Flying, falling...

I'm flying falling
wonderin' if you even think of me
I'm free falling
wonderin' if you ever feel for me
I'm free falling
down into
nothingness


numb my heart
change my feelings
lock my heart away
somewhere safe, somewhere safe
fall away, fall away
so we can be
nothing more

than just

a pale vision

of yesterday's dreamers

Il est temps que je m'explique

It is time for me to explain myself

I hate the beach
I hate the shifting sands
in which my ankles get into a panic
I hate the shoulders -
sunburnt to the second degree
I hate the rusted vans
of ice-cream sellers
I hate the faded covers
of summer magazines
I hate the third hour after midday
when it might just as well be five
It is, still, the sea that
displeases me the least
but to reach it
It is necessary to cross the beach

- My translation of 'Il est temps que je m'explique' by Pierre Douvres (below)

Je hais la plage
Je hais le sable incertain
ou la cheville s'affole
Je hais les omoplates
des brûlés du deuxième degré
Je hais la camionnette rouillée
du marchand de glaces
Je hais la couverture délavée
des magzines de l'été
Je hais trois heures de l'après-midi
quand il pourrait tout aussi bien en être cinq
C'est encore la mer qui me déplairait le moins
mais pour l'atteindre
il faut traverser la plage

Grow Old With Me

friend.
face me
now
look into my eyes

I care for you
can't you tell

i'm longing for the words to say
a chance to express
my feelings for you

but I can't

grow old with me
not before the time
that was meant
for

us to be

Grow old with
me
Grow old with
me
Grow old with


me

What's life without friends?

HELL

Let Love Grow

A while back I told someone that I liked him. Very much. He replied that he liked me too. But that he was comfortable with the relationship we had. He asked me what I wanted to see in the relationship and I said the first thing that came into my mind, 'I hope to see love grow'. I asked him then, what he'd like to see and he told me that he wanted to see me happy.

Recently, I've been going through alot. Moving out, financial disputes with my mother... on top of this I've been grappling with my emotions for this person. What does he want really? What does he mean when he says he wants to see me happy? And what do i mean when I say 'i hope to see love grow?'

It's hard, when you really like someone and you don't know where to go from there. You don't really know where to put your feelings or what to do about your emotional attachment to that person.

Today, I found this song! it's called 'Let Love Grow' How apt. It's a pretty open-ended song I think. But the words, 'Love is decision and sacrifice and without them love cannot go on' struck me the most. That's when I checked out the title of the song and found out that the title was 'Let Love Grow'

Decision and Sacrifice. That's a really interesting concept. Love is often associated with feelings and emotions. But in fact, Love is more than just that. It's a conscious effort involving decision and sacrifice.

I wonder now how often have i applied that with the people in my life? Especially with my family? That's something that will take some time to sort out.

For now. I will let the flowers grow.

Lyrics to 'Let Love Grow' by Paul Colman Trio

You know that you're such a lonely child
Did you ever let me know?
You say our love was an oversight
And now that you're gone you can grow

And there you go

Love is emotion and wanderlust
And feelings too deep for a song
But love is decision and sacrifice
And without them love can't go on

But there you go
There you go

Bring back the flowers of spring in this heart
Heal up the wounds that have torn us apart
Fall like the rain in the midst of a drought
And wherever you go
Let love grow

Time to pick up these pieces and start again
And draw a new map of the world
The regeneration of all of creation
Begins with a soul that will turn

So here I go
Here we go

Aloha!

It was Praptee's birthday today. Antish and Jenn bought pizza and Phillip, their friend who helped us to fix the internet joined in the celebration. We took lots of photos; One of the four pizza's from California 2 for 1 doubled up as her Birthday cake.

After dinner, I played a couple of songs... 'Come here' by Kath Bloom, at Praptee's request. It's her favorite song ever, from the soundtrack of Before Sunset. I also played 'More than words' very rustily, at Jenn's request. keke.

Later on we went to the 'Wine Connection' at Mohammed Sultan. It was so fun. One of the waiters looked really familiar and i realized i met him at the Stasis gig. He was one of the 'extra' rah rah boys at 'The Pinholes' gig. It was pretty cool. He gave me alot of leads into the local music scene. Very useful for my thesis i think. Well, that is, as soon as I come up with a thesis statement.

We also met this Irish chap. When Praptee was working there, he dropped by regularly, on his own, always ordering a bottle of wine for himself and a cheese plate. We were heading off after our bottle of white wine and he said hi to Praptee, I told him that it was her Birthday and he invited us to join him for a chat.

It was pretty interesting. The more you talk to people from all over the world, the more you realize how much you have in common. He's into Placebo and good gigs. Ok, admittedly I'm not into Placebo, yet, although I attended their gig at Zouk years back. But still...

Later on, Praps and I went for a walk along Clarke Quay. They've completely 'plasticized' the place. The whole place is covered with some mutation of a giant umbrella and all the eateries have been transformed into, as Praps says, 'lifeboats'. It sucks. Whatever vestiges of character the place once had is now completely gone. The place is a fucking franchise.

Anyways, we walked right to the end of Clarke Quay, where the bungee jump is. Next, we sat ourselves down by the side of the river and lay down.

'Why is it that in Singapore you can't see the stars?' Praps asks me.

'Coz' in Singapore the lights are too bright, even at night, it's unnaturally bright - all the buildings are lighted up; that's why you don't see the stars' I tell her in my half-drunken state.

I doze off for a while. And upon waking I say, 'hey praps, wanna head back? It's getting late...'

We head back... walking slowly, leisurely... and I take a slow drive back to the Gold Coast. It has been a beautiful night out. We have lived. Today.

Moving

I'm moving
home
moving on

waving goodbye
to pieces
and shards of memories that
have gone skewed along the way

I'm moving
on
I'm moving
onwards, upwards, forwards

I'm moving in closer
to the prize
to which you call me to

I'm moving in closer
to the love you
long to lavish on me

I'm moving in closer
to knowing you lord

closer to you

Color Therapy

Brown
You're brown, a credible, stable color that's reminiscent of fine wood, rich leather, and wistful melancholy. Most likely, you're a logical, practical person ruled more by your head than your heart. With your inquisitive mind and insatiable curiosity, you're probably a great problem solver. And you always gather all of the facts before coming to a timely, informed decision. Easily intrigued, you're constantly finding new ways to challenge your mind, whether it's by reading the newspaper, playing a trivia game, or composing a piece of music. Brown is an impartial, neutral color, which means you tend to see the difference between fact and opinion easily and are open to many points of view. Trustworthy and steady, you really are a brown at heart.


Which color are you?

http://web.tickle.com/invite?test=1108&type=t

always right

you're always right
if you give up the fight
you're always wrong
if you sing your own song

you know where you're going
when you fit with the masses
you know what you're doing
when you act like all the other asses

if you choose to be free
would you dare to embrace it
if you choose to be happy
would you not want to face it

would you run away from the secrets
of your calling
would you taste the bitter pill
to keep from falling

into the the pit of emotional dependence
and of helpless infatuation
the hope of love that is always one step away?
would you dare to scale the heights
if you never knew for sure

what you'd see at the top?

always right. don't take the risk
of not taking the risk

is it really worth it?

Almost there

You know the feeling. You're almost there, but not quite. Things are almost perfect, but you're waiting for the shoe to drop. The cup is half full. But also half empty.

Life's good.

But the sad part is that the people who should matter most to you do not constitute any part of this joy or happiness. In fact, they're the ones that give you the most grief. And you realize, you don't want them to be a part of your life anymore because it just hurts too much. It's a crumbling aching feeling that you can do nothing about. It's a fucked up, bitter feeling... like a rancid, septic welt that cannot heal, no matter what you do.

In the bible it says that there's a time for love and a time to hate. A time to embrace and a time to refrain. Forgiveness will come when the time for it comes, but for now, I think the first person i need to forgive, is really, just myself. A good friend told me this, that before you can forgive others, you need to be able to forgive yourself. I need space and time to understand what it means to truly forgive myself and to let go of the past. I need time and space to get away from all that's hurting me - the people that make me feel bad. I need to forgive myself for being human.

I'm moving out soon - looking forward to a fresh beginning and further growth spiritually, emotionally and mentally.

I'm almost there. I'll get there soon. I know.

river

surf and foam
this is a journey i'll walk alone
the pleasure
is yours to take
and mine to give
what words can i use
to break my silent fall

my silent fall
into you
into you
into you

make me bold
so i can know
and let you hold
the person that cries out
inside

to be loved
to be held
to be known
to be understood
to be touched
to be caressed

to know and be known
by you alone

free me before i go

if you knew
how easily my heart could give
if you knew
how quickly my thoughts can change
if you knew
how much i long to tell you

this

i'm not yours to keep
my heart is an ocean
and i'm longing for

again

the words to say
to you
to tell you
the one thing that I find it hard to say

The one thing that burdens me today
free me
or i will never be free
Love me
and let me go
but please know

You are in my heart always.

MAARRRRG!!

I hate exams. Me jus wanna chill and poke around.

wo shi shui?

wo shi shui?
wo shi shui?
wo wei shen me
bu neng jiang hua yui hao
wo shi shui
wo shi shui?
wo na li ke yi suan shi
hua ren ne?
wo shi shui?
wo shi shui?
nar yi ke yan yu pei wo hao?
ying yu
hai shi
hua yu
tai kou yu
hai shi
fa gou yu
wo shi shui?
wo da di shi shui?

My Heart Will Trust

Even when the tides
are against me
when the winds
buffet against the sails of my soul
and I am left
breathless
cold,
huddled in damp sweat

glistening in the chill, alone
in the choppy sea

When you tell me
to walk
I will
When you tell me
to stop
I will
When you tell me nothing
Lord
I will wait on you

When the distant stars have faded
When the world is in it's final
throes
When the heavens are agape and
trembling
When all that travels the earth
is lurid dustballs
and roaches that scuttle to and fro

When all I have ever known and come to love
has come and gone to pass
When faces and places
are distant memories
When the earth is
a cold, dead place
Lord.

My soul will find its rest in you.

Touche

Make me a Frenchman
or a dreamboat from Spain
Youthful advances shalt not
be restrained
When I sit alone and
Think for a while
thoughts dissapate
where questions used to prowl
Make me a gentleman
or a rake from
the States
I have no need of Charm
to beguile
When my thoughts are
with you, when my words
are few,
When all that
enters sits on the sill
longing for the
day that I can
meet with you.

Cult Classic?

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few. But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky. Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

A Beautiful Irony

Met up with my classmates for lunch today. I-jean, Alvin and Auds were there. Auds was teasing Alvin over alledgedly having a new gf. But he was being secretive and evasive about it. We lunched for about an hour or so... for a significant part of it, Audrey was quarrelling with her boyfriend over the phone and trying to get him to book tickets for tomorrow's opening of Harry Potter... he was not cooperating so she ended up saying ,'eh, don't be a fucker lah you' ... apparently according to her, 'fucker' is a term of endearment between them. She was complaining about how her bf. is like a tape-recorder ... i'm thinking to myself, they sound like an old married couple who can't stand each other!!!! And they're not even married yet.

Anyways, I guess people all have very different ideas about relationships. My relationship with Alvin wasn't the most harmonious and loving relationship either...

As we parted ways, Alvin went to the bus-stop with me to wait for the feeder bus. He's still as rude as ever and i ended up whacking him with my book. But at the bus-stop I said, 'So? Do you have a new Girlfriend?' he hedged for awhile, and then replied cheekily, 'i have alot of girlfriends'

Then, I say, 'Oh c'mon, you can tell me'

Then he says, 'Yeah, I got a new girlfriend'

'What's her name?

Alvin looks embarrassed.

'is it the girl I saw you with that time in Holland V?'

'No that was my colleague'

'So what's her name?'

'You know her ....'

'Hui Hui?'

'Yeah...'

'I knew it! Even when we were goin out I knew it!!!'(triumphantly)

(Hui Hui was his coursemate in University. She used to hang out with his gang in Uni. When i was going out with Alvin, she was the only girl I'd ever get unreasonably jealous and insecure about. It was just a gut feeling I couldn't explain, but I felt she and Alvin were much better suited than I was with him ... =) And I guess I was right!)

The rest of our dialogue follows, for a couple more seconds before my bus arrives.

'No...Lah, last time never'

'Oh.. no, I knew that you weren't goin to act on it ... but I knew you guys were suited la...... '

'Last time it would never have happpened la.. coz' she wasn't a christian wat'

'Oh, she's christian now?'

'Yes, of course, definitely'

'Cool! So are you happy then?'

'Yah'

'That's cool, I'm glad for you'

And my bus comes... and I board the bus, beep my card, turn around to wave at Alvin, who's still smiling his big smile back at me- the big smile that he would flash me whenever I'd turn around from my table to look at him when were were classmates in Junior College. When he was still 'Alvin Airhead' to me and I was still 'Dee- BRa' to him....

It's such a beautiful irony, to know that I was right all along about him and Hui Hui... I'm glad for him... yet, there's another part of me that feels sad and tender. It's a final goodbye to any illusions about a youthful romance that I had once cherished. It's a bittersweet feelin.

But I'm glad. Coz' I know that they are so much happier together than Alvin and I ever were or ever could be.

And as for me... oh well.... perhaps one day i'll find my prince. If not, i'll keep a cat.

=)

Life is always throwing curveballs at us. But... mercy! for for beautiful ironies like these!

Thank God.

Malay Lesson

I had the benefit of malay language tips from a friend today.

Ah Macham - Hi, How are you?

Pergi Mana? - Where you going?

Buat apa? - Do what?

Minum apa? - Drink what?

apa kau jakap? - What are you talking about?

penat sey - Tired la

ngan tuk sey - sleep la

We were shopping around in Cold Storage today. And guess what, we saw racist tea. Yeah.. truly, =) guess what the brand was?

'Ahmad Tea'

I told him i would buy it for him this Christmas.

keke. =)

Life gets more interesting everyday. I feel like flying over to Seattle to visit my brother. I just can't take it anymore. Just want to be there.

Quiet Heart

Shatter-post
fall agape
strip in naked
fall upon me
spirit

I know nothing
assume much
beg for all
hope for nothing

just fall into me and
grant me a quiet heart

I pray

grant me a quiet heart