Almost there

You know the feeling. You're almost there, but not quite. Things are almost perfect, but you're waiting for the shoe to drop. The cup is half full. But also half empty.

Life's good.

But the sad part is that the people who should matter most to you do not constitute any part of this joy or happiness. In fact, they're the ones that give you the most grief. And you realize, you don't want them to be a part of your life anymore because it just hurts too much. It's a crumbling aching feeling that you can do nothing about. It's a fucked up, bitter feeling... like a rancid, septic welt that cannot heal, no matter what you do.

In the bible it says that there's a time for love and a time to hate. A time to embrace and a time to refrain. Forgiveness will come when the time for it comes, but for now, I think the first person i need to forgive, is really, just myself. A good friend told me this, that before you can forgive others, you need to be able to forgive yourself. I need space and time to understand what it means to truly forgive myself and to let go of the past. I need time and space to get away from all that's hurting me - the people that make me feel bad. I need to forgive myself for being human.

I'm moving out soon - looking forward to a fresh beginning and further growth spiritually, emotionally and mentally.

I'm almost there. I'll get there soon. I know.

river

surf and foam
this is a journey i'll walk alone
the pleasure
is yours to take
and mine to give
what words can i use
to break my silent fall

my silent fall
into you
into you
into you

make me bold
so i can know
and let you hold
the person that cries out
inside

to be loved
to be held
to be known
to be understood
to be touched
to be caressed

to know and be known
by you alone

free me before i go

if you knew
how easily my heart could give
if you knew
how quickly my thoughts can change
if you knew
how much i long to tell you

this

i'm not yours to keep
my heart is an ocean
and i'm longing for

again

the words to say
to you
to tell you
the one thing that I find it hard to say

The one thing that burdens me today
free me
or i will never be free
Love me
and let me go
but please know

You are in my heart always.

MAARRRRG!!

I hate exams. Me jus wanna chill and poke around.

wo shi shui?

wo shi shui?
wo shi shui?
wo wei shen me
bu neng jiang hua yui hao
wo shi shui
wo shi shui?
wo na li ke yi suan shi
hua ren ne?
wo shi shui?
wo shi shui?
nar yi ke yan yu pei wo hao?
ying yu
hai shi
hua yu
tai kou yu
hai shi
fa gou yu
wo shi shui?
wo da di shi shui?

My Heart Will Trust

Even when the tides
are against me
when the winds
buffet against the sails of my soul
and I am left
breathless
cold,
huddled in damp sweat

glistening in the chill, alone
in the choppy sea

When you tell me
to walk
I will
When you tell me
to stop
I will
When you tell me nothing
Lord
I will wait on you

When the distant stars have faded
When the world is in it's final
throes
When the heavens are agape and
trembling
When all that travels the earth
is lurid dustballs
and roaches that scuttle to and fro

When all I have ever known and come to love
has come and gone to pass
When faces and places
are distant memories
When the earth is
a cold, dead place
Lord.

My soul will find its rest in you.

Touche

Make me a Frenchman
or a dreamboat from Spain
Youthful advances shalt not
be restrained
When I sit alone and
Think for a while
thoughts dissapate
where questions used to prowl
Make me a gentleman
or a rake from
the States
I have no need of Charm
to beguile
When my thoughts are
with you, when my words
are few,
When all that
enters sits on the sill
longing for the
day that I can
meet with you.

Cult Classic?

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few. But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky. Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

A Beautiful Irony

Met up with my classmates for lunch today. I-jean, Alvin and Auds were there. Auds was teasing Alvin over alledgedly having a new gf. But he was being secretive and evasive about it. We lunched for about an hour or so... for a significant part of it, Audrey was quarrelling with her boyfriend over the phone and trying to get him to book tickets for tomorrow's opening of Harry Potter... he was not cooperating so she ended up saying ,'eh, don't be a fucker lah you' ... apparently according to her, 'fucker' is a term of endearment between them. She was complaining about how her bf. is like a tape-recorder ... i'm thinking to myself, they sound like an old married couple who can't stand each other!!!! And they're not even married yet.

Anyways, I guess people all have very different ideas about relationships. My relationship with Alvin wasn't the most harmonious and loving relationship either...

As we parted ways, Alvin went to the bus-stop with me to wait for the feeder bus. He's still as rude as ever and i ended up whacking him with my book. But at the bus-stop I said, 'So? Do you have a new Girlfriend?' he hedged for awhile, and then replied cheekily, 'i have alot of girlfriends'

Then, I say, 'Oh c'mon, you can tell me'

Then he says, 'Yeah, I got a new girlfriend'

'What's her name?

Alvin looks embarrassed.

'is it the girl I saw you with that time in Holland V?'

'No that was my colleague'

'So what's her name?'

'You know her ....'

'Hui Hui?'

'Yeah...'

'I knew it! Even when we were goin out I knew it!!!'(triumphantly)

(Hui Hui was his coursemate in University. She used to hang out with his gang in Uni. When i was going out with Alvin, she was the only girl I'd ever get unreasonably jealous and insecure about. It was just a gut feeling I couldn't explain, but I felt she and Alvin were much better suited than I was with him ... =) And I guess I was right!)

The rest of our dialogue follows, for a couple more seconds before my bus arrives.

'No...Lah, last time never'

'Oh.. no, I knew that you weren't goin to act on it ... but I knew you guys were suited la...... '

'Last time it would never have happpened la.. coz' she wasn't a christian wat'

'Oh, she's christian now?'

'Yes, of course, definitely'

'Cool! So are you happy then?'

'Yah'

'That's cool, I'm glad for you'

And my bus comes... and I board the bus, beep my card, turn around to wave at Alvin, who's still smiling his big smile back at me- the big smile that he would flash me whenever I'd turn around from my table to look at him when were were classmates in Junior College. When he was still 'Alvin Airhead' to me and I was still 'Dee- BRa' to him....

It's such a beautiful irony, to know that I was right all along about him and Hui Hui... I'm glad for him... yet, there's another part of me that feels sad and tender. It's a final goodbye to any illusions about a youthful romance that I had once cherished. It's a bittersweet feelin.

But I'm glad. Coz' I know that they are so much happier together than Alvin and I ever were or ever could be.

And as for me... oh well.... perhaps one day i'll find my prince. If not, i'll keep a cat.

=)

Life is always throwing curveballs at us. But... mercy! for for beautiful ironies like these!

Thank God.

Malay Lesson

I had the benefit of malay language tips from a friend today.

Ah Macham - Hi, How are you?

Pergi Mana? - Where you going?

Buat apa? - Do what?

Minum apa? - Drink what?

apa kau jakap? - What are you talking about?

penat sey - Tired la

ngan tuk sey - sleep la

We were shopping around in Cold Storage today. And guess what, we saw racist tea. Yeah.. truly, =) guess what the brand was?

'Ahmad Tea'

I told him i would buy it for him this Christmas.

keke. =)

Life gets more interesting everyday. I feel like flying over to Seattle to visit my brother. I just can't take it anymore. Just want to be there.

Quiet Heart

Shatter-post
fall agape
strip in naked
fall upon me
spirit

I know nothing
assume much
beg for all
hope for nothing

just fall into me and
grant me a quiet heart

I pray

grant me a quiet heart

Quiz

I've done similar quizzes to this before. This one I found on Vincent's site is surprising accurate/illuminating ... at least for this stage of my life i'm going thru'. Try it

http://quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx


Get to know yourself better
Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.
How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You like privacy very much because you enjoy spending time with your own thoughts. You like to disappear when you cannot find solutions to your own problems, but you would feel better if you learned to share your thoughts with a person you trust.

feel

i want to feel again
i want to touch again
i want to know again
what it feels like to be loved

i want to feel again
i want to come alive again
i want to know again
what it feels like to truly hurt

i want to love again
i want to be honest again
i want to trust again
And enter into the heart of God

If Time were a seedless lament

If time was a seedless lament
And you were a friend -
If I could put my heart into your hands
And know that you’d be gentle with it

What would we be?

If love were a weed
That grew by an abandoned, dusty road
Unacknowledged, un-witnessed
Unseen...

Where would our love grow?

If hope were a reason for knowing

Would you tell me the secrets of your heart?
Would you let me in and let the angst depart?

Trust is broken, breached, whipped and hurt.
Love is touched, held under jury
Winged eternal, subject to
The hail and fury
Of flawed creatures – you and me

If love was a story
What would yours be?

You make me laugh Tofu!

You make me laugh
so much, so hard, so specially...

in the way that only you can

I read your letter today

and I laughed. More than I've laughed this entire day

If I could pack you in a bag and carry you everywhere

I go.

I'd pack you tofu.

A box of tofu laughs.

I still miss you

What words are there left to say
when thoughts that filter into my mind
are memories
words you said to me
memories of you

the you that remains
in me.
After your passing

This grief is rebirthing in me
something
I never knew I had in me

The you that remains
in me.

Not angry anymore

Not angry anymore
but more like in a conundrum
how do i get out of this mess i created???

pooks.

Proof Reading

I'm proof reading
my words
the script that i wrote

Does my character ring true
to the person that I play?

I'm proof reading
my thoughts
my honest; spontaneous thoughts

Do my words ring true
to the feelings I portray

I'm proof reading
my heart
my honest, random heart
and asking myself

If there's a part of it that's gotten dark

I'm proof reading
the script
that i wrote for myself

And i realize that
it was written for someone else

On Love

Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razer
that leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winterfar beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose


'The Rose' - Bette Midler


I heard this song being sung by a girl at a cafe. I love the lyrics - just speaks to me so much.

In Panama City Beach, I once saw an old couple just walking hand in hand along the shore in the light of the setting sun.

A British friend i met in UBC told me that her parents are still madly in love with each other even after all these years and that they take 'dirty holidays' together.

I love how the relationship between Anne and Gilbert develops in 'Anne of Green Gables.' It took a while for them to fall in love. Especialy on Anne's side. =) Gilbert had always fancied her even when they were kids in school, although he really pissed her off when he called her 'carrot tops'; he tried to make it up by giving her a sugarheart that said 'you're sweet' which Anne proceeded to crush soundly underfoot upon receiving it. But one day he saved her when she was stuck on a sinking raft floating down the river - that was the start of their friendship - which eventually blossomed into love.

At the risk of sounding like a cheeseball, is there such a thing as 'a true love'? I'd like to believe so.

Yes i do. There's no fixed time frame to meet the right person. I think we should take our time. And have lots of fun in the meantime!


Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose


I wait for spring. and the sun's soft rays to awaken me.

the past

I went running today. And took another route, other the the usual canal, Ghimo, Commonwealth and Clementi rd route. I ran up Buona Vista... on the way back home down holland road. I was passing Coronation Rd West.
I just had to run down that road.

As i did, something broke within me.

So much attachment to that place! So much meaning is embued within those streets. in the neighborhood i grew up in.

I walked back to Jalan Ampang. My whole body was heaving with sobs. The past was indelibly gone. Yet it lingers on in my mind - in me. I walked past 33 Jalan Ampang. I glanced at it and cried. And cried and cried.. and walked on. just kept on walking down the hill... turned left down lim Tai see and was going to the playground or back to Sunset way.

My home.

so familiar - so far, so near, lost ...

I was overcome by my emotions. And had to stop for a while by the green railing along Lim Tai See. A voice told me, "Deb, you need to go back. Go back and have a good look at 33 Jalan Ampang. Deb, the past is no more - it's gone. And you need to let go of it in order to move on. You need to let go of it all... to live in the now. To live in the present."

I went back. just stood there for a good 10 minutes, and cried my heart out. I've been dreaming of home for the longest time now... in my dreams, i'm sitting at the table in 33 Jalan Ampang with my brother and my family... the sunlight lights up the room.

Now 33 Jalan Ampang is a 3 story edifice - very LA looking... complete with a louvered rooftop and a basement for 3 or 4 cars. As i stood there looking, another car drove in and an American man came out with someone else. I couldn't see clearly... he same something, it was quite indistinct, but i caught the words, 'it's like you're living in 3 realities at once'. How true.

I remember when I was 9, when i had just got back from school and was still in my Nanyang uniform, the doorbell rang. I went out and was greeted by a middle-aged caucasian couple. They introduced themselves and said that they were the previous owners of this place. They asked if my parents were home, but no one except me was in, so they just took a picture of me behind the gate, (with my permission), thanked me and then left.

A couple of weeks later, we received a letter from the couple, who introduced themselves to us and who also enclosed that picture of me behind the gate and other older photos of 33 Jalan Ampang and the neighborhood before we moved in. In those photos, there was no housing opposite of 33 Jalan Ampang, just empty grassland. My mother was abit shocked that they had taken the photo of me, she felt that it was quite dangerous that I let them take the photo of me. Haha.

Anyways, that just reminded me of myself. OF the 9 year old Nanyang girl. Of the adult me now that came back, needed to come back to revisit the house. I thought to myself, 'well, now, who am i?'

I am the girl that walked up this hill almost everyday as a child,
I am the girl that likes the color green,
I am the girl that had her first boyfriend at 16,
I'm the girl that's crying now, revisiting this old place in her heart.

Most of the memories associated with Jalan Ampang are penciled with grief and angst and a general sense of loss and abandonment. But it's still meaningful to me. It is precious - somehow ...still.

Nostalgia is said to be a grammer lesson where you find the past perfect and the present tense.

The past for me was far from perfect.

I say that nostalgia is a longing for a place where we can belong. A place that no one can ever find on earth. It's a longing for Home.

Loneliness

I'm feeling lonely

it's a loneliness that won't go away
even when I'm with a friend

it's a loneliness

that can only be assuaged

when I lose myself in books,
music
dreaming
thoughts...

it's a loneliness that comes and goes
the tides.. of caring and not caring. Is there anything more constant?

It's a loneliness that has found it's way into my heart
and is here to stay

it's a loneliness that makes me want to
write
and think

and then write somemore.

Do you know that feeling?

I want to fall in love.

But I can't

Slap

Slap a face
slap my face
slap my thigh
slap your thigh

in laughter

slap me
make me wake up
make me wake up


Am I dreaming
am i Dreaming
AM I DREAMING????????

I reaching out for something more
searching for something deeper
hoping for something more

What is this?
Where are you?
How can I find you?

Slap me so I wake up

Wake up

and find you next to me.

Something about Melayu

Today I watched 'Something about Melayu' with Angie, Tham, Clem, and Jimmy. It was really good. They covered so many issues about being malay in Singapore. There were a great number of scenes that just killed me with the funniness! Like the Malay Taxi driver, the subconsciously gay malay guy. I can't describe it, i wouldn't do justice to it.

The delivery was amazing. There was this scene where the Mother was talking about her frustrations with her daughther and her useless drunk of a husband, and there was so much emotion, i mean, real emotion, in her voice. I didn't have to look at her, I could just listen.. it was like really listening to someone sharing her troubles with me: for awhile, the stage disappeared and I was right there with the angst-ridden and tired mother, listening to her pour out her heart.

I really wish i understood malay, then i would get the jokes and other parts of the play so much better.

This is probably the best play i've seen in ages...so far there's been nothing quite as genuine, honest, bitingly funny and as refreshing as this play. I guess coz' the actors were working with what they knew, rather than re-enacting some play written by some big-name angmoh playwright from somewhere like America or the UK.

I liked the penultimate line in the play, it went something like, 'you thought this play would be about malays, but actually, it's about Man, who just happens to be Malay.'

So true.

Goodbyes are never easy

When you go
don't you know
a piece of my heart goes with you

When you say goodbye
don't you know
my mouth says 'see ya'
but my heart says.. 'please, don't go'

When you turn around
and wave before walking away
I know that
someone special is leaving me.

I'll see you soon,
in less than 8 years
I hope! =)

Brother

Did you know I care for you?
Did you know that it makes me sad to hear you're sad?

Today your heart is bleeding
Today your head is aching
with painful thoughts of what could have been
what is, and what it should be
what is lacking.

But tomorrow
you'll feel better
just let this moment pass

Life will get better soon
Trust me
Just let it ride
I know how you feel

I know how you think that it's never going to get

any better

But it will

Coz' i'm here today.

And i know it's so.

Birthday schtick

Your Birthdate: November 11

Your birth on the 11th day of the month makes you something of a dreamer and an idealist. You work well with people because you know how to use persuasion rather than force. There is a strong spiritual side to your nature, and you may have intuitive qualities inherent in your make up, too. You are very aware and sensitive, though often temperamental. Although you have a good mind and you are very analytical, you may not be comfortable in the business world. You are definitely creative and this influence tends to make you more of a dreamer than a doer.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

morning

i'm easing into the morning
the birds are chirping
i'm eating my papaya
and dreaming of popiah

did i tell you i love mornings?
when the sunlight streams into our rooms
and the temperature isn't too hot?

If an entire day had to consist of
just a couple of hours
I'd choose mornings

with the beautiful sunshine
that guides my heart

in these blessed hours.

Dinner

I had dinner with Dad today. He told me that when I move out, my mom will call me alot. And i flippantly said, 'I'll change my number', half-meaning it almost. And he said, 'Don't be like that lah, be good to mom even when you've moved out'

And then he went on to say... 'another thing, don't blame mom for the divorce, i'm also to blame. When I was younger and married mom, I didn't know how to treat her to make her feel secure. If i had the wisdom that I have now, I still would have married mom, and the marriage would have worked. She's a fine woman, and I enjoyed the time i spent with her.'

'A fine woman'

Tell me what a fine woman is
Is she someone who supplicates
pleases, bends?

Is she someone who would cleave to
a man?
Is she someone who blends, chops, stews, purees?
Like the kitchen-aid helpers
they used to sell on commercial TV?

What is a fine woman?
is she someone refined?
who does not say 'FUCK IT!!!!' even when she's in despair
and ready to pull out her hair?

What is acceptable?
For her to work, and clean and bear little
cookie-cutter images of herself and the man?

What is a fine woman?
Is she like wine? Does she grow more beautiful and full-bodied
with the passage of time
or does she turn sour and old and ready to be thrown out
with the trash?

I just want to be me
Can't you see
It's all a masquerade

I just want to be who
i am.
Not a girlfriend,
not a wife,
not a mother...

not a citizen,
not a student,
not a teacher,
not a christian,

I just want to be me.

Not a fine woman.

Escape

This song has been running thru' my head and been on repeat for two days.. and counting!!!!!! I love Pina Coladas!!!


Escape (The Pina Colada Song)

(Rupert Holmes)

I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long.
Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song.
So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed.
And in the personals column, there was this letter I read:

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me, and escape."

I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean.
But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine.
So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad.
And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half-bad.

"Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape.
At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape."

So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place.
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face.
It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you."
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew"..

"That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."

Searching

She wakes in the shadows of a setting sun
alone again
Her thoughts drift of
to happenings
10 years earlier

Why does it seem like a dream
why does it seem like everything is a haze these days?

No matter,
where's that bit of hash
she'd taken from George the day before?

'I've got to do the laundry'
she thinks to herself
as she stumbles among the pile of broadshorts covered with sand
and dried up surf

searching for the light and paper and grass
that will
put her back

to where she wants to be.

Pain

Why do i feel this constant pain in my heart?
When will it ever go away?
Why do i wish to see you?
Should i wake the dead? Is it profane?
When will i ever know?

Why does your passing remind me of childhood
My lost and cherished years
an eternal space that is lost to me
forever it seems

and where can i find the answers?
When my heart feels so numb and heavy?
What desire is there in me?
I've lost my first love

Why is there this pain in my heart
When will it ever go away?

not guilty

I plead not guilty
to every single thing you
accuse me of

So sue me!
I will not be affected
by your condemnations

What's true
What's not
What's right
what's wrong

I've got a friend
and he loves another man.
Is there a problem with that?

I love him too
And I cannot say any longer

What's wrong or what's right
coz' I know the heart wants to
find an answer
and the answer is
sometimes just the warmth
of another body at night.

I shall not want

I shall not want
when you lead me
down that quiet narrow road

I shall not want
when I see your face
and know you're here beside me

I shall not want
when i feel the peace
that so readily eludes me

I shall not want
when I'm left wanting
not for anything else
but more of you.

On friendship - Kahlil Gibran

Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.


When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.


And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.


Reading the above really speaks to me. Especially these lines, 'And let your best be for your friend.If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.', and 'And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.' and 'And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.'
It's truly the little things man...like polka dots and things associated with them... haha... these past few weeks i've been meeting up with old friends. And i realize... friends are so darn important! It's been a real comfort and joy to be with them even in the midst of loss. My friends have been with me through both grief and joy... and that's an amazing feeling. it changes me.

Uncle Keeyong's Wake

DO NOT STAND AT MY GRAVE AND WEEP

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!

Mary Frye (1932)

Uncle Keeyong had asked that this poem should be read at his wake. I see him in my mind's eye along with all the images that this poem invokes... and I will remember him the next time I catch a glimpse of beauty.

I still can't help but cry alittle. If only for the fact that I will never see him in person again. However, I feel really comforted that he's with God now - words can never explain how much the reassurance and confirmation I got tonight at the wake(that he is safe with Jesus) has done for me. I feel that even in Uncle K's death, I've been brought closer to the love of God.

Today, during his wake, so many people shared about his generousity, his humour, his love for poetry and words, his idealism, his deliberately unruly mannerisms that were intended to, and did, shock many people.

Above all, what we remember about him is his love for people. He loved us and many other people from all different walks of life very well... as his good friend Kim Joo put it, 'How many of you have your hawkers come to visit you in the hospital?'

Looking at his life makes me want to cherish the people I love better - makes me want to be more generous with my money, makes me want to be friends with all kinds of different people, makes me want to read and spend more time in quiet meditation
... makes me want to be more real.

As the Pastor at tonight's wake who shared with me the verse from Matthew 7:21-23 says, 'it's the action (that counts).'

Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'








Thank you God for answering my prayers for Uncle K.

My first Earthquake ever

I was lying in Satomi's room today, reading Ernest Hemingway's 'across the river and into the trees' when I felt these really strong vibrations coming from the ceiling above. At first I thought the neighbors upstairs were doing some serious jumping around/having really intense skipping sessions... then the shaking came from below as well... for a good 10 seconds the shaking continued and then i realized that it was an earthquake!

Apparently, Japan has about 1000 earthquakes a year.. some of them too small to be discerned. Today's earthquake was 5.2 on the richter scale. The train system has stopped due to the earthquake and Satomi's brother is stuck on the Westside of Tokyo.

Satomi told me that if the earthquake was about 6 or 7 on the richter scale, there would be Tsunamis and all the buildings in the area would be destroyed by the waves or the earthquake - Shiba is next to the ocean.

Anyway, Satomi told me all this on our walk to the beach today, an hour or two after the earthquake. It's a good thing we decided to stay at home and rest today, otherwise we would still be stuck in tokyo at 10pm.

The beach was really lovely. The sky seemed alot bigger than any other sky I've seen in a long time. We walked right out on the pier.. it was about 700 metres out into the sea... on the right hand side the sun illuminated the sky and the sea and the water was calm... birds flew close to the water surface. Immediately on the right hand side of the pier, the water was dark and choppy while the sky was cloudy and overcast. It was such a contrast... almost as if we were in two different places at the same time with the pier acting as a boundary between the two places with such disparate scenarios.

The weather was really cool and there was a bracing breeze. I felt really happy and relaxed and found myself wishing that I lived somewhere more quiet and peaceful, like Shiba. As we walked back along the pier and saw some old men bringing in their nets and their catch for the day, I felt really lucky. I felt lucky to be able to stay with Satomi and catch a real glimpse of Japanese life in her family and in the neighborhood in which she lives.

Harajuku and Enoki mushrooms wrapped in Bacon

Finally visited the famed Harajuku today.. and I can see why people make such a big fuss of it. Really big, fancy brand name boutiques next to bohemian cafes and indepedent kitsch fashion stores... there's alot of scope for imagination here and lots or opportunity for the creative juices to flow.
I took a picture of a single house along a strip of clothes stores. It just seemed so unique and incongruous among all the funky, jazzed up clothes stores around the area. Satomi and I headed to a sidewalk cafe later on and had the most scumptious cakes and watched the fashionable crowds pass us by.

By the time we had our fill of flipping through Vogue and Elle in the cafe and watching the world go by... it was already 5pm and we began to walk back to the train station to take the JR train back to Kemigawa Hama. It takes about an hour to get back from Tokyo.

Satomi's mom made the most yummy dinner tonight. She made Enoki mushrooms wrapped in Bacon, I had these in a Japanese Yakitori Bar in NYC and was raving about them to Satomi, so she suggested them when her mom asked her what she should cook for dinner. They were absolutely delectable; Satomi's mom also made these Gyoza with Shiso leaf inside and ... I'm quite certain I have never enjoyed any Gyozas better than those I had tonight.

So... as you can see, I'm getting very well fed here in Japan. But I'm not going to put on weight... coz' I went running today... haha... i explored around the area and I think japanese people have really learnt how to make the best of limited space. The phrase that would sum up how they have done this is ... 'small is beautiful'. From small plates, saucers and cups, to box like cars and Tiny gardens with beautifully manicured trees and compact but aesthetically pleasing homes.. Japan really does epitomize that phrase : 'small is beautiful' in more ways than one.

In Japan and pissed off about nasty neighbors in SG

I'm now using the computer in Sophia University or Jiu Tchi Dai Gaku, as they call it. It's been great staying with Satomi in Shiba. I love her room.. it's really quiet where she stays and I've been able to get more sleep and get over the jet-lag and sleepless nights that have been plauging me since NYC.

I went to Shibuya today and to be honest, i don't really like it. Too crowded and commercialized for my liking. But I guess that's Tokyo for you. I like the area around here better, it seems more laid back and much less crowded.

I'm feeling quite pissed off - I just got this email from my mom that my neighbors complained that our family had been a source of noise pollution for a long time eversince we moved in. What bullshit! Our next door neighbors have been a nasty source of air pollution since even before we moved in... they keep on burning their incense papers and stinking up all the other apartments in the vicinity. It's against HDB rulings to do that and they continually do it, regardless of the fact that the smoke permeates into other peoples houses and stinks up the place.

Ok, so granted, I played the guitar at 6am one morning... but so what.. .it's not like I do that all the time. In fact, I almost never do it! To be honest, I really dislike my neighbors. Makes my blood boil just to think of how mean and inconsiderate they have been in regards to their burning of incense papers and how intolerant they are over alittle bit of morning noise.

Also, I don't get why the HDB hasn't taken more serious measures against them because I have complained several times but it doesn't seem like anything is being done to ensure that they stop burning incense paper along the corridor. Seems like there's some kind of double standard going on here.

Grrr...

Last few days in NYC

Yesterday Mich, Natascha and I went to watch 'Me, you and everyone we know.' It was a great movie with some really enduring parts. I liked the soundtrack better though. The movie was at West 4th Station, next to Greenwich village.
There was a basketball tournament going on in the courts opposite the theatre and as Natascha and I arrived early we stood on the outside and watched. It was great fun...all of the people on the team were black and really tall, save for this one white boy that was a good half head shorter than most of the people on the team.
Anyway, it was the grey against the black team and the grey team won by a score of 108 to 105. Both teams were really good, but the grey team kept getting these free throws for some reason. I reckon that's how they won.
I noticed that all of them were sponsored by Nike - I read in 'No Logo' that that's how Nike promotes it's image of 'cool', going to the streets, the common people and identifying what moves them and then leaving their imprint (the sponsored outfits) on them.
After the movie, we went for a drink at a cafe further down the road. It's called Cafe Reggio. Really cute little cafe with an old proprietor who is quite a character. There were a bunch of old men outside the cafe (and one 30'40ish black man sitting with them) One of the middle-aged men was playing his guitar... he did alot of cool numbers like, 'With a little help from my friends'
and other Beatles hits. I asked him if he could play any Paul Simon songs and he obliged by playing 'Me and Julio' and 'Mrs Robinson'. It was pretty cool, we were all singing along.
Natascha kept on egging me on to play and she told them that I could play and sing, so they started pressuring me to play too. And I obliged them.
I did the usual, like 'High and dry', 'Big Yellow Taxi' and 'I don't know how to love him' - the old man who played the guitar was like a walking dictionary of lyrics, he knew the lyrics to all the songs he played and all the songs I played to a fault, except 'High and dry' - the black man knew the lyrics to the chorus of 'High and dry' though.
Anyway, before we left, the old man played 'Sound of Silence' as a finale and goodbye. It was beautiful.
I'll miss New York.

Jersey

Just got back to NYC from New Jersey. Spent a day there with Michelle and her family. It was quite good. Being there and seeing her with her family just kinda reminded me of being in Vancouver and hanging out with my relatives there. It's such a F-A-M-I-L-Y feeling... and it's actually really nice.

Her brother Marvin, is a real sweetie too.. And her boyfriend, Paul... super nice. Actually picked me up from NYC and drove me all the way there. Too good.

Today

Dear God,
help me to walk in your way
help me to dream your dreams
and listen to you

If you whisper words of wisdom in my inner ear
will I listen Lord?
Help me to

Years go by
And I've been looking for someone who understands

My old friend.
You and I... we've known each other for so long...

It's time for you and I to get reaqquainted.
Father, take me on this journey.

I want to know you again

Crushin'

I'm crushin' on ya'
did you know
I'm crushin' on ya but you're crushin on him
I don't mind so much
hangin out with ya
is enough fer me

I'm crushin on ya
how silly is that
I'm crushin on ya'
don't tell me not to do that

I'm crushin on ya
maybe coz' we sleep together
but never make love?

I'm crushin on ya
and i'm lovin you.

East Village

Right now I'm staying at Gono's.. in East Village. It was his first day of work today and he looked really smart in his shirt and tie and suitcase. Hahah.... had a fleeting impression of what it could possibly feel like to be married and see one's husband going to work in the morning while you're still half-asleep in bed.

Anyways, the apartment felt pretty empty after he left and then I found myself thinking, 'hmm...i definitely want to work and not be a Tai tai' Yesterday night Gono and I had a very interesting discussion on Investment firms, Enron and outsourcing. The financial world really seems like a separate universe. It's all so intangible, like just numbers and knowledge and connections and politics, but yet it has so much repercussions and influence on people all over the world. Pretty mind boggling.

Finally going to meet up with Natascha today. Yesterday I was supposed to catch the 4th of July fireworks with her and her friends but she was so late in calling me I gave up waiting and went out with Kelvin Neu and his friends instead. It was lovely. THe fireworks! There were smiley faces and falling stardust. Fireworks bring back so many good memories. .. like the time I was in UK with Rach and joining in the festivities for the Queens Birthday, or the time in Phuket I caught New Years with almost stranger, mostly friend Khit then, also the time in Vancouver when me, Leonard, Heiks, Ian and some others were setting off fireworks on our own! And also on my 24th B-day when Leonard called and asked me to look out of the window- fireworks! I'm going to write a song titled just that.

dreams and lost luggages

I'm in Boston now. Today has been an eventful day. I finally got to catch a possible path towards fufilling my dream of writing music and being able to master the guitar and drums.

Esther and I went to visit the Berklee School of music today. I checked the requirements for entry: two years of formal instruction in music and some basic theory knowledge. Apparently the two years in formal instruction can be substituted by self-learning as long as you get a recommendation from someone like, your music teacher, your band member, or maybe even your recording company.

Berklee seems like an awesome place to study at. The cool part is that it was founded in the 40s by a Jazz Musician so alot of the fundamental theory they teach is jazz-based. It's the only school in the world that offers contemporary music on the scale that they do. You can play hand percussion, the electric guitar etc. and still get a degree in Music production, Songwriting, Composing, Music theraphy, Music Business.

I know I sound like a running ad for the school, but, man... I'm really thinking of trying out for this maybe a year or so after I graduate. It will be doing yet another undergraduate degree, another four years and a huge sum of money but since i never got to finish with Cornell (and get a proper abroad education, so to speak) why not do this? why not persue my dream?

well, I guess there's still some time to figure it out. I've got another year more till I FINALLY graduate.

For now... it's just the holiday in NYC and Japan... and learning how to manage without my luggage which got lost in transportation.

Club Med, Phuket!

I had the most awesome fun, relaxing, fortifying, soul-restoring, entertaining, overall great time in Club Med, Phuket.

Lots of cute dudes, gourmet cuisine, friendly chill chill atmosphere, and great fun and activities, and lots of lazing by the pool...mmm...

Holiday trip to die for.

My favorite colored of Jingu Sensei's 'Sawatdi' collection 

My Favorite BnW by Jingu Sensei - he told me he felt really awkward when taking this photo...having to sneak up behind a girl... haha.... 

Wonders of Disposable Cameras

Spaceships! by Sensei Jingu... he told me that he had taken this with a disposable camera. He had simply reused the camera, because of its wide angle lens...70mm he told me.... He opened it in his darkroom and put in black and white film. It's good because it's super-wide angle so you can snap away discreetly without anyone the wiser coz' you don't have to look through the lens. Apparently he did it many times too.. whoa! I would have never thought the lenses in disposable cameras could be worth using again!

Resolution

Well, I had some resolution today. For some strange reason, I felt really perturbed about not being able to see Sensei Jingu again and was thinking about it the whole of yesterday. I called him up today and told him I had left my textbook at his place - he mentioned something about an 'email' but I didn't really understand what he was saying and I asked him if I could come by and pick up the book that I had left at his place.

So after work, I went over to pick up the book. And then I asked him for his email address which I had lost. And he said, 'but I sent you an email aleady... so it's ok' So apparently he had sent me an email which I hadn't yet checked.

"....Oooh.. ok..." I said outloud, while musing about what the email could possibly be about.

well, Sensei Jingu said, 'you haven't received it?'

'Umm.. no.. not yet'

'Well, come here...' he motioned as he settled down in front of his computer.

I was treated to a show of his pictures. Black and whites taken in Japan five years ago and a series of colored photos taken in Thailand also about 5/6 years back. For both the colored and black and whites, he asked me which one I liked best. Both featured children. Possibly a coincidence because most of his photos were not of people but of places and things.

He showed me a picture of a building with creepers growing on the side of it, and he said, 'this is wabi sabi also' and I was like, 'oh really, how?' and he explained that another photographer had seen the photo and said that the picture has a beauty or a kind of wabi sabi that only the person that took his photograph would be able to fully appreciate. And I was abit blur... 'so did that photographer also like the photo?' I asked.

He said, 'for example, the picture of the watering can you gave me, it's Wabi Sabi to you... only you can see it, but I can also understand that it is special to you' Yeah... I gave him a set of 8 postcards yesterday at my last lesson. And he liked the black and white photo of the Thai Bus the most. But I felt that the watering can pic conveyed the most wabi sabi. In fact, it was the watering can pictures I took that made me think of the words wabi sabi, which I had heard from long ago but never thought too much about.

He burnt me a CD of all the pictures to keep. I thought he did that coz' he knew that I was coming over to pick up the book. For some reason I thought that he had uploaded the pictures onto the internet and sent me the link through the email.

It's really strange. When I got back and check the email he sent me, I realized that he had already prepared the CD for me even before I came and was waiting for me to call him.

I feel so much better now that I've gone to pick up the book and talk to him again. It's like I've tied up some loose ends.

Jingu Sensei

Errgh. Got a massive sorethroat and am thoroughly sad and depressed. I think it's partly due to the lack of sleep I've had - did not get to bed until 4am yesterday. Must have been because of the Cha Yen or else the fact that I was making postcards till late at night.

Today I had my last lesson with Sensei Jingu. I don't know why I feel so sad about it. But I guess it's coz', everytime I went for lessons at his place, I felt like it was a space away from the hustle, bustle and craziness of life. I felt like I was breathing - breathing in the language and soul of a different culture slowly and surely - with no pressure no rush, but sheer enjoyment and ease. Like a child discovering the world.

And it also helped that Sensei Jingu is a kindred spirit. I haven't used that word for the longest time. But I could really 'connect' with him on a certain level.

He's really different from most people I've met... everything about him speaks of simplicity and a humble life. He lives in a shophouse in a quiet corner of an alleyway. Has six cats, speaks Lingara, has a tiny tiny half-working guitar that he bought off a small shop near his place, teaches Japanese to slum kids in Klong Toei at 4 dollars an hour. He's mild mannered and yet very congenial. Used to take black and whites and wash them in his own darkroom. He told me that he would lose track of time in his darkroom - because he'd be so absorbed with washing the pictures. And when he'd look out of his window, sunlight would stream in through a tiny crack and he'd be so surprised that it was already morning.

He has an entire book of A4 sized black and whites that he took of his wife ten years ago. He knows who Max Roach and Dave Brubeck and Paul Simon are. He went to the music capital in Africa (somewhere in Congo) very often in the past because of his love for African music. He loved soul, jazz, R&B and he discovered that it all came from Africa, so he went there. For the music.

He wanted to set up a music group in Klong Toei, but apparently one of the personnel there does not like him... so he's involved only to the extent of being a teacher.

I accidentally left my Thai-Jap Textbook at his place and I think I will go pick it up at his place. He asked me when I would be free for dinner because his wife and him wanted to host me and Ben (another of his students). I'm not sure, but I think tomorrow the people at work want to bring me out and on the day after too.. so I probably won't be able to make it for dinner with them tomorrow. I feel abit sad though. I would really have loved to have had dinner with them.

I'm going to miss lessons with him!

ps
I realize that the words 'simple' and 'humble' may not be fully appropriate for my description of him: going to Africa, listening to Jazz and taking photos and washing them are neither 'simple' nor 'humble' in conventional terms. But when I talk about 'simple' and 'humble' I describe it more in terms of his mannerism, his aura, his way of talking, his way of describing things. For example, I asked him what 'Wabi Sabi' meant, and he used a haiku to explain it to me: a very simple illustration of a frog jumping into an old pool and making a small splash as it jumped in. And for some reason - I felt this special appreciation/aesthetic pleasure even as he described it. Such a simple illustration. Yet it conveyed so much.

Pleasure

It's been a real busy past few days. My sis came up to visit... we had a good day together .. I brought her to this really cool cafe called 'Agalico' which she had been looking forward to visiting before she came up. Apparently the name 'Agalico' comes from a Sanskrit Buddhist word that means, 'to be alone'. Which our Thai Friend, A , who's really into Buddhism, explained to us.

It's my last week here. I'm wrapping things up here. Or so I believe. And preparing for my trip to NYC. It's been such a strange and yet lovely time here. I still don't understand alot of things that are happening to me, or around me. But, I guess it's all good.

I had a good lunch time conversation with my Japanese Colleagues today. They're all significantly older than me, but today we talked about happiness. And whether or not being rich guarantees happiness. Sensei Abe told me that she's seen so much of the world and has had so much opportunity as compared to the people who live in the slums. But it seems to her that quite a few of the people she knows in the slums are happy with their lives in spite of their relative 'lack' of riches or opportunity. They have an attitude to life, summarized in the Thai words, 'Phoo Yuu Phoo Kin' which means 'Enough to live by, enough to eat.'

I think it boils down to our expectations and learning how to be content in every situation. The same situation can cause us to feel good or bad, depending on the level of our expectations.

Said goodbye to Amy, Art, Sara and Heather today. Had dinner at my place... Khan made dinner for us and it was really yummy. And cosy.

Afterwhich we went to the 'Good Evening' restaurant/pub to listen to Art sing. It was pretty good... we were sharing our tastes in men.... Amy and I both like Jerry Seinfeld and Ben Stiller. Apparently alot of other people don't think they're cute? I don't know, Ben Stiller looks abit like a monkey at times (read: Zoolander) but have you seen him in 'Envy'? With the floppy black hair and blue eyes? mmm..mmm. =) I told them that I used to have the biggest crush on Arnold Schwarzenegger ever since I watched 'Terminator 2' and they were like... 'What??!?!?!' haha. I guess I just really liked the Terminator. His character was so beautiful.

Other cute guys we talked about

1) Edward Furlong in 'Terminator 2'
2) The main character that killed himself in 'Dead Poet's Society'
3) Brad Pitt (no need to elaborate)
4) Edward Norton (for his 'deep' character roles)

Longing

there's something I'm longing for
I don't know what
There's something I'm searching for
I can't remember now
there's something I'm hoping for

my heart weighs me down.

memories and longings
mix, not belonging

I remember the sunshine on your face
looking through the window in my room
I remember the little hill on which we stood
as you told me the story of your youth
the leaves your Grandfather would rake in
and let you jump into

I remember smoking it up
that cold winter night
feeling nothing at first
only to start laughing alittle later
when you came back after basketball

I remember looking out at all of Vancouver
and you coming from behind
to hug me
that was the tenderest hug i've ever had

I remember walking along the streets at 3am.
Because the bus was not in service
and you told me how you used to save time by
running along the route from bus-stop to home
I remember thinking how novel and cool it was
even as I was freezing to death

I'm freezing to death now
in this mortal body
We live only once
and now it seems

I'm freezing to death

WAsh

Cover me
in your love
shield me
I need your grace

Tell me once again
That I don't have to hide my face
Tell me once again
that you love me, that you don't judge me

Because my instinct is to run
My instinct is to hide
My instinct is to try and make things right
without looking to you.

My instinct is to reason
to define what's right and wrong and
take the blame and bear it.

Burdens that I carry
That you said you would bear for me

Yet the cross is at a distance.

Where am I?

Walking at a distance.

away from you.

Oh Lord... how do I even begin to know you, love you, understand you.

When you seem so far away?

On the street where I live 

BTS Skytrain - Quickest way to get around BK 

Slide 

She loves him 

Wheee!!! 

.... 

Guy on a Motorbike in Klong Toey 

Perch 

Chumchon Pattana (Development Community) 

Sunbathing Tortises! 

She was the fairest of them all 

hmmm... did the camera go off? 

Dad inspecting his soil stained hand in my favorite hangout - Benjasiri Park 

Lost child in Agalico's enchanted garden :) 

Thru' the looking glass 

Agalico - sunlight shading my ways, soothing my days 

Agalico's quaint, old world, white washed interiors.  

Agalico's Enchanted Garden 

Wabi Sabi 

If I were

If I were and you weren't
whose to say what would happen

If I happened and you didn't
Maybe things would be so very different

If I was born on a ship
grew up on that ship and
never emerged from that ship

Touched only by music and once in life
by a beautiful face
that passed me by with 3000 others

Maybe I'd find that peace that eludes me
On that day when I knew what I wanted
What I could do
and what I couldn't

When things were settled in me.

Maybe I could be who I was meant to be.

Rest Day

Oooh... I took another day off from work today. I think I'll need a job that gives me plenty of flexibility to think, reflect and catch up on life!

I went to yet another cool cafe. This one's called 'Le Gourmet' and .. let me tell you.. if there's one place that's value for money.. it's this place. It's at a quiet back corner of a Japanese strip of shops and supermarkets. I found out about the cafe from a Jap. Magazine that had been translated into Thai for the Bangkokians (and others who can read Thai i guess)

Anyway, what a cute little shop! There was glass table which had goldfishes swimming in it! Yes really! I wanted to sit on that table but then I realized there wasn't enough leg room and wasn't too conducive for me to study.

Anyway, the menu is like this, you can order a tea and it comes with a cake or chocolate of your choice (all the stuff is imported from France I think) and so I ordered a Chamomile Tea and some chocolate looking petite cake. And they brought those two items and an ice tea (welcome drink) and a plate of four macaroon (welcome dessert?) to my table.

Spent about 2 hours or so just working on my Japanese workbook. It was really hard finding words in those word mazes that were in there, had to keep on referring to the earlier pages ... now I know how to say and write 'Island' , 'duck' and 'wind' in Japanese. ... 'Shima', 'Ahiru', 'Kaze' respectively. HAhah.. my great acheivement of the day. So glad I decided to pay this rather expensive coffeeshop a visit instead of the nearby Gloria Jeans man. The number of cool coffeeshops and restaurants in Bangkok is simply endless - even the most intrepid explorer would have difficultly visiting all of them. Some of them are just so hidden away it's impossible to find, even with a map. Trust me, I tried finding this Cafe called 'To die for' on Thonglor street last week. I spent an hour trying to find it. It really was quite a mortal experience.

Dinner beckons.

Will update with some really cool pics of this other cafe I visited the other day called 'Agalico' mmm.... another piece of heaven.

I want to be a kid again 

Crying

So I had a splitting headache today and yesterday at work. And I just thought I needed to get some rest.
I got back home and I went into my room and switched off the lights to just chill.

and then.. suddenly,
I kinda heard this little voice saying, 'deb deb...'
and I was like 'er...hey ... yeah?'

'wait for me'

and then suddenly, in my minds eye I had this image of a small little kid talking to a grown up me.

And the conversation went something like...

small kid: 'deb deb... '
older me: 'yeah?'
small kid: 'won't you stay with me?'
older me: 'yeah sure'
small kid: 'deb deb... '
older me:'ahuh?'
small kid: 'will you look after me?'
older me: 'yeah... sure'
small kid:' deb deb...'
older me: 'ahuh?'
small kid: 'do you love me?'
older me: 'yeah, why not?'
small kid: 'why yes?'
older me: 'well.. coz' you're cute...and...'

suddenly... i just kind of sense what that little kid was saying... she was so full of questions but i think the one thing she really wanted was for me to hug her tight and forget about saying anything else. Coz' sometimes, words just can't express the depth of emotion one has keep locked inside for so long. The little girl I left behind in my youth. The little girl who's always been trailing behind me, darting out of sight everytime i turned around.

Today I hugged her. Loved her... and told her... nothing. Nothing at all. But I cried with her.. for all the things that we couldn't understand. For all the hurt that we experienced. For the things that we saw that hurt us, for the distance that had grown between us in all these years. For all the pain that words cannot explain.

Was I born to be a roadside hawker?