Today I work up, feeling really lame about being me and I was praying and then I heard God telling me, 'let me love you...'.
And again, I thought of my time at Hannover, Germany, with Micha, Fanny and their 9 month old baby Kajsa. It was such a special time for me: the love and tenderness that they had for each other and their child just did wonders for my heart.
Images of Micha bathing Kajsa, feeding her and just gently caring for her came to mind. I still remember how we wanted to go out for dinner... Micha and I left alittle later so that Kajsa could settle down and fall asleep, Satomi and Fanny left earlier so as to reserve the table for us at the restaurant.
When Kajsa had finally fallen asleep. Micha and I got on our bikes and cycled all the way to the restaurant, but not without taking along the baby phone (which would sound an alarm if Kajsa started crying badly) So we had a nice 12 minute cycle to the restaurant, which was so warm and inviting and dimly lit when we arrived... it was such a relief to be finally seated and to look at the menu and chose what to eat! 5 minutes into our anticipation of gastronomical pleasure, the baby phone starting buzzing. Micha got up and left almost immediately telling us not to order for him because he might have to stay with Kajsa the whole night.
Well, we ordered food for ourselves, keeping our fingers crossed about whether or not Micha would be able join us for dinner. And eventually he got back because Kajsa had managed to fall soundly asleep this time. She slept straight through our dinner and we had a lovely dinner of mushroom starters, german spatzle and delectable desserts. But all the time i was just so touched and amazed at his love for Kajsa. I don't know many Dad's that are that in touch with their babies, who'd be willing to put down everything they're doing at the drop of a hat for their child.
But I was just reminded that God, my heavenly father above loves me so deeply and so much more than how Micha could ever love Kajsa, or any other human parent their child. I was reminded too that that he will bring healing into my life, I just have to trust him and let him love me, the way a child lets her father love her.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
A Purpose Driven Life
I received the email below, from my Dad. My mom feels disappointed in me, I saw her reading a book today entitled ,'When your grown up kids disappoint you.' I guess she feels upset that I want to pursue music as a career.
These days I've been sleeping really late and thinking thru' alot of things that's been happening in my life. It seems like fear tends to govern so many of the decisions I make in life: fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of poverty, fear of loneliness, fear of joblessness, fear of not being 'actualized' in life...whatever that means. Fear of being stuck in a city I feel at odds with so much of the time, fear of being judged by other people, fear of speaking my mind, fear of putting my money where my mouth is because I'm afraid that I might not be able to deal with the consequences of my decisions.
I wish I could find the freedom from fear and live my life in a way that brings peace and hope to myself and to those around me. But I struggle as well with being true to myself - my innermost desires and passions... the one thing that I've wanted to accomplish for so long...
Fear of regrets. That's one thing... i fear, the fear of regrets. I'd hate to imagine myself somewhere down the line in the future, perhaps being a mother with two kids and settled in Singapore or in some other country always having that question in my mind, 'what if I had the guts and pursued music?'
I think I would rather have tried and failed, so then I would know, and there would not be all these unanswered questions in my mind.
Some people say, 'Life can only be understood backwards,' but I feel that life, is really, quite a mystery. I look at the events in my life that brought me here to where I am today and I'm still frankly, quite puzzled. My heart and my mind are in conflict all the time these days. There are a million and one things I want to do, pursue music, change the world, work for the poor in Africa, shoot my own video, visit more parts of Southeast Asia, be a freelance photographer and writer... but there are all these other thoughts that come in too, coz' of monetary concerns, i.e. why not be a banker? why not settle for job security? Why not just take the safer path and persue a pHd? why not.... etc etc etc....
What the head says and what the heart does are two completely different things.
The day I can get my heart to move in unison all the time with my mind, is the day i cease to be human.
The speaker at the Saturday Evening Service said, 'Don't listen to the pop psychology that tells you, "follow your heart"! Listen to the holy spirit, that still small voice inside of you.'
And so ... I listen now. ... and what do i find? A troubling, disturbing, uncomfortable, feeling that there is some unfinished business that I haven't attended to for ages; a little something that I've been putting off for too long:
Since I graduated from ACJC, I went on a missions trip to Korat, Thailand. There were about two months of preparation before I left for the the town, in which I was meant to stay for two months.
The missions preparation, I felt, was abit stifling, I simply did not enjoy the long hours and heavy schedule of seminars and workshops. Furthermore, I felt that I could not really relate to the people in the team on a deeper level than through Christian jargon and 'shared spiritual exchanges' for lack of a better words. Even then I did not feel like I was truly connecting.
However, when I finally got to Korat, Thailand, it was like, I was living in another dimension! I found the people there to be people I could genuinely connect with in spite of the fact that we spoke different languages. I found myself wanting to learn the language. I'd carry around a notebook and my oft repeated phrase then was, 'how do you say ( ) in Thai?' So, there I was in Thailand, really soaking up the atmosphere, dying to learn the language and adjusting to the new bed, the masses of mosquitoes and un-airconditioned rooms, and I was, apart from the sleepless nights I had due to the mozzies and unfamiliarity with the bed, having a ball.
That's when I got a call from my mother who was angry with me for going off on a missions trip - some of the companies that I had applied for a scholarship from had called me up for interviews and obviously she was pissed off because I was not in Singapore.
So, predictably, duty-bound by fear and financial responsiblities as I was, I ended up pulling out from the trip and going back for the interviews... in none of which I succeeded in cinching the coveted scholarship. I still remember my 3rd round, and final interview with the PSA, they looked me up and down and said, 'So, what do you want to do with your life?'
I replied, 'Honestly, I really have no idea'
Yeah, that should definitely go into the book for 'How botch your interview'
So, I ended up going to Cornell, learning Thai there, having my studies there abruptly terminated, being enrolled in Southeast Asian Studies in NUS, (coz' of my interest in the Thai language and culture), and doing something related to Thailand every break I have e.g. music missions with CCC, translating for Duang Prateep Foundation, working in jobs that require Thai speaking and reading skills, going for a youth expedition trip to Pattani in Southern Thailand, and visiting my Dad who for reasons entirely unrelated to my interest in Thailand, has moved to Bangkok to retire.
Yeah, I've done all that... I can read and speak Thai now... on my CV, it's right up there with all my education qualifications, under 'language skills.' I have proudly embelllished that section with a good paragraph of my Thai experience and expertise. I'm so proud of being fluent in the language.. but I've never gone back to Korat.
Not since 1999. And now there's an opportunity to go... and i'm not going because my coffers are empty?
Well, I could dip into my savings, but whatever happened to financial discipline and all those other aspirations I had to earn money and support myself without dipping into my savings which i'm carefully hoarding for future music pursuits?
I don't know. But this is the issue, among other thingamajits, that is keeping me up tonight. And so I write...
I received this from William Wee. I read it and found it to be very good so
I want to share it with you.
Love,
Pa
> THE GREATEST ADVICE - Rick Warren, the Purpose Driven Life
>
> Don't date because you are desperate.
> Don't marry because you are miserable.
> Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
> Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.
>
> Don't associate with people you can't trust.
> Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
> Don't dictate because you are smarter.
> Don't demand because you are stronger.
>
> Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough & know
> better.
> Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
> Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
> Don't stagnate!
>
> Don't regress.
> Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
> Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr. Right.
> Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr. Wrong because your
> biological clock is ticking.
>
> Learn a new skill.
> Find a new friend.
> Start a new career.
> Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid for
> some of life's more hasty decisions.
>
> To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
> To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
> To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
> Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.
>
> To make yourself happy, pursue your passions & be the best of what
> you can be.
> Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
> Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and
> dangerous liaisons.
> Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.
>
> Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your
> family.
> Be true to yourself.
> Don't commit when you are not ready.
> Don't keep others waiting needlessly.
>
> Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
> Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
> Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.
>
> Write poetry.
> Love Deeply.
> Walk barefoot.
> Dance with wild abandon.
> Cry at the movies.
>
> Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
> You light up your life.
> You drive yourself to your destination.
> No one completes you - except YOU.
>
> It isn't true that life does not get easier with age.
> It only gets more challenging.
> Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
> Pursue your passions.
>
> Live your dreams.
> Don't lose faith in God.
> Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!
>
> When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of
> your life that you'll never get back.
> Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give
> to someone is your time.
> Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love
> is T-I-M-E because the essence of love is not what we think or do or
> provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves .
>
>
These days I've been sleeping really late and thinking thru' alot of things that's been happening in my life. It seems like fear tends to govern so many of the decisions I make in life: fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of poverty, fear of loneliness, fear of joblessness, fear of not being 'actualized' in life...whatever that means. Fear of being stuck in a city I feel at odds with so much of the time, fear of being judged by other people, fear of speaking my mind, fear of putting my money where my mouth is because I'm afraid that I might not be able to deal with the consequences of my decisions.
I wish I could find the freedom from fear and live my life in a way that brings peace and hope to myself and to those around me. But I struggle as well with being true to myself - my innermost desires and passions... the one thing that I've wanted to accomplish for so long...
Fear of regrets. That's one thing... i fear, the fear of regrets. I'd hate to imagine myself somewhere down the line in the future, perhaps being a mother with two kids and settled in Singapore or in some other country always having that question in my mind, 'what if I had the guts and pursued music?'
I think I would rather have tried and failed, so then I would know, and there would not be all these unanswered questions in my mind.
Some people say, 'Life can only be understood backwards,' but I feel that life, is really, quite a mystery. I look at the events in my life that brought me here to where I am today and I'm still frankly, quite puzzled. My heart and my mind are in conflict all the time these days. There are a million and one things I want to do, pursue music, change the world, work for the poor in Africa, shoot my own video, visit more parts of Southeast Asia, be a freelance photographer and writer... but there are all these other thoughts that come in too, coz' of monetary concerns, i.e. why not be a banker? why not settle for job security? Why not just take the safer path and persue a pHd? why not.... etc etc etc....
What the head says and what the heart does are two completely different things.
The day I can get my heart to move in unison all the time with my mind, is the day i cease to be human.
The speaker at the Saturday Evening Service said, 'Don't listen to the pop psychology that tells you, "follow your heart"! Listen to the holy spirit, that still small voice inside of you.'
And so ... I listen now. ... and what do i find? A troubling, disturbing, uncomfortable, feeling that there is some unfinished business that I haven't attended to for ages; a little something that I've been putting off for too long:
Since I graduated from ACJC, I went on a missions trip to Korat, Thailand. There were about two months of preparation before I left for the the town, in which I was meant to stay for two months.
The missions preparation, I felt, was abit stifling, I simply did not enjoy the long hours and heavy schedule of seminars and workshops. Furthermore, I felt that I could not really relate to the people in the team on a deeper level than through Christian jargon and 'shared spiritual exchanges' for lack of a better words. Even then I did not feel like I was truly connecting.
However, when I finally got to Korat, Thailand, it was like, I was living in another dimension! I found the people there to be people I could genuinely connect with in spite of the fact that we spoke different languages. I found myself wanting to learn the language. I'd carry around a notebook and my oft repeated phrase then was, 'how do you say ( ) in Thai?' So, there I was in Thailand, really soaking up the atmosphere, dying to learn the language and adjusting to the new bed, the masses of mosquitoes and un-airconditioned rooms, and I was, apart from the sleepless nights I had due to the mozzies and unfamiliarity with the bed, having a ball.
That's when I got a call from my mother who was angry with me for going off on a missions trip - some of the companies that I had applied for a scholarship from had called me up for interviews and obviously she was pissed off because I was not in Singapore.
So, predictably, duty-bound by fear and financial responsiblities as I was, I ended up pulling out from the trip and going back for the interviews... in none of which I succeeded in cinching the coveted scholarship. I still remember my 3rd round, and final interview with the PSA, they looked me up and down and said, 'So, what do you want to do with your life?'
I replied, 'Honestly, I really have no idea'
Yeah, that should definitely go into the book for 'How botch your interview'
So, I ended up going to Cornell, learning Thai there, having my studies there abruptly terminated, being enrolled in Southeast Asian Studies in NUS, (coz' of my interest in the Thai language and culture), and doing something related to Thailand every break I have e.g. music missions with CCC, translating for Duang Prateep Foundation, working in jobs that require Thai speaking and reading skills, going for a youth expedition trip to Pattani in Southern Thailand, and visiting my Dad who for reasons entirely unrelated to my interest in Thailand, has moved to Bangkok to retire.
Yeah, I've done all that... I can read and speak Thai now... on my CV, it's right up there with all my education qualifications, under 'language skills.' I have proudly embelllished that section with a good paragraph of my Thai experience and expertise. I'm so proud of being fluent in the language.. but I've never gone back to Korat.
Not since 1999. And now there's an opportunity to go... and i'm not going because my coffers are empty?
Well, I could dip into my savings, but whatever happened to financial discipline and all those other aspirations I had to earn money and support myself without dipping into my savings which i'm carefully hoarding for future music pursuits?
I don't know. But this is the issue, among other thingamajits, that is keeping me up tonight. And so I write...
I received this from William Wee. I read it and found it to be very good so
I want to share it with you.
Love,
Pa
> THE GREATEST ADVICE - Rick Warren, the Purpose Driven Life
>
> Don't date because you are desperate.
> Don't marry because you are miserable.
> Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
> Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.
>
> Don't associate with people you can't trust.
> Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
> Don't dictate because you are smarter.
> Don't demand because you are stronger.
>
> Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough & know
> better.
> Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
> Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
> Don't stagnate!
>
> Don't regress.
> Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
> Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr. Right.
> Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr. Wrong because your
> biological clock is ticking.
>
> Learn a new skill.
> Find a new friend.
> Start a new career.
> Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid for
> some of life's more hasty decisions.
>
> To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
> To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
> To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
> Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.
>
> To make yourself happy, pursue your passions & be the best of what
> you can be.
> Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
> Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and
> dangerous liaisons.
> Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.
>
> Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your
> family.
> Be true to yourself.
> Don't commit when you are not ready.
> Don't keep others waiting needlessly.
>
> Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
> Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
> Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.
>
> Write poetry.
> Love Deeply.
> Walk barefoot.
> Dance with wild abandon.
> Cry at the movies.
>
> Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
> You light up your life.
> You drive yourself to your destination.
> No one completes you - except YOU.
>
> It isn't true that life does not get easier with age.
> It only gets more challenging.
> Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
> Pursue your passions.
>
> Live your dreams.
> Don't lose faith in God.
> Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!
>
> When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of
> your life that you'll never get back.
> Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give
> to someone is your time.
> Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love
> is T-I-M-E because the essence of love is not what we think or do or
> provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves .
>
>
Friday, September 22, 2006
Unhappy in Singapore
Why am i unhappy here? Is it because I feel the air is alittle more tepid, alittle more recycled, alittle more suffocating? Why do i feel like i'm running thru' the same things time and again? Why do i feel the same anger, the same fears the same hostility?
Why do I feel so trapped?
Why do I feel so damn bloody trapped.
Maybe because of family, society, politics, mentalities and idealogies that are so hard to break.
Maybe because of the air, that is breathed in and recycled, again and again until there are no more fresh exchanges and nothing left to say.... except to ask 'how much' and to compare salaries and how to change baby nappies.
Why am i unhappy here? Perhaps it's because we live in a climate of fear? Perhaps because living in fear is not truly living?
Why do we toil and struggle and strive and pretend that we're all ok when really, we're not?
Whey do we try and suggest that things are ok when they're not?
Why do we take everything the newspapers, radio and television here tells us and accept it even though we know it's all scripted and planned? Why do we nod, and accept and go on to living our lives, earning our thousands, like mindless drones in a queen bee's nest?
When did we learn to stop feeling, caring, seeing, thinking, perceiving, trusting... when did we learn to switch off our hearts and keep on moving... when did we decide that we could stop living and merely exist?
Why do I feel so trapped?
Why do I feel so damn bloody trapped.
Maybe because of family, society, politics, mentalities and idealogies that are so hard to break.
Maybe because of the air, that is breathed in and recycled, again and again until there are no more fresh exchanges and nothing left to say.... except to ask 'how much' and to compare salaries and how to change baby nappies.
Why am i unhappy here? Perhaps it's because we live in a climate of fear? Perhaps because living in fear is not truly living?
Why do we toil and struggle and strive and pretend that we're all ok when really, we're not?
Whey do we try and suggest that things are ok when they're not?
Why do we take everything the newspapers, radio and television here tells us and accept it even though we know it's all scripted and planned? Why do we nod, and accept and go on to living our lives, earning our thousands, like mindless drones in a queen bee's nest?
When did we learn to stop feeling, caring, seeing, thinking, perceiving, trusting... when did we learn to switch off our hearts and keep on moving... when did we decide that we could stop living and merely exist?
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