Kitsch

Kitsch: art, objects, or design considered to be in poor taste because of excessive garishness or sentimentality, but sometimes appreciated in an ironic or knowing way.

recognition
that simple glance
a slight brush
against your skin

and you're reminded
of a time ... not too long ago
when you dreamt
deeply

Design
a fabric pattern; or
deliberate intention
the universe
... and a solitary ant
trudging,
morsel on its back
homeward bound

Hope
and mystery
weave in endless
minutes that meld
one into another;

Repetition and
metamorphosis
borne unto the days
like Siamese twins

Control
Tightrope walking
on an endless road
when will it end?

Sleep
beckons; dreams
to reckon with
it's a new day tomorrow
let me be transformed
in slumber

Psalms 131

This is the image i know so well, each time i walk from the 12th floor of my block to the 10th floor where I live. My home.

It's been quite a journey thus far, full to turns and twists and darkness. But here i am back home yet once more.

'Life is a long lesson in humility' - James Matthew Barrie

Psalm 131
Lord, my heart is not haughty
Nor my eyes lofty.
Neither do I concern myself
with great matters
Nor with things too
profound for me

Surely I have calmed and
quieted my soul,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel, hope in the Lord
From this time forth and
forever.

Running Poetry

when i kick the bucket
what color will the sky be?
will there be sunshine on
my coffin
will quiet eyes
issue silent tears
and will
shrouded faces line
the edges of my light green grave?

when you died
and went away
what did you leave behind?
and why did you go
before i knew how to release you
and why did you leave
before I could bid you farewell

and when you died
did you think
of me
Did my face appear
in your mind's eye
the same way

i often see you now?

Thicket fences

I spy them in your eyes
although you never speak
the words outloud
i can tell

thicket fences to
shield you from
knowing looks
and prying eyes

from faith healers
and recondite shamans
who do not comprehend
with their righteous prescriptions
and ritual incantations.

thicket fences
quiet wanderer
when will you learn?
and when will you let the healing begin?

I spy it in your eyes
you're a tease
you're waiting for me
to start aren't you?

thicket fences
you hide behind
yeah,
i see you

thicket fences
where the healing begins.

trading political freedom for cultural freedom

In my thesis, I wrote that Singaporean's are willing to trade political freedom for cultural freedom. I can see how that works now. I can see how the consumption of Movies, Books, TV series, fashion and the ease of travel overseas as an escape, make Singaporeans somewhat grudgingly accepting of the current political vise that the country is in.

I see it happening in my own life. I'm thinking that I would be willing to stay here, because of roots, not roots in the country and the national heritage, but in terms of relationships with friends and family. That is the familiar rhetoric of most people I know here, I find myself coming to the same conclusion. In addition to this also, the relative availability of avenues to make a living, presents another plus point - even if that involves hard hard work. Everything here is cut and dried, the familiar requires no unease or discomfort, except at a very subliminal level that people are too busy earning money to pay attention to.

I realise that more and more Singaporeans are turning towards Christianity, I suspect that for many, the Church offers easy comfort and justification for the disjucture that many Singaporeans find between their personal hopes and dreams and their present situation.

When considering my current position, I have thought long and hard about why I feel so bad about not working, in spite of the fact that I am investing my time in very worthwhile activities that nurture the soul and which encourage personal growth. I feel bad because I am not earning money. Period.

Now, let me rethink that rationale again. If a girl has been overworked and is physically, emotionally and mentally depleted, would I condemn her for not working? Would she be only considered valuable only when she's earning money? What's the value of a person?

Let me rethink in another vein. If I had absolutely no alternative except to earn money by being a cleaner i.e. killing people for a living, would I still do it? It would still pay for the mortgage, wouldn't it? We all have to make a living, put bread on the table etc. Yet, what's the value of a person?

'Singaporeans trade political freedom and social ownership for economic expediency and relatively unfettered cultural consumption, this equation makes for a stable and upwardly mobile society: strikingly apparent when one considers the number and make of cars on the roads of Singapore'

In terms of building a cohesive national identity however, this breaks down to a melee of disparate voices with no internal sense of cohesion. Singapore can never have a national identity as long as this trend continues. Looking at the passage of political leaders in Singapore since independence over 40 years ago. This trend will not soon change.

On a personal level, I'm still vacillating as to whether or not I should move to Bangkok next year. In many ways I think it will be a very good thing for me to spend time with my Dad there and just breathe in a different air. Yes, Bangkok traffic pollution aside, the social mileu there is vastly different and presents an innate attraction for me. The church that I attend there also is very different from the one here. It's alot more international, many people there work freelance or are english teachers or are NGO workers. The attitude and approach towards life is very different.

Perhaps the Chapter of 'Struggle with Singapore' is coming to an end for now. There might come another chapter somewhere in the future with Singapore mentioned somewhere... but for now, I'm dealing the last few cards in the deck, and Singapore isn't on the cards.

Flipping thru' old notes

I was just flippin thru' some old notes I had written in my first year at NUS, it was simply ticklish!!! I felt so amused by some of the stuff I had written that I feel compelled to write it here.

Here's a short play that I had written and never completed...

A SHORT PLAY - by Deborah Lee (2002)

(This play consists mainly of LOTTA who attends university in the Numbskull Utopia of Singapore - or so she thinks... The act opens with her sitting in her literature class building another castle in the sky while the affable American lecturer tries to elicit some response from the sonmabulistic critters she has for classmates)

RB( Lecturer): ( Legs straddled across a chair and leaning forward intently) As I told you before, although I love to hear my own voice, I am infinitely more enamoured with yours... so speak up!!! What are your views on he text?

*deafening silence*

That was about 4 years ago. I never thought I would one day write this, but being in NUS has been a very good thing for me. I feel that it was a place that allowed me to grow and explore areas in my life that I had previously neglected. In addition to this, the academic material that I studied acquainted me on a more concrete level with the societal and political landscape of Singapore - something I might never have properly understood, perhaps, if I had continued studying abroad.

Why is this valuable? I believe that it is infinitely valuable because in order to move forward, one has to understand where ones comes from. Undeniably, I was born in Singapore: I grew up in the Singaporean mileau and on a very visceral, unconscious level am probably imbued with the Singaporean mindset and approach to living. It will bode me well to understand the full import and significance of my roots - which attending University in Singapore has done for me. As my mom likes to quote from Sun Tze who wrote 'The Art of War', 'know thy enemy, know thyself, in a thousand battles, a thousand victories'

Maaaa, thank yew! Summore Popiah phulleese!!! ;)

Stuck in Fancy Museums I didn't care for...

What if you had to jump 250 feet from a cliff face into the sea? There was no other way down, you on the edge of a cliff, stuck in the middle of the sea, nobody with you, no phone, nothing. And you had to jump?

What would you feel as you jumped off the ledge? What would you feel? Would you be afraid? Have you loved? Have you seen many beautiful things? Would you be ready to go?

Would you be ready to go?

I want to live each day like it's the best day of my life, to write on my heart that everyday is the best day of my life.

I know the day will come when I live in a country with four seasons, I know that day will come eventually, when I am surrounded by people who really 'get it', I know that day will come eventually when all my dreams will be fulfilled, and I will have loved and lived and I will have three cats and maybe a dog and perhaps even a son and a husband.

I know that day will come, but until that day, live is unfolding now.. I'm sucking deep into the marrow of life. Living it. Feeling every modicum of it, savouring each feeling as it washes over me. Deep calls to deep and all the breakers and waves and oceans have come over me, coursed through me, and I cannot resist it anymore.

Life beckons. And I walk out from a fancy museum to join her at her side.

Harley

I took up a freelance writing assignment with Think! Magazine recently. It was about Harley riders. I joined the Sierra Bravo Charlie/ Sunday Breakfast Club/Stupid Boys Club for a jaunt up to JB for Prata in the early morning. It was such fun! Sarge, who invited me to the ride, used his bigger bike with another seat at the back, it was super comfortable, the music was blasting, lots of rock and roll songs from the 60s and 70s...


It wasn't just the ride up and back that was fun, it was just talking to them. They're just a bunch of guys in their 40s or so that love having fun, not much different from the rest of us I'd say... apart from their expensive Harley bikes.

Love

'I don't exist to like, but I do exist to love. Contrary to liking, love demands nothing in return' - Hugh Prather

Love is a very difficult thing. But I think I'm beginning to understand it alittle better these days.

Hope

Today I work up, feeling really lame about being me and I was praying and then I heard God telling me, 'let me love you...'.

And again, I thought of my time at Hannover, Germany, with Micha, Fanny and their 9 month old baby Kajsa. It was such a special time for me: the love and tenderness that they had for each other and their child just did wonders for my heart.

Images of Micha bathing Kajsa, feeding her and just gently caring for her came to mind. I still remember how we wanted to go out for dinner... Micha and I left alittle later so that Kajsa could settle down and fall asleep, Satomi and Fanny left earlier so as to reserve the table for us at the restaurant.

When Kajsa had finally fallen asleep. Micha and I got on our bikes and cycled all the way to the restaurant, but not without taking along the baby phone (which would sound an alarm if Kajsa started crying badly) So we had a nice 12 minute cycle to the restaurant, which was so warm and inviting and dimly lit when we arrived... it was such a relief to be finally seated and to look at the menu and chose what to eat! 5 minutes into our anticipation of gastronomical pleasure, the baby phone starting buzzing. Micha got up and left almost immediately telling us not to order for him because he might have to stay with Kajsa the whole night.

Well, we ordered food for ourselves, keeping our fingers crossed about whether or not Micha would be able join us for dinner. And eventually he got back because Kajsa had managed to fall soundly asleep this time. She slept straight through our dinner and we had a lovely dinner of mushroom starters, german spatzle and delectable desserts. But all the time i was just so touched and amazed at his love for Kajsa. I don't know many Dad's that are that in touch with their babies, who'd be willing to put down everything they're doing at the drop of a hat for their child.

But I was just reminded that God, my heavenly father above loves me so deeply and so much more than how Micha could ever love Kajsa, or any other human parent their child. I was reminded too that that he will bring healing into my life, I just have to trust him and let him love me, the way a child lets her father love her.

A Purpose Driven Life

I received the email below, from my Dad. My mom feels disappointed in me, I saw her reading a book today entitled ,'When your grown up kids disappoint you.' I guess she feels upset that I want to pursue music as a career.

These days I've been sleeping really late and thinking thru' alot of things that's been happening in my life. It seems like fear tends to govern so many of the decisions I make in life: fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of poverty, fear of loneliness, fear of joblessness, fear of not being 'actualized' in life...whatever that means. Fear of being stuck in a city I feel at odds with so much of the time, fear of being judged by other people, fear of speaking my mind, fear of putting my money where my mouth is because I'm afraid that I might not be able to deal with the consequences of my decisions.

I wish I could find the freedom from fear and live my life in a way that brings peace and hope to myself and to those around me. But I struggle as well with being true to myself - my innermost desires and passions... the one thing that I've wanted to accomplish for so long...

Fear of regrets. That's one thing... i fear, the fear of regrets. I'd hate to imagine myself somewhere down the line in the future, perhaps being a mother with two kids and settled in Singapore or in some other country always having that question in my mind, 'what if I had the guts and pursued music?'

I think I would rather have tried and failed, so then I would know, and there would not be all these unanswered questions in my mind.

Some people say, 'Life can only be understood backwards,' but I feel that life, is really, quite a mystery. I look at the events in my life that brought me here to where I am today and I'm still frankly, quite puzzled. My heart and my mind are in conflict all the time these days. There are a million and one things I want to do, pursue music, change the world, work for the poor in Africa, shoot my own video, visit more parts of Southeast Asia, be a freelance photographer and writer... but there are all these other thoughts that come in too, coz' of monetary concerns, i.e. why not be a banker? why not settle for job security? Why not just take the safer path and persue a pHd? why not.... etc etc etc....

What the head says and what the heart does are two completely different things.

The day I can get my heart to move in unison all the time with my mind, is the day i cease to be human.

The speaker at the Saturday Evening Service said, 'Don't listen to the pop psychology that tells you, "follow your heart"! Listen to the holy spirit, that still small voice inside of you.'

And so ... I listen now. ... and what do i find? A troubling, disturbing, uncomfortable, feeling that there is some unfinished business that I haven't attended to for ages; a little something that I've been putting off for too long:

Since I graduated from ACJC, I went on a missions trip to Korat, Thailand. There were about two months of preparation before I left for the the town, in which I was meant to stay for two months.

The missions preparation, I felt, was abit stifling, I simply did not enjoy the long hours and heavy schedule of seminars and workshops. Furthermore, I felt that I could not really relate to the people in the team on a deeper level than through Christian jargon and 'shared spiritual exchanges' for lack of a better words. Even then I did not feel like I was truly connecting.

However, when I finally got to Korat, Thailand, it was like, I was living in another dimension! I found the people there to be people I could genuinely connect with in spite of the fact that we spoke different languages. I found myself wanting to learn the language. I'd carry around a notebook and my oft repeated phrase then was, 'how do you say ( ) in Thai?' So, there I was in Thailand, really soaking up the atmosphere, dying to learn the language and adjusting to the new bed, the masses of mosquitoes and un-airconditioned rooms, and I was, apart from the sleepless nights I had due to the mozzies and unfamiliarity with the bed, having a ball.

That's when I got a call from my mother who was angry with me for going off on a missions trip - some of the companies that I had applied for a scholarship from had called me up for interviews and obviously she was pissed off because I was not in Singapore.

So, predictably, duty-bound by fear and financial responsiblities as I was, I ended up pulling out from the trip and going back for the interviews... in none of which I succeeded in cinching the coveted scholarship. I still remember my 3rd round, and final interview with the PSA, they looked me up and down and said, 'So, what do you want to do with your life?'

I replied, 'Honestly, I really have no idea'

Yeah, that should definitely go into the book for 'How botch your interview'

So, I ended up going to Cornell, learning Thai there, having my studies there abruptly terminated, being enrolled in Southeast Asian Studies in NUS, (coz' of my interest in the Thai language and culture), and doing something related to Thailand every break I have e.g. music missions with CCC, translating for Duang Prateep Foundation, working in jobs that require Thai speaking and reading skills, going for a youth expedition trip to Pattani in Southern Thailand, and visiting my Dad who for reasons entirely unrelated to my interest in Thailand, has moved to Bangkok to retire.

Yeah, I've done all that... I can read and speak Thai now... on my CV, it's right up there with all my education qualifications, under 'language skills.' I have proudly embelllished that section with a good paragraph of my Thai experience and expertise. I'm so proud of being fluent in the language.. but I've never gone back to Korat.

Not since 1999. And now there's an opportunity to go... and i'm not going because my coffers are empty?

Well, I could dip into my savings, but whatever happened to financial discipline and all those other aspirations I had to earn money and support myself without dipping into my savings which i'm carefully hoarding for future music pursuits?

I don't know. But this is the issue, among other thingamajits, that is keeping me up tonight. And so I write...





I received this from William Wee. I read it and found it to be very good so
I want to share it with you.
Love,
Pa
> THE GREATEST ADVICE - Rick Warren, the Purpose Driven Life
>
> Don't date because you are desperate.
> Don't marry because you are miserable.
> Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
> Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.
>
> Don't associate with people you can't trust.
> Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
> Don't dictate because you are smarter.
> Don't demand because you are stronger.
>
> Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough & know
> better.
> Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
> Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
> Don't stagnate!
>
> Don't regress.
> Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
> Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr. Right.
> Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr. Wrong because your
> biological clock is ticking.
>
> Learn a new skill.
> Find a new friend.
> Start a new career.
> Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid for
> some of life's more hasty decisions.
>
> To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
> To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
> To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
> Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.
>
> To make yourself happy, pursue your passions & be the best of what
> you can be.
> Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
> Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and
> dangerous liaisons.
> Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.
>
> Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your
> family.
> Be true to yourself.
> Don't commit when you are not ready.
> Don't keep others waiting needlessly.
>
> Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
> Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
> Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.
>
> Write poetry.
> Love Deeply.
> Walk barefoot.
> Dance with wild abandon.
> Cry at the movies.
>
> Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
> You light up your life.
> You drive yourself to your destination.
> No one completes you - except YOU.
>
> It isn't true that life does not get easier with age.
> It only gets more challenging.
> Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
> Pursue your passions.
>
> Live your dreams.
> Don't lose faith in God.
> Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!
>
> When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of
> your life that you'll never get back.
> Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give
> to someone is your time.
> Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love
> is T-I-M-E because the essence of love is not what we think or do or
> provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves .
>
>

Unhappy in Singapore

Why am i unhappy here? Is it because I feel the air is alittle more tepid, alittle more recycled, alittle more suffocating? Why do i feel like i'm running thru' the same things time and again? Why do i feel the same anger, the same fears the same hostility?

Why do I feel so trapped?

Why do I feel so damn bloody trapped.

Maybe because of family, society, politics, mentalities and idealogies that are so hard to break.

Maybe because of the air, that is breathed in and recycled, again and again until there are no more fresh exchanges and nothing left to say.... except to ask 'how much' and to compare salaries and how to change baby nappies.

Why am i unhappy here? Perhaps it's because we live in a climate of fear? Perhaps because living in fear is not truly living?

Why do we toil and struggle and strive and pretend that we're all ok when really, we're not?

Whey do we try and suggest that things are ok when they're not?

Why do we take everything the newspapers, radio and television here tells us and accept it even though we know it's all scripted and planned? Why do we nod, and accept and go on to living our lives, earning our thousands, like mindless drones in a queen bee's nest?

When did we learn to stop feeling, caring, seeing, thinking, perceiving, trusting... when did we learn to switch off our hearts and keep on moving... when did we decide that we could stop living and merely exist?

Ode to the Creator of Music

When I cannot write
perhaps I will pen
a thought that comes from you

When I cannot sing
perhaps I will make music
that blesses your name

When my heart is heavy
and tears won't fall
I lift my soul to you

When I am empty
and terribly alone
that's when I know you're near

When the music thuds
in my brain
and hits my heart like a train
When it has taken me away
and carried me home

I know i'll find you there

I cannot see blind

I cannot see blind
when you insist
upon a metal phrase
that persists to
bite and never erase
the guilt of
memories that
will not desist

I cannot see blind
when you try
to hide behind the
lens of crime
and criminals
do not become less human
when you pocket
their freedom

I cannot see blind
until I let you go
until I speak so slow
until I feel the warmth
and glow

of a forgiving heart

Super Tired

Have you ever felt extremely extremely tired?

That's how i'm feeling now. Exhausted to the bone.

I think i may have been taking this music practise business to an extreme. Like i've been worrying about it more than I've been enjoying it.

That's the feedback i get from most people that i jam with, learn from or practise with. That i should not stress up about it, but enjoy it.

I read this wonderful little excerpt from from 'Follow Your Heart' yesterday, written by Andrew Matthews (which is an absolutely recommended read btw)

When I set out to be a portrait artist, I decided nothing would get in my way. My recipe was "paint ten hours a day, seven days a week - and if that doesn't work, paint all night". I painted some woeful picutures. Exhuasted and frustrated, it began to dawn on me that desperation doesn't work.

Life remains a struggle while you insist it's a struggle. There is such a thing as letting things unfold.

A young boy travelled across Japan to see a great martial artist. Given an audience with the Sensei, he said: "Master how long will it take me to become a great martial artist?"

The sensei replied 'Ten Years'

The young boy then said, 'Master, I am very keen. I will work day and night. Now how long will it take?"

And the Sensei said: "Twenty"

That's the paradox of life i guess. Persistence does pay off, eventually, ref. to the parable of the persistent widow in the bible, but when we're struggling over and worrying about something we want so badly every waking hour of our life, we take longer to get to our destinations, and in the meantime, we're not enjoying the process.

What guarantees are there that we'll still be alive tomorrow? I've heard it said so often that it's 'the journey is more important that the destination,' how often we fail to internalize it though.

I've got this poster stuck up in my room now, it's actually a picture of a girl at the top of a flight of stairs leading out of the woods into the light. Below the picture is a quote that really spoke to me.

'Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life, as by the obstacles which one has overcome while trying to succeed'

- Booker T. Washington

Perfect

Perfect pose
strike a calm

in still repose
nothing doin

but i'm so anxious
so anxious
i want it so bad

so bad

never knew how much
i'd give for this
can't release my clutch
a deadlock

hoping for a world
i never knew
a mystery i could
never unveil

wanting something so bad
torn up inside
help me to let go

and my tales i'll unfold
to you

Walking after you

Tonight Im tangled in my blanket of clouds
Dreaming aloud
Things just wont do without you, matter of fact
Im on your back, Im on your back, Im on your back

If you walk out on me, Im walking after you
If you walk out on me, Im walking after you

If youd accept surrender, Ill give up some more
Werent you adored
I cannot be without you, matter of fact
Im on your back, Im on your back, Im on your back

If you walk out on me, Im walking after you
If you walk out on me, Im walking after you

Another heart is cracked in two, Im on your back

I cannot be without you, matter of fact
Im on your back, Im on your back, Im on your back

If you walk out on me, Im walking after you
If you walk out on me, Im walking after you
If you walk out on me, Im walking after you

Another heart is cracked in two, Im on your back

-foo fighters



Hearts confused

keep pretending
that you're alright
keep on trying to
keep up an act
when all that's inside

tells you otherwise
tells you otherwise

keep on running
keep on showing
keep on striving
for that perfect peace
and act like nothing's amiss

when all that's inside

tells you otherwise
tells you otherwise

Running, chasing
after a mystery
running, hoping
misery on your heels
fear in your heart

Running, chasing
after a world
of sublimity
Running, chasing
after an unquenched hope

Come and run after me.

I gigged!

One of my first few gigs and it was great fun. Played with Pat at the Arts house ... we did our fav. songs, like 'on & on' by the longpigs, 'Wish you were here' by Pink Floyd and 'Here comes the Sun' by the Beatles.. and we played 'Poetry and Rhyme,' one of my own songs. It actually turned out pretty well. =)

It's amazing how interconnected everyone in the scene is. Today i found out the guy that plays for Astreal and who runs Wallworks is actually my primary schoolmate. We caught up on all the 10 plus years since primary school. I was amazed that he remembered me all the way back from Nanyang days.

I'm planning to take a year out for music and do abit of translating/free-lance writing work on the side. Planning to move to Bangkok next year when the lease ends and stay with my Dad. I've always wanted to live in Thailand for an extended period. I think Bangkok is a really exciting city with loads to discover... and when I go there I'll be able to brush up on my Thai. Now all i got to do is figure out how to get a work permit.

It's amazing how life can be sometimes. I'm so glad i decided to stick around.

=) Thank kew God.

I bombed da paper

Cripers... it's been a while since i did such a bad paper. (discounting french) The last paper i did today was a 200 MCQ paper on drugs and society, which had exceedingly detailed questions that a skiver like me who did not attend a single lecture of the course was hard pressed to answer. I did alot of guesswork today.

I hope i don't fail this paper coz' if i do.... i can't graduate!

chaow chee bye.

Staying young on the outside

Today at a political forum, I met this lady who looks like she's in her early forties. She approached me to talk about a point i had raised. Deeper into the discussion with her, she revealed that she was going to be 60 years old next year. I could not believe it! She didn't look anything like it!

She shared with me that she doesn't take medication at all, even vitamin supplements. She eats well and exercises alot. This really underlines the importance of excercise and diet. I really believe that our future does not lie in medication, but in healthy living.

No more chocolate for me!!!

(well, maybe just a smidgeon... hee! )