Not angry anymore

Not angry anymore
but more like in a conundrum
how do i get out of this mess i created???

pooks.

Proof Reading

I'm proof reading
my words
the script that i wrote

Does my character ring true
to the person that I play?

I'm proof reading
my thoughts
my honest; spontaneous thoughts

Do my words ring true
to the feelings I portray

I'm proof reading
my heart
my honest, random heart
and asking myself

If there's a part of it that's gotten dark

I'm proof reading
the script
that i wrote for myself

And i realize that
it was written for someone else

On Love

Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razer
that leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winterfar beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose


'The Rose' - Bette Midler


I heard this song being sung by a girl at a cafe. I love the lyrics - just speaks to me so much.

In Panama City Beach, I once saw an old couple just walking hand in hand along the shore in the light of the setting sun.

A British friend i met in UBC told me that her parents are still madly in love with each other even after all these years and that they take 'dirty holidays' together.

I love how the relationship between Anne and Gilbert develops in 'Anne of Green Gables.' It took a while for them to fall in love. Especialy on Anne's side. =) Gilbert had always fancied her even when they were kids in school, although he really pissed her off when he called her 'carrot tops'; he tried to make it up by giving her a sugarheart that said 'you're sweet' which Anne proceeded to crush soundly underfoot upon receiving it. But one day he saved her when she was stuck on a sinking raft floating down the river - that was the start of their friendship - which eventually blossomed into love.

At the risk of sounding like a cheeseball, is there such a thing as 'a true love'? I'd like to believe so.

Yes i do. There's no fixed time frame to meet the right person. I think we should take our time. And have lots of fun in the meantime!


Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose


I wait for spring. and the sun's soft rays to awaken me.

the past

I went running today. And took another route, other the the usual canal, Ghimo, Commonwealth and Clementi rd route. I ran up Buona Vista... on the way back home down holland road. I was passing Coronation Rd West.
I just had to run down that road.

As i did, something broke within me.

So much attachment to that place! So much meaning is embued within those streets. in the neighborhood i grew up in.

I walked back to Jalan Ampang. My whole body was heaving with sobs. The past was indelibly gone. Yet it lingers on in my mind - in me. I walked past 33 Jalan Ampang. I glanced at it and cried. And cried and cried.. and walked on. just kept on walking down the hill... turned left down lim Tai see and was going to the playground or back to Sunset way.

My home.

so familiar - so far, so near, lost ...

I was overcome by my emotions. And had to stop for a while by the green railing along Lim Tai See. A voice told me, "Deb, you need to go back. Go back and have a good look at 33 Jalan Ampang. Deb, the past is no more - it's gone. And you need to let go of it in order to move on. You need to let go of it all... to live in the now. To live in the present."

I went back. just stood there for a good 10 minutes, and cried my heart out. I've been dreaming of home for the longest time now... in my dreams, i'm sitting at the table in 33 Jalan Ampang with my brother and my family... the sunlight lights up the room.

Now 33 Jalan Ampang is a 3 story edifice - very LA looking... complete with a louvered rooftop and a basement for 3 or 4 cars. As i stood there looking, another car drove in and an American man came out with someone else. I couldn't see clearly... he same something, it was quite indistinct, but i caught the words, 'it's like you're living in 3 realities at once'. How true.

I remember when I was 9, when i had just got back from school and was still in my Nanyang uniform, the doorbell rang. I went out and was greeted by a middle-aged caucasian couple. They introduced themselves and said that they were the previous owners of this place. They asked if my parents were home, but no one except me was in, so they just took a picture of me behind the gate, (with my permission), thanked me and then left.

A couple of weeks later, we received a letter from the couple, who introduced themselves to us and who also enclosed that picture of me behind the gate and other older photos of 33 Jalan Ampang and the neighborhood before we moved in. In those photos, there was no housing opposite of 33 Jalan Ampang, just empty grassland. My mother was abit shocked that they had taken the photo of me, she felt that it was quite dangerous that I let them take the photo of me. Haha.

Anyways, that just reminded me of myself. OF the 9 year old Nanyang girl. Of the adult me now that came back, needed to come back to revisit the house. I thought to myself, 'well, now, who am i?'

I am the girl that walked up this hill almost everyday as a child,
I am the girl that likes the color green,
I am the girl that had her first boyfriend at 16,
I'm the girl that's crying now, revisiting this old place in her heart.

Most of the memories associated with Jalan Ampang are penciled with grief and angst and a general sense of loss and abandonment. But it's still meaningful to me. It is precious - somehow ...still.

Nostalgia is said to be a grammer lesson where you find the past perfect and the present tense.

The past for me was far from perfect.

I say that nostalgia is a longing for a place where we can belong. A place that no one can ever find on earth. It's a longing for Home.

Loneliness

I'm feeling lonely

it's a loneliness that won't go away
even when I'm with a friend

it's a loneliness

that can only be assuaged

when I lose myself in books,
music
dreaming
thoughts...

it's a loneliness that comes and goes
the tides.. of caring and not caring. Is there anything more constant?

It's a loneliness that has found it's way into my heart
and is here to stay

it's a loneliness that makes me want to
write
and think

and then write somemore.

Do you know that feeling?

I want to fall in love.

But I can't

Slap

Slap a face
slap my face
slap my thigh
slap your thigh

in laughter

slap me
make me wake up
make me wake up


Am I dreaming
am i Dreaming
AM I DREAMING????????

I reaching out for something more
searching for something deeper
hoping for something more

What is this?
Where are you?
How can I find you?

Slap me so I wake up

Wake up

and find you next to me.