secret place

Ok... so i just discovered that I spelt 'fascist' wrongly.... i should never have started my new blog at 12am in the morning.... I contemplate abandoning this blog completely, and starting a new one from scratch... n giving it a new title like 'greenandpink' or 'greendream' or something nicely themed. But what the heck... 'FACIST MALADY' (FaaR-CHIST MaLaRdee) is here to stay. Maybe i'll never let anyone in on this site. Maybe let it be privy to me and me alone.

Hence the title for today's post 'Secret Place.'

I'm going thru' an escapist theme. I'm not sure why exactly ... i think it's to do with boys. Yeah. Wish i didn't feel this way but unfortunately I do. Ok... so it's like that. I miss this person that I was close to for a while - he hasn't written for a while now and I think of him loads. At the same time, there's this other person that i think i'm starting to fall in love with. I do not use the word 'love' liberally here. I think I am starting to fall quite in love with this person whom I've been secretly enamoured off for years now. Ever since youth.

Guess time will tell if its meant to work out or not. I've never been very pro-active when it comes to matters of the heart. Sure, I've been pro-reactive, pro-sensitive, pro-amatuerish. But definitely never pro-active. It's amazing though how these thoughts can fill your mind. I find myself wishing at times i could just call someone to talk... my ex for example. Although i know for certain that it will not be good.

I wrote this music piece on a computer program today. It's so fukin cool! I mean the program for writing music... the things that you can do with it. Makes me feel excited thinking about it.

I feel scared about what's going to happen after I graduate. Ok, so i know it's a way away... in a years time. But still....I so want to pack up and leave this crowded, hot and dreary country for good. Maybe go study abroad somewhere... the US, Canada.... France? Somewhere with four seasons - somewhere where I can feel myself think ... somewhere where I can look for miles without running into uniform concrete blocks. Much less live in one.

But what if i don't get a scholarship to study abroad? What shall I do? Maybe I'll just set aside two years just to learn music good. Two years. But how will I do it in This place? Can't imagine how it'll be like - the only dreamer around chasing her pipedream. But 'tis not a pipedream. Not really... at any rate.

Writing and making music. If there was just two things I could choose out of all the lofty and grand visions that people have... it would be these two things. I don't even think it'd matter much if people really liked my stuff. As long as I liked it... I wouldn't care. Of course the bread n butter issues would have to be taken care of....but i guess that will have to work itself out...or something.

music
writing
language
people