Almost there

You know the feeling. You're almost there, but not quite. Things are almost perfect, but you're waiting for the shoe to drop. The cup is half full. But also half empty.

Life's good.

But the sad part is that the people who should matter most to you do not constitute any part of this joy or happiness. In fact, they're the ones that give you the most grief. And you realize, you don't want them to be a part of your life anymore because it just hurts too much. It's a crumbling aching feeling that you can do nothing about. It's a fucked up, bitter feeling... like a rancid, septic welt that cannot heal, no matter what you do.

In the bible it says that there's a time for love and a time to hate. A time to embrace and a time to refrain. Forgiveness will come when the time for it comes, but for now, I think the first person i need to forgive, is really, just myself. A good friend told me this, that before you can forgive others, you need to be able to forgive yourself. I need space and time to understand what it means to truly forgive myself and to let go of the past. I need time and space to get away from all that's hurting me - the people that make me feel bad. I need to forgive myself for being human.

I'm moving out soon - looking forward to a fresh beginning and further growth spiritually, emotionally and mentally.

I'm almost there. I'll get there soon. I know.

river

surf and foam
this is a journey i'll walk alone
the pleasure
is yours to take
and mine to give
what words can i use
to break my silent fall

my silent fall
into you
into you
into you

make me bold
so i can know
and let you hold
the person that cries out
inside

to be loved
to be held
to be known
to be understood
to be touched
to be caressed

to know and be known
by you alone

free me before i go

if you knew
how easily my heart could give
if you knew
how quickly my thoughts can change
if you knew
how much i long to tell you

this

i'm not yours to keep
my heart is an ocean
and i'm longing for

again

the words to say
to you
to tell you
the one thing that I find it hard to say

The one thing that burdens me today
free me
or i will never be free
Love me
and let me go
but please know

You are in my heart always.

MAARRRRG!!

I hate exams. Me jus wanna chill and poke around.

wo shi shui?

wo shi shui?
wo shi shui?
wo wei shen me
bu neng jiang hua yui hao
wo shi shui
wo shi shui?
wo na li ke yi suan shi
hua ren ne?
wo shi shui?
wo shi shui?
nar yi ke yan yu pei wo hao?
ying yu
hai shi
hua yu
tai kou yu
hai shi
fa gou yu
wo shi shui?
wo da di shi shui?

My Heart Will Trust

Even when the tides
are against me
when the winds
buffet against the sails of my soul
and I am left
breathless
cold,
huddled in damp sweat

glistening in the chill, alone
in the choppy sea

When you tell me
to walk
I will
When you tell me
to stop
I will
When you tell me nothing
Lord
I will wait on you

When the distant stars have faded
When the world is in it's final
throes
When the heavens are agape and
trembling
When all that travels the earth
is lurid dustballs
and roaches that scuttle to and fro

When all I have ever known and come to love
has come and gone to pass
When faces and places
are distant memories
When the earth is
a cold, dead place
Lord.

My soul will find its rest in you.

Touche

Make me a Frenchman
or a dreamboat from Spain
Youthful advances shalt not
be restrained
When I sit alone and
Think for a while
thoughts dissapate
where questions used to prowl
Make me a gentleman
or a rake from
the States
I have no need of Charm
to beguile
When my thoughts are
with you, when my words
are few,
When all that
enters sits on the sill
longing for the
day that I can
meet with you.

Cult Classic?

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few. But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky. Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

A Beautiful Irony

Met up with my classmates for lunch today. I-jean, Alvin and Auds were there. Auds was teasing Alvin over alledgedly having a new gf. But he was being secretive and evasive about it. We lunched for about an hour or so... for a significant part of it, Audrey was quarrelling with her boyfriend over the phone and trying to get him to book tickets for tomorrow's opening of Harry Potter... he was not cooperating so she ended up saying ,'eh, don't be a fucker lah you' ... apparently according to her, 'fucker' is a term of endearment between them. She was complaining about how her bf. is like a tape-recorder ... i'm thinking to myself, they sound like an old married couple who can't stand each other!!!! And they're not even married yet.

Anyways, I guess people all have very different ideas about relationships. My relationship with Alvin wasn't the most harmonious and loving relationship either...

As we parted ways, Alvin went to the bus-stop with me to wait for the feeder bus. He's still as rude as ever and i ended up whacking him with my book. But at the bus-stop I said, 'So? Do you have a new Girlfriend?' he hedged for awhile, and then replied cheekily, 'i have alot of girlfriends'

Then, I say, 'Oh c'mon, you can tell me'

Then he says, 'Yeah, I got a new girlfriend'

'What's her name?

Alvin looks embarrassed.

'is it the girl I saw you with that time in Holland V?'

'No that was my colleague'

'So what's her name?'

'You know her ....'

'Hui Hui?'

'Yeah...'

'I knew it! Even when we were goin out I knew it!!!'(triumphantly)

(Hui Hui was his coursemate in University. She used to hang out with his gang in Uni. When i was going out with Alvin, she was the only girl I'd ever get unreasonably jealous and insecure about. It was just a gut feeling I couldn't explain, but I felt she and Alvin were much better suited than I was with him ... =) And I guess I was right!)

The rest of our dialogue follows, for a couple more seconds before my bus arrives.

'No...Lah, last time never'

'Oh.. no, I knew that you weren't goin to act on it ... but I knew you guys were suited la...... '

'Last time it would never have happpened la.. coz' she wasn't a christian wat'

'Oh, she's christian now?'

'Yes, of course, definitely'

'Cool! So are you happy then?'

'Yah'

'That's cool, I'm glad for you'

And my bus comes... and I board the bus, beep my card, turn around to wave at Alvin, who's still smiling his big smile back at me- the big smile that he would flash me whenever I'd turn around from my table to look at him when were were classmates in Junior College. When he was still 'Alvin Airhead' to me and I was still 'Dee- BRa' to him....

It's such a beautiful irony, to know that I was right all along about him and Hui Hui... I'm glad for him... yet, there's another part of me that feels sad and tender. It's a final goodbye to any illusions about a youthful romance that I had once cherished. It's a bittersweet feelin.

But I'm glad. Coz' I know that they are so much happier together than Alvin and I ever were or ever could be.

And as for me... oh well.... perhaps one day i'll find my prince. If not, i'll keep a cat.

=)

Life is always throwing curveballs at us. But... mercy! for for beautiful ironies like these!

Thank God.

Malay Lesson

I had the benefit of malay language tips from a friend today.

Ah Macham - Hi, How are you?

Pergi Mana? - Where you going?

Buat apa? - Do what?

Minum apa? - Drink what?

apa kau jakap? - What are you talking about?

penat sey - Tired la

ngan tuk sey - sleep la

We were shopping around in Cold Storage today. And guess what, we saw racist tea. Yeah.. truly, =) guess what the brand was?

'Ahmad Tea'

I told him i would buy it for him this Christmas.

keke. =)

Life gets more interesting everyday. I feel like flying over to Seattle to visit my brother. I just can't take it anymore. Just want to be there.

Quiet Heart

Shatter-post
fall agape
strip in naked
fall upon me
spirit

I know nothing
assume much
beg for all
hope for nothing

just fall into me and
grant me a quiet heart

I pray

grant me a quiet heart

Quiz

I've done similar quizzes to this before. This one I found on Vincent's site is surprising accurate/illuminating ... at least for this stage of my life i'm going thru'. Try it

http://quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx


Get to know yourself better
Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.
How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You like privacy very much because you enjoy spending time with your own thoughts. You like to disappear when you cannot find solutions to your own problems, but you would feel better if you learned to share your thoughts with a person you trust.

feel

i want to feel again
i want to touch again
i want to know again
what it feels like to be loved

i want to feel again
i want to come alive again
i want to know again
what it feels like to truly hurt

i want to love again
i want to be honest again
i want to trust again
And enter into the heart of God

If Time were a seedless lament

If time was a seedless lament
And you were a friend -
If I could put my heart into your hands
And know that you’d be gentle with it

What would we be?

If love were a weed
That grew by an abandoned, dusty road
Unacknowledged, un-witnessed
Unseen...

Where would our love grow?

If hope were a reason for knowing

Would you tell me the secrets of your heart?
Would you let me in and let the angst depart?

Trust is broken, breached, whipped and hurt.
Love is touched, held under jury
Winged eternal, subject to
The hail and fury
Of flawed creatures – you and me

If love was a story
What would yours be?

You make me laugh Tofu!

You make me laugh
so much, so hard, so specially...

in the way that only you can

I read your letter today

and I laughed. More than I've laughed this entire day

If I could pack you in a bag and carry you everywhere

I go.

I'd pack you tofu.

A box of tofu laughs.

I still miss you

What words are there left to say
when thoughts that filter into my mind
are memories
words you said to me
memories of you

the you that remains
in me.
After your passing

This grief is rebirthing in me
something
I never knew I had in me

The you that remains
in me.

Not angry anymore

Not angry anymore
but more like in a conundrum
how do i get out of this mess i created???

pooks.

Proof Reading

I'm proof reading
my words
the script that i wrote

Does my character ring true
to the person that I play?

I'm proof reading
my thoughts
my honest; spontaneous thoughts

Do my words ring true
to the feelings I portray

I'm proof reading
my heart
my honest, random heart
and asking myself

If there's a part of it that's gotten dark

I'm proof reading
the script
that i wrote for myself

And i realize that
it was written for someone else

On Love

Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razer
that leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winterfar beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose


'The Rose' - Bette Midler


I heard this song being sung by a girl at a cafe. I love the lyrics - just speaks to me so much.

In Panama City Beach, I once saw an old couple just walking hand in hand along the shore in the light of the setting sun.

A British friend i met in UBC told me that her parents are still madly in love with each other even after all these years and that they take 'dirty holidays' together.

I love how the relationship between Anne and Gilbert develops in 'Anne of Green Gables.' It took a while for them to fall in love. Especialy on Anne's side. =) Gilbert had always fancied her even when they were kids in school, although he really pissed her off when he called her 'carrot tops'; he tried to make it up by giving her a sugarheart that said 'you're sweet' which Anne proceeded to crush soundly underfoot upon receiving it. But one day he saved her when she was stuck on a sinking raft floating down the river - that was the start of their friendship - which eventually blossomed into love.

At the risk of sounding like a cheeseball, is there such a thing as 'a true love'? I'd like to believe so.

Yes i do. There's no fixed time frame to meet the right person. I think we should take our time. And have lots of fun in the meantime!


Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose


I wait for spring. and the sun's soft rays to awaken me.

the past

I went running today. And took another route, other the the usual canal, Ghimo, Commonwealth and Clementi rd route. I ran up Buona Vista... on the way back home down holland road. I was passing Coronation Rd West.
I just had to run down that road.

As i did, something broke within me.

So much attachment to that place! So much meaning is embued within those streets. in the neighborhood i grew up in.

I walked back to Jalan Ampang. My whole body was heaving with sobs. The past was indelibly gone. Yet it lingers on in my mind - in me. I walked past 33 Jalan Ampang. I glanced at it and cried. And cried and cried.. and walked on. just kept on walking down the hill... turned left down lim Tai see and was going to the playground or back to Sunset way.

My home.

so familiar - so far, so near, lost ...

I was overcome by my emotions. And had to stop for a while by the green railing along Lim Tai See. A voice told me, "Deb, you need to go back. Go back and have a good look at 33 Jalan Ampang. Deb, the past is no more - it's gone. And you need to let go of it in order to move on. You need to let go of it all... to live in the now. To live in the present."

I went back. just stood there for a good 10 minutes, and cried my heart out. I've been dreaming of home for the longest time now... in my dreams, i'm sitting at the table in 33 Jalan Ampang with my brother and my family... the sunlight lights up the room.

Now 33 Jalan Ampang is a 3 story edifice - very LA looking... complete with a louvered rooftop and a basement for 3 or 4 cars. As i stood there looking, another car drove in and an American man came out with someone else. I couldn't see clearly... he same something, it was quite indistinct, but i caught the words, 'it's like you're living in 3 realities at once'. How true.

I remember when I was 9, when i had just got back from school and was still in my Nanyang uniform, the doorbell rang. I went out and was greeted by a middle-aged caucasian couple. They introduced themselves and said that they were the previous owners of this place. They asked if my parents were home, but no one except me was in, so they just took a picture of me behind the gate, (with my permission), thanked me and then left.

A couple of weeks later, we received a letter from the couple, who introduced themselves to us and who also enclosed that picture of me behind the gate and other older photos of 33 Jalan Ampang and the neighborhood before we moved in. In those photos, there was no housing opposite of 33 Jalan Ampang, just empty grassland. My mother was abit shocked that they had taken the photo of me, she felt that it was quite dangerous that I let them take the photo of me. Haha.

Anyways, that just reminded me of myself. OF the 9 year old Nanyang girl. Of the adult me now that came back, needed to come back to revisit the house. I thought to myself, 'well, now, who am i?'

I am the girl that walked up this hill almost everyday as a child,
I am the girl that likes the color green,
I am the girl that had her first boyfriend at 16,
I'm the girl that's crying now, revisiting this old place in her heart.

Most of the memories associated with Jalan Ampang are penciled with grief and angst and a general sense of loss and abandonment. But it's still meaningful to me. It is precious - somehow ...still.

Nostalgia is said to be a grammer lesson where you find the past perfect and the present tense.

The past for me was far from perfect.

I say that nostalgia is a longing for a place where we can belong. A place that no one can ever find on earth. It's a longing for Home.