'shared spiritual exchanges' for lack of a better words. Even then I did not feel like I was truly connecting.

However, when I finally got to Korat, Thailand, it was like, I was living in another dimension! I found the people there to be people I could genuinely connect with in spite of the fact that we spoke different languages. I found myself wanting to learn the language. I'd carry around a notebook and my oft repeated phrase then was, 'how do you say ( ) in Thai?' So, there I was in Thailand, really soaking up the atmosphere, dying to learn the language and adjusting to the new bed, the masses of mosquitoes and un-airconditioned rooms, and I was, apart from the sleepless nights I had due to the mozzies and unfamiliarity with the bed, having a ball.

That's when I got a call from my mother who was angry with me for going off on a missions trip - some of the companies that I had applied for a scholarship from had called me up for interviews and obviously she was pissed off because I was not in Singapore.

So, predictably, duty-bound by fear and financial responsiblities as I was, I ended up pulling out from the trip and going back for the interviews... in none of which I succeeded in cinching the coveted scholarship. I still remember my 3rd round, and final interview with the PSA, they looked me up and down and said, 'So, what do you want to do with your life?'

I replied, 'Honestly, I really have no idea'

Yeah, that should definitely go into the book for 'How botch your interview'

So, I ended up going to Cornell, learning Thai there, having my studies there abruptly terminated, being enrolled in Southeast Asian Studies in NUS, (coz' of my interest in the Thai language and culture), and doing something related to Thailand every break I have e.g. music missions with CCC, translating for Duang Prateep Foundation, working in jobs that require Thai speaking and reading skills, going for a youth expedition trip to Pattani in Southern Thailand, and visiting my Dad who for reasons entirely unrelated to my interest in Thailand, has moved to Bangkok to retire.

Yeah, I've done all that... I can read and speak Thai now... on my CV, it's right up there with all my education qualifications, under 'language skills.' I have proudly embelllished that section with a good paragraph of my Thai experience and expertise. I'm so proud of being fluent in the language.. but I've never gone back to Korat.

Not since 1999. And now there's an opportunity to go... and i'm not going because my coffers are empty?

Well, I could dip into my savings, but whatever happened to financial discipline and all those other aspirations I had to earn money and support myself without dipping into my savings which i'm carefully hoarding for future music pursuits?

I don't know. But this is the issue, among other thingamajits, that is keeping me up tonight. And so I write...

I received this from William Wee. I read it and found it to be very good so
I want to share it with you.
Love,
Pa
> THE GREATEST ADVICE - Rick Warren, the Purpose Driven Life
>
> Don't date because you are desperate.
> Don't marry because you are miserable.
> Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
> Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.
>
> Don't associate with people you can't trust.
> Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
> Don't dictate because you are smarter.
> Don't demand because you are stronger.
>
> Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough & know
> better.
> Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
> Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
> Don't stagnate!
>
> Don't regress.
> Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
> Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr. Right.
> Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr. Wrong because your
> biological clock is ticking.
>
> Learn a new skill.
> Find a new friend.
> Start a new career.
> Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid for
> some of life's more hasty decisions.
>
> To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
> To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
> To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
> Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.
>
> To make yourself happy, pursue your passions & be the best of what
> you can be.
> Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
> Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and
> dangerous liaisons.
> Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.
>
> Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your
> family.
> Be true to yourself.
> Don't commit when you are not ready.
> Don't keep others waiting needlessly.
>
> Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
> Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
> Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.
>
> Write poetry.
> Love Deeply.
> Walk barefoot.
> Dance with wild abandon.
> Cry at the movies.
>
> Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
> You light up your life.
> You drive yourself to your destination.
> No one completes you - except YOU.
>
> It isn't true that life does not get easier with age.
> It only gets more challenging.
> Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
> Pursue your passions.
>
> Live your dreams.
> Don't lose faith in God.
> Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!
>
> When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of
> your life that you'll never get back.
> Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give
> to someone is your time.
> Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love
> is T-I-M-E because the essence of love is not what we think or do or
> provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves .
>
>

Unhappy in Singapore

2006-09-22T11:54:00.000-07:00

Why am i unhappy here? Is it because I feel the air is alittle more tepid, alittle more recycled, alittle more suffocating? Why do i feel like i'm running thru' the same things time and again? Why do i feel the same anger, the same fears the same hostility?

Why do I feel so trapped?

Why do I feel so damn bloody trapped.

Maybe because of family, society, politics, mentalities and idealogies that are so hard to break.

Maybe because of the air, that is breathed in and recycled, again and again until there are no more fresh exchanges and nothing left to say.... except to ask 'how much' and to compare salaries and how to change baby nappies.

Why am i unhappy here? Perhaps it's because we live in a climate of fear? Perhaps because living in fear is not truly living?

Why do we toil and struggle and strive and pretend that we're all ok when really, we're not?

Whey do we try and suggest that things are ok when they're not?

Why do we take everything the newspapers, radio and television here tells us and accept it even though we know it's all scripted and planned? Why do we nod, and accept and go on to living our lives, earning our thousands, like mindless drones in a queen bee's nest?

When did we learn to stop feeling, caring, seeing, thinking, perceiving, trusting... when did we learn to switch off our hearts and keep on moving... when did we decide that we could stop living and merely exist?

Ode to the Creator of Music

2006-08-07T08:45:00.000-07:00

When I cannot write
perhaps I will pen
a thought that comes from you

When I cannot sing
perhaps I will make music
that blesses your name

When my heart is heavy
and tears won't fall
I lift my soul to you

When I am empty
and terribly alone
that's when I know you're near

When the music thuds
in my brain
and hits my heart like a train
When it has taken me away
and carried me home

I know i'll find you there

I cannot see blind

2006-07-24T03:02:00.000-07:00

I cannot see blind
when you insist
upon a metal phrase
that persists to
bite and never erase
the guilt of
memories that
will not desist

I cannot see blind
when you try
to hide behind the
lens of crime
and criminals
do not become less human
when you pocket
their freedom

I cannot see blind
until I let you go
until I speak so slow
until I feel the warmth
and glow

of a forgiving heart

Super Tired

2006-06-29T20:27:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt extremely extremely tired?

That's how i'm feeling now. Exhausted to the bone.

I think i may have been taking this music practise business to an extreme. Like i've been worrying about it more than I've been enjoying it.

That's the feedback i get from most people that i jam with, learn from or practise with. That i should not stress up about it, but enjoy it.

I read this wonderful little excerpt from from 'Follow Your Heart' yesterday, written by Andrew Matthews (which is an absolutely recommended read btw)

When I set out to be a portrait artist, I decided nothing would get in my way. My recipe was "paint ten hours a day, seven days a week - and if that doesn't work, paint all night". I painted some woeful picutures. Exhuasted and frustrated, it began to dawn on me that desperation doesn't work.

Life remains a struggle while you insist it's a struggle. There is such a thing as letting things unfold.

A young boy travelled across Japan to see a great martial artist. Given an audience with the Sensei, he said: "Master how long will it take me to become a great martial artist?"

The sensei replied 'Ten Years'

The young boy then said, 'Master, I am very keen. I will work day and night. Now how long will it take?"

And the Sensei said: "Twenty"

That's the paradox of life i guess. Persistence does pay off, eventually, ref. to the parable of the persistent widow in the bible, but when we're struggling over and worrying about something we want so badly every waking hour of our life, we take longer to get to our destinations, and in the meantime, we're not enjoying the process.

What guarantees are there that we'll still be alive tomorrow? I've heard it said so often that it's 'the journey is more important that the destination,' how often we fail to internalize it though.

I've got this poster stuck up in my room now, it's actually a picture of a girl at the top of a flight of stairs leading out of the woods into the light. Below the picture is a quote that really spoke to me.

'Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life, as by the obstacles which one has overcome while trying to succeed'

- Booker T. Washington

Perfect

2006-05-23T21:57:00.000-07:00

Perfect pose
strike a calm

in still repose
nothing doin

but i'm so anxious
so anxious
i want it so bad

so bad

never knew how much
i'd give for this
can't release my clutch
a deadlock

hoping for a world
i never knew
a mystery i could
never unveil

wanting something so bad
torn up inside
help me to let go

and my tales i'll unfold
to you

Walking after you

2006-05-23T21:49:00.000-07:00

Tonight Im tangled in my blanket of clouds
Dreaming aloud
Things just wont do without you, matter of fact
Im on your back, Im on your back, Im on your back

If you walk out on me, Im walking after you
If you walk out on me, Im walking after you

If youd accept surrender, Ill give up some more
Werent you adored
I cannot be without you, matter of fact
Im on your back, Im on your back, Im on your back

If you walk out on me, Im walking after you
If you walk out on me, Im walking after you

Another heart is cracked in two, Im on your back

I cannot be without you, matter of fact
Im on your back, Im on your back, Im on your back

If you walk out on me, Im walking after you
If you walk out on me, Im walking after you
If you walk out on me, Im walking after you

Another heart is cracked in two, Im on your back

-foo fighters

Hearts confused

keep pretending
that you're alright
keep on trying to
keep up an act
when all that's inside

tells you otherwise
tells you otherwise

keep on running
keep on showing
keep on striving
for that perfect peace
and act like nothing's amiss

when all that's inside

tells you otherwise
tells you otherwise

Running, chasing
after a mystery
running, hoping
misery on your heels
fear in your heart

Running, chasing
after a world
of sublimity
Running, chasing
after an unquenched hope

Come and run after me.

I gigged!

2006-05-20T10:41:00.000-07:00

One of my first few gigs and it was great fun. Played with Pat at the Arts house ... we did our fav. songs, like 'on & on' by the longpigs, 'Wish you were here' by Pink Floyd and 'Here comes the Sun' by the Beatles.. and we played 'Poetry and Rhyme,' one of my own songs. It actually turned out pretty well. =)

It's amazing how interconnected everyone in the scene is. Today i found out the guy that plays for Astreal and who runs Wallworks is actually my primary schoolmate. We caught up on all the 10 plus years since primary school. I was amazed that he remembered me all the way back from Nanyang days.

I'm planning to take a year out for music and do abit of translating/free-lance writing work on the side. Planning to move to Bangkok next year when the lease ends and stay with my Dad. I've always wanted to live in Thailand for an extended period. I think Bangkok is a really exciting city with loads to discover... and when I go there I'll be able to brush up on my Thai. Now all i got to do is figure out how to get a work permit.

It's amazing how life can be sometimes. I'm so glad i decided to stick around.

=) Thank kew God.

I bombed da paper

2006-04-26T20:53:00.000-07:00

Cripers... it's been a while since i did such a bad paper. (discounting french) The last paper i did today was a 200 MCQ paper on drugs and society, which had exceedingly detailed questions that a skiver like me who did not attend a single lecture of the course was hard pressed to answer. I did alot of guesswork today.

I hope i don't fail this paper coz' if i do.... i can't graduate!

chaow chee bye.

Staying young on the outside

2006-04-26T07:33:00.000-07:00

Today at a political forum, I met this lady who looks like she's in her early forties. She approached me to talk about a point i had raised. Deeper into the discussion with her, she revealed that she was going to be 60 years old next year. I could not believe it! She didn't look anything like it!

She shared with me that she doesn't take medication at all, even vitamin supplements. She eats well and exercises alot. This really underlines the importance of excercise and diet. I really believe that our future does not lie in medication, but in healthy living.

No more chocolate for me!!!

(well, maybe just a smidgeon... hee! )

Sufferin & Healin'

2006-04-25T22:18:00.000-07:00

I would talk of time
but that would be blind
to the way
wounds take to heal

I would talk of feelings
but would that be stealing
away from
the realities of pain?

I would talk of love
but could that ever be enough
for the chasm that can grow
between people so close?

I would talk of you
but would that be enough
to hit the spot on the heart?

I would hear news of you
giving me worries
i never thought i'd feel

I would pray for you
and that came the closest
to expressing my love for you

Almost graduated

2006-04-22T01:02:00.000-07:00

I'm almost graduated!!!! Today I took my last and final graded paper... there's just one more paper to go next week, which is pass fail... and then i'll be done done done!!!!!!

How surreal. How absolutely surreal.

Global Issues North Vs. South, Green Vs. Brown

2006-04-21T02:44:00.000-07:00

I'm a broken bee
a broken hope
a broken window
a broken cup
a broken wallet
a broken top
a broken heart
a broken soul
I live in a broken world.

luxury

2006-04-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

today
i have the luxury
of considering
all the times

i have made myself
a fool
for you

today
i have the luxury
of understanding
how little
i mean to you

today
i have the luxury
of seeing the truth plain enough
i'll call your bluff

today
i have the luxury
of knowing once and for all
the fullness of your flaws

today
i have the luxury
of waking up
in the cold light
of day

What's your life path number?

2006-04-08T21:40:00.000-07:00

I tried this out with the birthdates of several people close to me. It's damn accurate.

Your Life Path Number is 22

Your purpose in life is to use your power for good

Of all the life paths, yours has the most innate power.
Your power lies in your vision, and you must recruit others to help you in this vision.
You are able to be a great idealist, but you still have the practicality to get things done.

In love, you tend to be a big romantic - but you also tend to keep your distance.

You have a lot of potential, and it's sometimes hard to live up to.
Sometimes you just feel like slipping into obscurity and doing nothing.
You tend to be prone to dramatic emotions, until you step back and look at things honestly.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

Le Mouton

2006-04-06T22:05:00.000-07:00

Le mouton qui marche
Le mouton qu'on mange
Le mouton qui est delicieux
Le mouton qu'on appelle la chevre
Le mouton qui suit le berger
Le mouton qui est tres stupide
Le mouton que les loups aiment attaquer
Le mouton qui resemble a l'humain

-deborah

What kind of soul are you?

2006-04-03T06:52:00.000-07:00

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world
So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time
You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...
But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult

You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.
Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.
Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.
Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.

Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

What type of writer should you be?

2006-03-23T09:16:00.000-08:00

You Should Be A Poet

You craft words well, in creative and unexpected ways.
And you have a great talent for evoking beautiful imagery...
Or describing the most intense heartbreak ever.
You're already naturally a poet, even if you've never written a poem.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

Silent Hours

2006-03-22T22:37:00.000-08:00

In these silent hours
I sit and write

I delve into an existence
bigger than that of mine

the woes,
the trails and injustices
of a people, subject
to the insatiable desires of
mankind

faceless names,
mere words,
sketched scenarios
ink on paper
mere words,
which have the power to
change a person's life

Mere words

How much more
could mere words
guided by

love

transform

a person's life?

I would like to know.

hugging a lost shirt

2006-03-21T08:45:00.000-08:00

The lost shirt
the owner has left
is hugged
close to the chest
of the man who
once knew the man

all that remains
is a lost shirt
for him to cling
on to
reliving the memories
trying to capture
the essence of
the person he once knew

The lost shirt
so thin, so weightless
so insubstantial.
The lost shirt

so precious

because it's
all that he has,

all he has

ever had

The mist is clearing

2006-03-18T02:29:00.000-08:00

The mist is clearing
so why is my heart
so heavy
the mist is clearing
my eyes are opening
do i know anything
more now that all
that I've always felt
has been articulated
into facts that stare
at me in the face
low and gloaming

What can i do
what can i do?

Run away from a state
that will never change
quiet, be still
scamper on,
in the wheel they
make for you

make as if to protest
but idly watch
as another innocent they molest

as more and more
lies
are generated each day
in black and white
will we ever
wake up
or will we continue
pretending

that there is change?
nothing's changing
nothing will change
the air is stifling
but lay quiet
oh so quiet

there's only one gang
in town now
and the
gang bang
will reduce any man

to a pauper,liar,pariah...
for at least now,
we've got food, shelter, money
we've got safety
we've got all we ever need

safe in
our prison cells

we've got all we ever want

"No Surprises"

A heart that's full up like a landfill
A job that slowly kills you
Bruises that won't heal

You look so tired and unhappy
Bring down the government
They don't, they don't speak for us
I'll take a quiet life
A handshake of carbon monoxide

No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
Silent, silent

This is my final fit, my final bellyache with

No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises please

Such a pretty house, such a pretty garden

No alarms and no surprises (let me out of here)
No alarms and no surprises (let me out of here)
No alarms and no surprises please (let me out of here)

So many have gone

2006-03-02T01:47:00.000-08:00

So many have come and gone
how many more times
will i hear about
and see the people
that pass through
my life

disappear, depart, leave...

how many more times
will i see the passing
of another soul
from this earth
into eternity?

How many more times
can my heart take
the brokeness
that comes when
you give your heart to someone
and have them taken from you
How many more tears
can i shed
for a lonely heart
and why do i cry so much?

So many have gone
i cannot think
now, because

i just cannot think of

the ones closest
to me...
being taken away from me

being taken away

So many have gone
and everytime
i see another one go

I think of you.

From you to me

2006-02-22T10:53:00.000-08:00

We all keep secrets
not big ones
just little things that we keep to ourselves
not one person knows these things, except yourself

little things that you don't think about
but you know in your heart
little things that you recognize
that you never feel the impulse to share with
anyone

Until you meet someone who cares enough to know
and then it just comes out on the spot

I've got a little secret

(which i cannot speak of)

Nobody knows what that means... to me.

it's a little secret.

And, We all keep secrets...

We all keep secrets
until the day

our hearts meet with

the person who cares enough

to want to know and then,
The secrets will cease to be...

but until then.

We all keep secrets.

Bring me back post

2006-02-19T02:13:00.000-08:00

Bring me back post..
keep me here
where i cannot stay
where i can only go

Bring me back
I want to know
I want to fold
back again
I want to know

I want to feel
the thoughts i once
thought i did know
I want to go

Bring me back post
Bring me back post
post rock
post house
post you
post you and me

Bring me back post
post rock
post house
post you
post you and me

post you and me.

What is love?

2006-02-17T11:03:00.000-08:00

What is love?
Let me count the ways in which I have loved...

I have given without counting the cost
I have loved with abandonment
I have forgiven deep hurts
I have learnt to trust better
I have learnt to be more open; to be less guarded; and to give other people a chance
I have come to see that the best gifts are those that are given freely
I have come to see that you cannot define or set parameters for the ways that people love
Each person loves differently. flawed tho' it maybe. It is still love
and when we can recognize that
we can learn to embrace life.
We can learn to truly love and live.

Let me count the ways in which I have been loved...

I have been created by a God who loves me regardless;
who gives me unconditional love
who does not care for the accolades, the acheivements
the successes in my life,
instead, he cares for the well-being of my soul.
The obedience and trust that he seeks from me.
Yet in spite of all this, he trusted me with a powerful powerful
thing called, 'FREE WILL'

yes indeed. He took the risk to give me free will
the God who died for me on the cross.
That is love.

Let me count the ways I have been loved again.. by those I hold dear to me on
planet earth

I have been forgiven
I have been accepted for who I am
I have been helped and received in my times of need
I have been sought out by people who saw beauty in me
I have been treasured by friends and family who
have had faith in me, who could see the good in me,
even when I could not see it in myself

I have been embraced
I have been held in my weakest moments
My hand has been held by people dear to me

I have been trusted
I have been confided in
I have been able to confide in many people who truly cared.
I have been guided
I have been led
I have been trusted
I have experienced love that tried
it's best to meet me in my deepest need.
I have been chastised by a love that demands
my spiritual growth.
Even though it was hard.

I have been loved.

And I have loved.

If I should go today to meet my maker.

I would have no regrets.

Because love has always guided me.

And will always be there with me...

even beyond the grave.

Flying, falling...

2006-01-29T07:30:00.000-08:00

I'm flying falling
wonderin' if you even think of me
I'm free falling
wonderin' if you ever feel for me
I'm free falling
down into
nothingness

numb my heart
change my feelings
lock my heart away
somewhere safe, somewhere safe
fall away, fall away
so we can be
nothing more

than just

a pale vision

of yesterday's dreamers

Il est temps que je m'explique

2006-01-27T07:33:00.000-08:00

It is time for me to explain myself

I hate the beach
I hate the shifting sands
in which my ankles get into a panic
I hate the shoulders -
sunburnt to the second degree
I hate the rusted vans
of ice-cream sellers
I hate the faded covers
of summer magazines
I hate the third hour after midday
when it might just as well be five
It is, still, the sea that
displeases me the least
but to reach it
It is necessary to cross the beach

- My translation of 'Il est temps que je m'explique' by Pierre Douvres (below)

Je hais la plage
Je hais le sable incertain
ou la cheville s'affole
Je hais les omoplates
des brûlés du deuxième degré
Je hais la camionnette rouillée
du marchand de glaces
Je hais la couverture délavée
des magzines de l'été
Je hais trois heures de l'après-midi
quand il pourrait tout aussi bien en être cinq
C'est encore la mer qui me déplairait le moins
mais pour l'atteindre
il faut traverser la plage

Grow Old With Me

2006-01-25T23:41:00.000-08:00

friend.
face me
now
look into my eyes

I care for you
can't you tell

i'm longing for the words to say
a chance to express
my feelings for you

but I can't

grow old with me
not before the time
that was meant
for

us to be

Grow old with
me
Grow old with
me
Grow old with

me

What's life without friends?

2006-01-24T08:40:00.000-08:00

HELL

Let Love Grow

2006-01-17T06:27:00.000-08:00

A while back I told someone that I liked him. Very much. He replied that he liked me too. But that he was comfortable with the relationship we had. He asked me what I wanted to see in the relationship and I said the first thing that came into my mind, 'I hope to see love grow'. I asked him then, what he'd like to see and he told me that he wanted to see me happy.

Recently, I've been going through alot. Moving out, financial disputes with my mother... on top of this I've been grappling with my emotions for this person. What does he want really? What does he mean when he says he wants to see me happy? And what do i mean when I say 'i hope to see love grow?'

It's hard, when you really like someone and you don't know where to go from there. You don't really know where to put your feelings or what to do about your emotional attachment to that person.

Today, I found this song! it's called 'Let Love Grow' How apt. It's a pretty open-ended song I think. But the words, 'Love is decision and sacrifice and without them love cannot go on' struck me the most. That's when I checked out the title of the song and found out that the title was 'Let Love Grow'

Decision and Sacrifice. That's a really interesting concept. Love is often associated with feelings and emotions. But in fact, Love is more than just that. It's a conscious effort involving decision and sacrifice.

I wonder now how often have i applied that with the people in my life? Especially with my family? That's something that will take some time to sort out.

For now. I will let the flowers grow.

Lyrics to 'Let Love Grow' by Paul Colman Trio

You know that you're such a lonely child
Did you ever let me know?
You say our love was an oversight
And now that you're gone you can grow

And there you go

Love is emotion and wanderlust
And feelings too deep for a song
But love is decision and sacrifice
And without them love can't go on

But there you go
There you go

Bring back the flowers of spring in this heart
Heal up the wounds that have torn us apart
Fall like the rain in the midst of a drought
And wherever you go
Let love grow

Time to pick up these pieces and start again
And draw a new map of the world
The regeneration of all of creation
Begins with a soul that will turn

So here I go
Here we go

Aloha!

2006-01-16T09:30:00.000-08:00

It was Praptee's birthday today. Antish and Jenn bought pizza and Phillip, their friend who helped us to fix the internet joined in the celebration. We took lots of photos; One of the four pizza's from California 2 for 1 doubled up as her Birthday cake.

After dinner, I played a couple of songs... 'Come here' by Kath Bloom, at Praptee's request. It's her favorite song ever, from the soundtrack of Before Sunset. I also played 'More than words' very rustily, at Jenn's request. keke.

Later on we went to the 'Wine Connection' at Mohammed Sultan. It was so fun. One of the waiters looked really familiar and i realized i met him at the Stasis gig. He was one of the 'extra' rah rah boys at 'The Pinholes' gig. It was pretty cool. He gave me alot of leads into the local music scene. Very useful for my thesis i think. Well, that is, as soon as I come up with a thesis statement.

We also met this Irish chap. When Praptee was working there, he dropped by regularly, on his own, always ordering a bottle of wine for himself and a cheese plate. We were heading off after our bottle of white wine and he said hi to Praptee, I told him that it was her Birthday and he invited us to join him for a chat.

It was pretty interesting. The more you talk to people from all over the world, the more you realize how much you have in common. He's into Placebo and good gigs. Ok, admittedly I'm not into Placebo, yet, although I attended their gig at Zouk years back. But still...

Later on, Praps and I went for a walk along Clarke Quay. They've completely 'plasticized' the place. The whole place is covered with some mutation of a giant umbrella and all the eateries have been transformed into, as Praps says, 'lifeboats'. It sucks. Whatever vestiges of character the place once had is now completely gone. The place is a fucking franchise.

Anyways, we walked right to the end of Clarke Quay, where the bungee jump is. Next, we sat ourselves down by the side of the river and lay down.

'Why is it that in Singapore you can't see the stars?' Praps asks me.

'Coz' in Singapore the lights are too bright, even at night, it's unnaturally bright - all the buildings are lighted up; that's why you don't see the stars' I tell her in my half-drunken state.

I doze off for a while. And upon waking I say, 'hey praps, wanna head back? It's getting late...'

We head back... walking slowly, leisurely... and I take a slow drive back to the Gold Coast. It has been a beautiful night out. We have lived. Today.

Moving

2006-01-12T01:59:00.000-08:00

I'm moving
home
moving on

waving goodbye
to pieces
and shards of memories that
have gone skewed along the way

I'm moving
on
I'm moving
onwards, upwards, forwards

I'm moving in closer
to the prize
to which you call me to

I'm moving in closer
to the love you
long to lavish on me

I'm moving in closer
to knowing you lord

closer to you

Color Therapy

2006-01-06T20:38:00.000-08:00

Brown
You're brown, a credible, stable color that's reminiscent of fine wood, rich leather, and wistful melancholy. Most likely, you're a logical, practical person ruled more by your head than your heart. With your inquisitive mind and insatiable curiosity, you're probably a great problem solver. And you always gather all of the facts before coming to a timely, informed decision. Easily intrigued, you're constantly finding new ways to challenge your mind, whether it's by reading the newspaper, playing a trivia game, or composing a piece of music. Brown is an impartial, neutral color, which means you tend to see the difference between fact and opinion easily and are open to many points of view. Trustworthy and steady, you really are a brown at heart.

Which color are you?

http://web.tickle.com/invite?test=1108&type=t

always right

2006-01-04T09:32:00.000-08:00

you're always right
if you give up the fight
you're always wrong
if you sing your own song

you know where you're going
when you fit with the masses
you know what you're doing
when you act like all the other asses

if you choose to be free
would you dare to embrace it
if you choose to be happy
would you not want to face it

would you run away from the secrets
of your calling
would you taste the bitter pill
to keep from falling

into the the pit of emotional dependence
and of helpless infatuation
the hope of love that is always one step away?
would you dare to scale the heights
if you never knew for sure

what you'd see at the top?

always right. don't take the risk
of not taking the risk

is it really worth it?

Almost there

2005-12-29T07:45:00.000-08:00

You know the feeling. You're almost there, but not quite. Things are almost perfect, but you're waiting for the shoe to drop. The cup is half full. But also half empty.

Life's good.

But the sad part is that the people who should matter most to you do not constitute any part of this joy or happiness. In fact, they're the ones that give you the most grief. And you realize, you don't want them to be a part of your life anymore because it just hurts too much. It's a crumbling aching feeling that you can do nothing about. It's a fucked up, bitter feeling... like a rancid, septic welt that cannot heal, no matter what you do.

In the bible it says that there's a time for love and a time to hate. A time to embrace and a time to refrain. Forgiveness will come when the time for it comes, but for now, I think the first person i need to forgive, is really, just myself. A good friend told me this, that before you can forgive others, you need to be able to forgive yourself. I need space and time to understand what it means to truly forgive myself and to let go of the past. I need time and space to get away from all that's hurting me - the people that make me feel bad. I need to forgive myself for being human.

I'm moving out soon - looking forward to a fresh beginning and further growth spiritually, emotionally and mentally.

I'm almost there. I'll get there soon. I know.

river

2005-12-13T10:06:00.000-08:00

surf and foam
this is a journey i'll walk alone
the pleasure
is yours to take
and mine to give
what words can i use
to break my silent fall

my silent fall
into you
into you
into you

make me bold
so i can know
and let you hold
the person that cries out
inside

to be loved
to be held
to be known
to be understood
to be touched
to be caressed

to know and be known
by you alone

free me before i go

2005-11-30T08:41:00.000-08:00

if you knew
how easily my heart could give
if you knew
how quickly my thoughts can change
if you knew
how much i long to tell you

this

i'm not yours to keep
my heart is an ocean
and i'm longing for

again

the words to say
to you
to tell you
the one thing that I find it hard to say

The one thing that burdens me today
free me
or i will never be free
Love me
and let me go
but please know

You are in my heart always.

MAARRRRG!!

2005-11-27T00:41:00.000-08:00

I hate exams. Me jus wanna chill and poke around.

wo shi shui?

2005-11-25T03:40:00.000-08:00

wo shi shui?
wo shi shui?
wo wei shen me
bu neng jiang hua yui hao
wo shi shui
wo shi shui?
wo na li ke yi suan shi
hua ren ne?
wo shi shui?
wo shi shui?
nar yi ke yan yu pei wo hao?
ying yu
hai shi
hua yu
tai kou yu
hai shi
fa gou yu
wo shi shui?
wo da di shi shui?

My Heart Will Trust

2005-11-18T19:13:00.000-08:00

Even when the tides
are against me
when the winds
buffet against the sails of my soul
and I am left
breathless
cold,
huddled in damp sweat

glistening in the chill, alone
in the choppy sea

When you tell me
to walk
I will
When you tell me
to stop
I will
When you tell me nothing
Lord
I will wait on you

When the distant stars have faded
When the world is in it's final
throes
When the heavens are agape and
trembling
When all that travels the earth
is lurid dustballs
and roaches that scuttle to and fro

When all I have ever known and come to love
has come and gone to pass
When faces and places
are distant memories
When the earth is
a cold, dead place
Lord.

My soul will find its rest in you.

Touche

2005-11-18T11:37:00.000-08:00

Make me a Frenchman
or a dreamboat from Spain
Youthful advances shalt not
be restrained
When I sit alone and
Think for a while
thoughts dissapate
where questions used to prowl
Make me a gentleman
or a rake from
the States
I have no need of Charm
to beguile
When my thoughts are
with you, when my words
are few,
When all that
enters sits on the sill
longing for the
day that I can
meet with you.

Cult Classic?

2005-11-15T09:06:00.000-08:00

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few.
But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky.

Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

A Beautiful Irony

2005-11-14T23:47:00.000-08:00

Met up with my classmates for lunch today. I-jean, Alvin and Auds were there. Auds was teasing Alvin over alledgedly having a new gf. But he was being secretive and evasive about it. We lunched for about an hour or so... for a significant part of it, Audrey was quarrelling with her boyfriend over the phone and trying to get him to book tickets for tomorrow's opening of Harry Potter... he was not cooperating so she ended up saying ,'eh, don't be a fucker lah you' ... apparently according to her, 'fucker' is a term of endearment between them. She was complaining about how her bf. is like a tape-recorder ... i'm thinking to myself, they sound like an old married couple who can't stand each other!!!! And they're not even married yet.

Anyways, I guess people all have very different ideas about relationships. My relationship with Alvin wasn't the most harmonious and loving relationship either...

As we parted ways, Alvin went to the bus-stop with me to wait for the feeder bus. He's still as rude as ever and i ended up whacking him with my book. But at the bus-stop I said, 'So? Do you have a new Girlfriend?' he hedged for awhile, and then replied cheekily, 'i have alot of girlfriends'

Then, I say, 'Oh c'mon, you can tell me'

Then he says, 'Yeah, I got a new girlfriend'

'What's her name?

Alvin looks embarrassed.

'is it the girl I saw you with that time in Holland V?'

'No that was my colleague'

'So what's her name?'

'You know her ....'

'Hui Hui?'

'Yeah...'

'I knew it! Even when we were goin out I knew it!!!'(triumphantly)

(Hui Hui was his coursemate in University. She used to hang out with his gang in Uni. When i was going out with Alvin, she was the only girl I'd ever get unreasonably jealous and insecure about. It was just a gut feeling I couldn't explain, but I felt she and Alvin were much better suited than I was with him ... =) And I guess I was right!)

The rest of our dialogue follows, for a couple more seconds before my bus arrives.

'No...Lah, last time never'

'Oh.. no, I knew that you weren't goin to act on it ... but I knew you guys were suited la...... '

'Last time it would never have happpened la.. coz' she wasn't a christian wat'

'Oh, she's christian now?'

'Yes, of course, definitely'

'Cool! So are you happy then?'

'Yah'

'That's cool, I'm glad for you'

And my bus comes... and I board the bus, beep my card, turn around to wave at Alvin, who's still smiling his big smile back at me- the big smile that he would flash me whenever I'd turn around from my table to look at him when were were classmates in Junior College. When he was still 'Alvin Airhead' to me and I was still 'Dee- BRa' to him....

It's such a beautiful irony, to know that I was right all along about him and Hui Hui... I'm glad for him... yet, there's another part of me that feels sad and tender. It's a final goodbye to any illusions about a youthful romance that I had once cherished. It's a bittersweet feelin.

But I'm glad. Coz' I know that they are so much happier together than Alvin and I ever were or ever could be.

And as for me... oh well.... perhaps one day i'll find my prince. If not, i'll keep a cat.

=)

Life is always throwing curveballs at us. But... mercy! for for beautiful ironies like these!

Thank God.

Malay Lesson

2005-11-13T06:24:00.000-08:00

I had the benefit of malay language tips from a friend today.

Ah Macham - Hi, How are you?

Pergi Mana? - Where you going?

Buat apa? - Do what?

Minum apa? - Drink what?

apa kau jakap? - What are you talking about?

penat sey - Tired la

ngan tuk sey - sleep la

We were shopping around in Cold Storage today. And guess what, we saw racist tea. Yeah.. truly, =) guess what the brand was?

'Ahmad Tea'

I told him i would buy it for him this Christmas.

keke. =)

Life gets more interesting everyday. I feel like flying over to Seattle to visit my brother. I just can't take it anymore. Just want to be there.

Quiet Heart

2005-11-12T09:48:00.000-08:00

Shatter-post
fall agape
strip in naked
fall upon me
spirit

I know nothing
assume much
beg for all
hope for nothing

just fall into me and
grant me a quiet heart

I pray

grant me a quiet heart

Quiz

2005-11-11T21:52:00.000-08:00

I've done similar quizzes to this before. This one I found on Vincent's site is surprising accurate/illuminating ... at least for this stage of my life i'm going thru'. Try it

http://quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Get to know yourself better
Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.
How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You like privacy very much because you enjoy spending time with your own thoughts. You like to disappear when you cannot find solutions to your own problems, but you would feel better if you learned to share your thoughts with a person you trust.

feel

2005-11-11T21:22:00.000-08:00

i want to feel again
i want to touch again
i want to know again
what it feels like to be loved

i want to feel again
i want to come alive again
i want to know again
what it feels like to truly hurt

i want to love again
i want to be honest again
i want to trust again
And enter into the heart of God

If Time were a seedless lament

2005-11-05T20:37:00.000-08:00

If time was a seedless lament
And you were a friend -
If I could put my heart into your hands
And know that you’d be gentle with it

What would we be?

If love were a weed
That grew by an abandoned, dusty road
Unacknowledged, un-witnessed
Unseen...

Where would our love grow?

If hope were a reason for knowing

Would you tell me the secrets of your heart?
Would you let me in and let the angst depart?

Trust is broken, breached, whipped and hurt.
Love is touched, held under jury
Winged eternal, subject to
The hail and fury
Of flawed creatures – you and me

If love was a story
What would yours be?

You make me laugh Tofu!

2005-11-02T06:36:00.000-08:00

You make me laugh
so much, so hard, so specially...

in the way that only you can

I read your letter today

and I laughed. More than I've laughed this entire day

If I could pack you in a bag and carry you everywhere

I go.

I'd pack you tofu.

A box of tofu laughs.

I still miss you

2005-11-01T08:36:00.000-08:00

What words are there left to say
when thoughts that filter into my mind
are memories
words you said to me
memories of you

the you that remains
in me.
After your passing

This grief is rebirthing in me
something
I never knew I had in me

The you that remains
in me.

Not angry anymore

2005-10-30T20:52:00.000-08:00

Not angry anymore
but more like in a conundrum
how do i get out of this mess i created???

pooks.

Proof Reading

2005-10-28T06:35:00.000-07:00

I'm proof reading
my words
the script that i wrote

Does my character ring true
to the person that I play?

I'm proof reading
my thoughts
my honest; spontaneous thoughts

Do my words ring true
to the feelings I portray

I'm proof reading
my heart
my honest, random heart
and asking myself

If there's a part of it that's gotten dark

I'm proof reading
the script
that i wrote for myself

And i realize that
it was written for someone else

On Love

2005-10-15T20:59:00.000-07:00

Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razer
that leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winterfar beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose

'The Rose' - Bette Midler

I heard this song being sung by a girl at a cafe. I love the lyrics - just speaks to me so much.

In Panama City Beach, I once saw an old couple just walking hand in hand along the shore in the light of the setting sun.

A British friend i met in UBC told me that her parents are still madly in love with each other even after all these years and that they take 'dirty holidays' together.

I love how the relationship between Anne and Gilbert develops in 'Anne of Green Gables.' It took a while for them to fall in love. Especialy on Anne's side. =) Gilbert had always fancied her even when they were kids in school, although he really pissed her off when he called her 'carrot tops'; he tried to make it up by giving her a sugarheart that said 'you're sweet' which Anne proceeded to crush soundly underfoot upon receiving it. But one day he saved her when she was stuck on a sinking raft floating down the river - that was the start of their friendship - which eventually blossomed into love.

At the risk of sounding like a cheeseball, is there such a thing as 'a true love'? I'd like to believe so.

Yes i do. There's no fixed time frame to meet the right person. I think we should take our time. And have lots of fun in the meantime!

Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose

I wait for spring. and the sun's soft rays to awaken me.

the past

2005-10-14T05:30:00.000-07:00

I went running today. And took another route, other the the usual canal, Ghimo, Commonwealth and Clementi rd route. I ran up Buona Vista... on the way back home down holland road. I was passing Coronation Rd West.
I just had to run down that road.

As i did, something broke within me.

So much attachment to that place! So much meaning is embued within those streets. in the neighborhood i grew up in.

I walked back to Jalan Ampang. My whole body was heaving with sobs. The past was indelibly gone. Yet it lingers on in my mind - in me. I walked past 33 Jalan Ampang. I glanced at it and cried. And cried and cried.. and walked on. just kept on walking down the hill... turned left down lim Tai see and was going to the playground or back to Sunset way.

My home.

so familiar - so far, so near, lost ...

I was overcome by my emotions. And had to stop for a while by the green railing along Lim Tai See. A voice told me, "Deb, you need to go back. Go back and have a good look at 33 Jalan Ampang. Deb, the past is no more - it's gone. And you need to let go of it in order to move on. You need to let go of it all... to live in the now. To live in the present."

I went back. just stood there for a good 10 minutes, and cried my heart out. I've been dreaming of home for the longest time now... in my dreams, i'm sitting at the table in 33 Jalan Ampang with my brother and my family... the sunlight lights up the room.

Now 33 Jalan Ampang is a 3 story edifice - very LA looking... complete with a louvered rooftop and a basement for 3 or 4 cars. As i stood there looking, another car drove in and an American man came out with someone else. I couldn't see clearly... he same something, it was quite indistinct, but i caught the words, 'it's like you're living in 3 realities at once'. How true.

I remember when I was 9, when i had just got back from school and was still in my Nanyang uniform, the doorbell rang. I went out and was greeted by a middle-aged caucasian couple. They introduced themselves and said that they were the previous owners of this place. They asked if my parents were home, but no one except me was in, so they just took a picture of me behind the gate, (with my permission), thanked me and then left.

A couple of weeks later, we received a letter from the couple, who introduced themselves to us and who also enclosed that picture of me behind the gate and other older photos of 33 Jalan Ampang and the neighborhood before we moved in. In those photos, there was no housing opposite of 33 Jalan Ampang, just empty grassland. My mother was abit shocked that they had taken the photo of me, she felt that it was quite dangerous that I let them take the photo of me. Haha.

Anyways, that just reminded me of myself. OF the 9 year old Nanyang girl. Of the adult me now that came back, needed to come back to revisit the house. I thought to myself, 'well, now, who am i?'

I am the girl that walked up this hill almost everyday as a child,
I am the girl that likes the color green,
I am the girl that had her first boyfriend at 16,
I'm the girl that's crying now, revisiting this old place in her heart.

Most of the memories associated with Jalan Ampang are penciled with grief and angst and a general sense of loss and abandonment. But it's still meaningful to me. It is precious - somehow ...still.

Nostalgia is said to be a grammer lesson where you find the past perfect and the present tense.

The past for me was far from perfect.

I say that nostalgia is a longing for a place where we can belong. A place that no one can ever find on earth. It's a longing for Home.

Loneliness

2005-10-07T08:19:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling lonely

it's a loneliness that won't go away
even when I'm with a friend

it's a loneliness

that can only be assuaged

when I lose myself in books,
music
dreaming
thoughts...

it's a loneliness that comes and goes
the tides.. of caring and not caring. Is there anything more constant?

It's a loneliness that has found it's way into my heart
and is here to stay

it's a loneliness that makes me want to
write
and think

and then write somemore.

Do you know that feeling?

I want to fall in love.

But I can't

Slap

2005-10-04T05:27:00.000-07:00

Slap a face
slap my face
slap my thigh
slap your thigh

in laughter

slap me
make me wake up
make me wake up

Am I dreaming
am i Dreaming
AM I DREAMING????????

I reaching out for something more
searching for something deeper
hoping for something more

What is this?
Where are you?
How can I find you?

Slap me so I wake up

Wake up

and find you next to me.

Something about Melayu

2005-09-27T09:02:00.000-07:00

Today I watched 'Something about Melayu' with Angie, Tham, Clem, and Jimmy. It was really good. They covered so many issues about being malay in Singapore. There were a great number of scenes that just killed me with the funniness! Like the Malay Taxi driver, the subconsciously gay malay guy. I can't describe it, i wouldn't do justice to it.

The delivery was amazing. There was this scene where the Mother was talking about her frustrations with her daughther and her useless drunk of a husband, and there was so much emotion, i mean, real emotion, in her voice. I didn't have to look at her, I could just listen.. it was like really listening to someone sharing her troubles with me: for awhile, the stage disappeared and I was right there with the angst-ridden and tired mother, listening to her pour out her heart.

I really wish i understood malay, then i would get the jokes and other parts of the play so much better.

This is probably the best play i've seen in ages...so far there's been nothing quite as genuine, honest, bitingly funny and as refreshing as this play. I guess coz' the actors were working with what they knew, rather than re-enacting some play written by some big-name angmoh playwright from somewhere like America or the UK.

I liked the penultimate line in the play, it went something like, 'you thought this play would be about malays, but actually, it's about Man, who just happens to be Malay.'

So true.

Goodbyes are never easy

2005-09-26T09:03:00.000-07:00

When you go
don't you know
a piece of my heart goes with you

When you say goodbye
don't you know
my mouth says 'see ya'
but my heart says.. 'please, don't go'

When you turn around
and wave before walking away
I know that
someone special is leaving me.

I'll see you soon,
in less than 8 years
I hope! =)

Brother

2005-09-17T10:32:00.000-07:00

Did you know I care for you?
Did you know that it makes me sad to hear you're sad?

Today your heart is bleeding
Today your head is aching
with painful thoughts of what could have been
what is, and what it should be
what is lacking.

But tomorrow
you'll feel better
just let this moment pass

Life will get better soon
Trust me
Just let it ride
I know how you feel

I know how you think that it's never going to get

any better

But it will

Coz' i'm here today.

And i know it's so.

Birthday schtick

2005-09-15T10:14:00.000-07:00

Your Birthdate: November 11

Your birth on the 11th day of the month makes you something of a dreamer and an idealist.
You work well with people because you know how to use persuasion rather than force.
There is a strong spiritual side to your nature, and you may have intuitive qualities inherent in your make up, too.

You are very aware and sensitive, though often temperamental.
Although you have a good mind and you are very analytical, you may not be comfortable in the business world.
You are definitely creative and this influence tends to make you more of a dreamer than a doer.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

morning

2005-09-14T19:51:00.000-07:00

i'm easing into the morning
the birds are chirping
i'm eating my papaya
and dreaming of popiah

did i tell you i love mornings?
when the sunlight streams into our rooms
and the temperature isn't too hot?

If an entire day had to consist of
just a couple of hours
I'd choose mornings

with the beautiful sunshine
that guides my heart

in these blessed hours.

Dinner

2005-09-02T03:02:00.000-07:00

I had dinner with Dad today. He told me that when I move out, my mom will call me alot. And i flippantly said, 'I'll change my number', half-meaning it almost. And he said, 'Don't be like that lah, be good to mom even when you've moved out'

And then he went on to say... 'another thing, don't blame mom for the divorce, i'm also to blame. When I was younger and married mom, I didn't know how to treat her to make her feel secure. If i had the wisdom that I have now, I still would have married mom, and the marriage would have worked. She's a fine woman, and I enjoyed the time i spent with her.'

'A fine woman'

Tell me what a fine woman is
Is she someone who supplicates
pleases, bends?

Is she someone who would cleave to
a man?
Is she someone who blends, chops, stews, purees?
Like the kitchen-aid helpers
they used to sell on commercial TV?

What is a fine woman?
is she someone refined?
who does not say 'FUCK IT!!!!' even when she's in despair
and ready to pull out her hair?

What is acceptable?
For her to work, and clean and bear little
cookie-cutter images of herself and the man?

What is a fine woman?
Is she like wine? Does she grow more beautiful and full-bodied
with the passage of time
or does she turn sour and old and ready to be thrown out
with the trash?

I just want to be me
Can't you see
It's all a masquerade

I just want to be who
i am.
Not a girlfriend,
not a wife,
not a mother...

not a citizen,
not a student,
not a teacher,
not a christian,

I just want to be me.

Not a fine woman.

Escape

2005-08-28T03:54:00.000-07:00

This song has been running thru' my head and been on repeat for two days.. and counting!!!!!! I love Pina Coladas!!!

Escape (The Pina Colada Song)

(Rupert Holmes)

I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long.
Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song.
So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed.
And in the personals column, there was this letter I read:

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me, and escape."

I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean.
But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine.
So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad.
And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half-bad.

"Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape.
At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape."

So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place.
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face.
It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you."
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew"..

"That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."

Searching

2005-08-27T20:05:00.000-07:00

She wakes in the shadows of a setting sun
alone again
Her thoughts drift of
to happenings
10 years earlier

Why does it seem like a dream
why does it seem like everything is a haze these days?

No matter,
where's that bit of hash
she'd taken from George the day before?

'I've got to do the laundry'
she thinks to herself
as she stumbles among the pile of broadshorts covered with sand
and dried up surf

searching for the light and paper and grass
that will
put her back

to where she wants to be.

Pain

2005-08-24T06:14:00.000-07:00

Why do i feel this constant pain in my heart?
When will it ever go away?
Why do i wish to see you?
Should i wake the dead? Is it profane?
When will i ever know?

Why does your passing remind me of childhood
My lost and cherished years
an eternal space that is lost to me
forever it seems

and where can i find the answers?
When my heart feels so numb and heavy?
What desire is there in me?
I've lost my first love

Why is there this pain in my heart
When will it ever go away?

not guilty

2005-08-21T19:15:00.000-07:00

I plead not guilty
to every single thing you
accuse me of

So sue me!
I will not be affected
by your condemnations

What's true
What's not
What's right
what's wrong

I've got a friend
and he loves another man.
Is there a problem with that?

I love him too
And I cannot say any longer

What's wrong or what's right
coz' I know the heart wants to
find an answer
and the answer is
sometimes just the warmth
of another body at night.

I shall not want

2005-08-19T19:49:00.000-07:00

I shall not want
when you lead me
down that quiet narrow road

I shall not want
when I see your face
and know you're here beside me

I shall not want
when i feel the peace
that so readily eludes me

I shall not want
when I'm left wanting
not for anything else
but more of you.

On friendship - Kahlil Gibran

2005-08-15T19:09:00.000-07:00

Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.

When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Reading the above really speaks to me. Especially these lines, 'And let your best be for your friend.If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.', and 'And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.' and 'And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.'
It's truly the little things man...like polka dots and things associated with them... haha... these past few weeks i've been meeting up with old friends. And i realize... friends are so darn important! It's been a real comfort and joy to be with them even in the midst of loss. My friends have been with me through both grief and joy... and that's an amazing feeling. it changes me.

Uncle Keeyong's Wake

2005-07-30T07:34:00.000-07:00

DO NOT STAND AT MY GRAVE AND WEEP

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!

Mary Frye (1932)

Uncle Keeyong had asked that this poem should be read at his wake. I see him in my mind's eye along with all the images that this poem invokes... and I will remember him the next time I catch a glimpse of beauty.

I still can't help but cry alittle. If only for the fact that I will never see him in person again. However, I feel really comforted that he's with God now - words can never explain how much the reassurance and confirmation I got tonight at the wake(that he is safe with Jesus) has done for me. I feel that even in Uncle K's death, I've been brought closer to the love of God.

Today, during his wake, so many people shared about his generousity, his humour, his love for poetry and words, his idealism, his deliberately unruly mannerisms that were intended to, and did, shock many people.

Above all, what we remember about him is his love for people. He loved us and many other people from all different walks of life very well... as his good friend Kim Joo put it, 'How many of you have your hawkers come to visit you in the hospital?'

Looking at his life makes me want to cherish the people I love better - makes me want to be more generous with my money, makes me want to be friends with all kinds of different people, makes me want to read and spend more time in quiet meditation
... makes me want to be more real.

As the Pastor at tonight's wake who shared with me the verse from Matthew 7:21-23 says, 'it's the action (that counts).'

Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'

Thank you God for answering my prayers for Uncle K.

My first Earthquake ever

2005-07-23T05:37:00.000-07:00

I was lying in Satomi's room today, reading Ernest Hemingway's 'across the river and into the trees' when I felt these really strong vibrations coming from the ceiling above. At first I thought the neighbors upstairs were doing some serious jumping around/having really intense skipping sessions... then the shaking came from below as well... for a good 10 seconds the shaking continued and then i realized that it was an earthquake!

Apparently, Japan has about 1000 earthquakes a year.. some of them too small to be discerned. Today's earthquake was 5.2 on the richter scale. The train system has stopped due to the earthquake and Satomi's brother is stuck on the Westside of Tokyo.

Satomi told me that if the earthquake was about 6 or 7 on the richter scale, there would be Tsunamis and all the buildings in the area would be destroyed by the waves or the earthquake - Shiba is next to the ocean.

Anyway, Satomi told me all this on our walk to the beach today, an hour or two after the earthquake. It's a good thing we decided to stay at home and rest today, otherwise we would still be stuck in tokyo at 10pm.

The beach was really lovely. The sky seemed alot bigger than any other sky I've seen in a long time. We walked right out on the pier.. it was about 700 metres out into the sea... on the right hand side the sun illuminated the sky and the sea and the water was calm... birds flew close to the water surface. Immediately on the right hand side of the pier, the water was dark and choppy while the sky was cloudy and overcast. It was such a contrast... almost as if we were in two different places at the same time with the pier acting as a boundary between the two places with such disparate scenarios.

The weather was really cool and there was a bracing breeze. I felt really happy and relaxed and found myself wishing that I lived somewhere more quiet and peaceful, like Shiba. As we walked back along the pier and saw some old men bringing in their nets and their catch for the day, I felt really lucky. I felt lucky to be able to stay with Satomi and catch a real glimpse of Japanese life in her family and in the neighborhood in which she lives.

Harajuku and Enoki mushrooms wrapped in Bacon

2005-07-21T04:43:00.000-07:00

Finally visited the famed Harajuku today.. and I can see why people make such a big fuss of it. Really big, fancy brand name boutiques next to bohemian cafes and indepedent kitsch fashion stores... there's alot of scope for imagination here and lots or opportunity for the creative juices to flow.
I took a picture of a single house along a strip of clothes stores. It just seemed so unique and incongruous among all the funky, jazzed up clothes stores around the area. Satomi and I headed to a sidewalk cafe later on and had the most scumptious cakes and watched the fashionable crowds pass us by.

By the time we had our fill of flipping through Vogue and Elle in the cafe and watching the world go by... it was already 5pm and we began to walk back to the train station to take the JR train back to Kemigawa Hama. It takes about an hour to get back from Tokyo.

Satomi's mom made the most yummy dinner tonight. She made Enoki mushrooms wrapped in Bacon, I had these in a Japanese Yakitori Bar in NYC and was raving about them to Satomi, so she suggested them when her mom asked her what she should cook for dinner. They were absolutely delectable; Satomi's mom also made these Gyoza with Shiso leaf inside and ... I'm quite certain I have never enjoyed any Gyozas better than those I had tonight.

So... as you can see, I'm getting very well fed here in Japan. But I'm not going to put on weight... coz' I went running today... haha... i explored around the area and I think japanese people have really learnt how to make the best of limited space. The phrase that would sum up how they have done this is ... 'small is beautiful'. From small plates, saucers and cups, to box like cars and Tiny gardens with beautifully manicured trees and compact but aesthetically pleasing homes.. Japan really does epitomize that phrase : 'small is beautiful' in more ways than one.

In Japan and pissed off about nasty neighbors in SG

2005-07-19T22:43:00.000-07:00

I'm now using the computer in Sophia University or Jiu Tchi Dai Gaku, as they call it. It's been great staying with Satomi in Shiba. I love her room.. it's really quiet where she stays and I've been able to get more sleep and get over the jet-lag and sleepless nights that have been plauging me since NYC.

I went to Shibuya today and to be honest, i don't really like it. Too crowded and commercialized for my liking. But I guess that's Tokyo for you. I like the area around here better, it seems more laid back and much less crowded.

I'm feeling quite pissed off - I just got this email from my mom that my neighbors complained that our family had been a source of noise pollution for a long time eversince we moved in. What bullshit! Our next door neighbors have been a nasty source of air pollution since even before we moved in... they keep on burning their incense papers and stinking up all the other apartments in the vicinity. It's against HDB rulings to do that and they continually do it, regardless of the fact that the smoke permeates into other peoples houses and stinks up the place.

Ok, so granted, I played the guitar at 6am one morning... but so what.. .it's not like I do that all the time. In fact, I almost never do it! To be honest, I really dislike my neighbors. Makes my blood boil just to think of how mean and inconsiderate they have been in regards to their burning of incense papers and how intolerant they are over alittle bit of morning noise.

Also, I don't get why the HDB hasn't taken more serious measures against them because I have complained several times but it doesn't seem like anything is being done to ensure that they stop burning incense paper along the corridor. Seems like there's some kind of double standard going on here.

Grrr...

Last few days in NYC

2005-07-12T07:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Mich, Natascha and I went to watch 'Me, you and everyone we know.' It was a great movie with some really enduring parts. I liked the soundtrack better though. The movie was at West 4th Station, next to Greenwich village.
There was a basketball tournament going on in the courts opposite the theatre and as Natascha and I arrived early we stood on the outside and watched. It was great fun...all of the people on the team were black and really tall, save for this one white boy that was a good half head shorter than most of the people on the team.
Anyway, it was the grey against the black team and the grey team won by a score of 108 to 105. Both teams were really good, but the grey team kept getting these free throws for some reason. I reckon that's how they won.
I noticed that all of them were sponsored by Nike - I read in 'No Logo' that that's how Nike promotes it's image of 'cool', going to the streets, the common people and identifying what moves them and then leaving their imprint (the sponsored outfits) on them.
After the movie, we went for a drink at a cafe further down the road. It's called Cafe Reggio. Really cute little cafe with an old proprietor who is quite a character. There were a bunch of old men outside the cafe (and one 30'40ish black man sitting with them) One of the middle-aged men was playing his guitar... he did alot of cool numbers like, 'With a little help from my friends'
and other Beatles hits. I asked him if he could play any Paul Simon songs and he obliged by playing 'Me and Julio' and 'Mrs Robinson'. It was pretty cool, we were all singing along.
Natascha kept on egging me on to play and she told them that I could play and sing, so they started pressuring me to play too. And I obliged them.
I did the usual, like 'High and dry', 'Big Yellow Taxi' and 'I don't know how to love him' - the old man who played the guitar was like a walking dictionary of lyrics, he knew the lyrics to all the songs he played and all the songs I played to a fault, except 'High and dry' - the black man knew the lyrics to the chorus of 'High and dry' though.
Anyway, before we left, the old man played 'Sound of Silence' as a finale and goodbye. It was beautiful.
I'll miss New York.

Jersey

2005-07-10T20:51:00.000-07:00

Just got back to NYC from New Jersey. Spent a day there with Michelle and her family. It was quite good. Being there and seeing her with her family just kinda reminded me of being in Vancouver and hanging out with my relatives there. It's such a F-A-M-I-L-Y feeling... and it's actually really nice.

Her brother Marvin, is a real sweetie too.. And her boyfriend, Paul... super nice. Actually picked me up from NYC and drove me all the way there. Too good.

Today

2005-07-08T05:53:00.000-07:00

Dear God,
help me to walk in your way
help me to dream your dreams
and listen to you

If you whisper words of wisdom in my inner ear
will I listen Lord?
Help me to

Years go by
And I've been looking for someone who understands

My old friend.
You and I... we've known each other for so long...

It's time for you and I to get reaqquainted.
Father, take me on this journey.

I want to know you again

Crushin'

2005-07-07T07:17:00.000-07:00

I'm crushin' on ya'
did you know
I'm crushin' on ya but you're crushin on him
I don't mind so much
hangin out with ya
is enough fer me

I'm crushin on ya
how silly is that
I'm crushin on ya'
don't tell me not to do that

I'm crushin on ya
maybe coz' we sleep together
but never make love?

I'm crushin on ya
and i'm lovin you.

East Village

2005-07-05T06:33:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm staying at Gono's.. in East Village. It was his first day of work today and he looked really smart in his shirt and tie and suitcase. Hahah.... had a fleeting impression of what it could possibly feel like to be married and see one's husband going to work in the morning while you're still half-asleep in bed.

Anyways, the apartment felt pretty empty after he left and then I found myself thinking, 'hmm...i definitely want to work and not be a Tai tai' Yesterday night Gono and I had a very interesting discussion on Investment firms, Enron and outsourcing. The financial world really seems like a separate universe. It's all so intangible, like just numbers and knowledge and connections and politics, but yet it has so much repercussions and influence on people all over the world. Pretty mind boggling.

Finally going to meet up with Natascha today. Yesterday I was supposed to catch the 4th of July fireworks with her and her friends but she was so late in calling me I gave up waiting and went out with Kelvin Neu and his friends instead. It was lovely. THe fireworks! There were smiley faces and falling stardust. Fireworks bring back so many good memories. .. like the time I was in UK with Rach and joining in the festivities for the Queens Birthday, or the time in Phuket I caught New Years with almost stranger, mostly friend Khit then, also the time in Vancouver when me, Leonard, Heiks, Ian and some others were setting off fireworks on our own! And also on my 24th B-day when Leonard called and asked me to look out of the window- fireworks! I'm going to write a song titled just that.

dreams and lost luggages

2005-06-28T21:21:00.000-07:00

I'm in Boston now. Today has been an eventful day. I finally got to catch a possible path towards fufilling my dream of writing music and being able to master the guitar and drums.

Esther and I went to visit the Berklee School of music today. I checked the requirements for entry: two years of formal instruction in music and some basic theory knowledge. Apparently the two years in formal instruction can be substituted by self-learning as long as you get a recommendation from someone like, your music teacher, your band member, or maybe even your recording company.

Berklee seems like an awesome place to study at. The cool part is that it was founded in the 40s by a Jazz Musician so alot of the fundamental theory they teach is jazz-based. It's the only school in the world that offers contemporary music on the scale that they do. You can play hand percussion, the electric guitar etc. and still get a degree in Music production, Songwriting, Composing, Music theraphy, Music Business.

I know I sound like a running ad for the school, but, man... I'm really thinking of trying out for this maybe a year or so after I graduate. It will be doing yet another undergraduate degree, another four years and a huge sum of money but since i never got to finish with Cornell (and get a proper abroad education, so to speak) why not do this? why not persue my dream?

well, I guess there's still some time to figure it out. I've got another year more till I FINALLY graduate.

For now... it's just the holiday in NYC and Japan... and learning how to manage without my luggage which got lost in transportation.