I want to be a kid again 

Crying

So I had a splitting headache today and yesterday at work. And I just thought I needed to get some rest.
I got back home and I went into my room and switched off the lights to just chill.

and then.. suddenly,
I kinda heard this little voice saying, 'deb deb...'
and I was like 'er...hey ... yeah?'

'wait for me'

and then suddenly, in my minds eye I had this image of a small little kid talking to a grown up me.

And the conversation went something like...

small kid: 'deb deb... '
older me: 'yeah?'
small kid: 'won't you stay with me?'
older me: 'yeah sure'
small kid: 'deb deb... '
older me:'ahuh?'
small kid: 'will you look after me?'
older me: 'yeah... sure'
small kid:' deb deb...'
older me: 'ahuh?'
small kid: 'do you love me?'
older me: 'yeah, why not?'
small kid: 'why yes?'
older me: 'well.. coz' you're cute...and...'

suddenly... i just kind of sense what that little kid was saying... she was so full of questions but i think the one thing she really wanted was for me to hug her tight and forget about saying anything else. Coz' sometimes, words just can't express the depth of emotion one has keep locked inside for so long. The little girl I left behind in my youth. The little girl who's always been trailing behind me, darting out of sight everytime i turned around.

Today I hugged her. Loved her... and told her... nothing. Nothing at all. But I cried with her.. for all the things that we couldn't understand. For all the hurt that we experienced. For the things that we saw that hurt us, for the distance that had grown between us in all these years. For all the pain that words cannot explain.

Was I born to be a roadside hawker? 

What color is your Parachute?

I'm going out of my mind trying to think of what I should do after I graduate. I never thought it'd be a big deal... but now i'm really worried about my job prospects. It seems like I've got precious little stamina when it comes to working. As it is, I'm going into work at 10am plus four days a week and checking out at 3pm. And I'm feeling EXHAUSTED. Maybe it's also 'coz translation work really takes alot out of you.

I've been thinking about my job prospects and about what kind of job I'll get after I graduate. Main questions are...

1) will it be interesting?
2)will I be able to do it well?
3) will the people I work with be cool?
4) will it be a job that does not confine me to the office?
5) will it pay me enough to support my loose-spending lifestyle?
6) will it pay me enough to support all my other hobbies
7) will it take me outside of Singapore?


I've been feeling so tired of late. It's all the cafe-hopping and tea drinking which causes me insomnia that's to blame of course. In three weeks here.. i've already blown $600 bucks. And I don't even know what on!

Sigh... how will i ever earn enough to support myself.

HELP!!!!

Facts of Life

Work is mostly never really what we want to do
mostly boring, repetitive and tedious
Parents are disappointing beings
The things that you REALLY want to do always seem
just alittle out of your reach
The people that you really want in your life also seem
just alittle out of your reach

Facts of life.

I think i'm learning them well and learning them fast.

I hope I unlearn them soon enough.

Zenotti's

Well, I checked out this place with a friend today who had been raving about it from before... =) it was alright. Italian food, good ambience, good 'live' music, and good food. Pleasant company.

But anyways, there are tonnes of good italian restaurants like these all over Bangkok. This is just one of the many out there - so I guess it wasn't all that 'fatastico' for me, culinarily speaking.

Today has been a rather 'down' day for me. Not circumstancially.. but just in terms of thoughts and emotions - i mean, it's not necessarily a bad thing... but it does mean a 'low mood' day.

I don't know why really - maybe it's being in a different culture that makes me think of 'home' more.

But then again, where is 'home'?

Coz' there hasn't been a single day in my life where I felt that Singapore was home. And I can easily say that my home (as in the place where I lived) didn't feel really like a home for most of my life.

And where do my thoughts go to at times like these ... I dunno.. distant sun-drenched images of childhood: my parents pulling me out on a rubber tire to look at the gardens of coral reefs around Rawa island.

My brother, sister and me hanging out together, fooling around and pestering each other.

Walking down the hill in Jalan Ampang.

Walking after dinner around the neighborhood in Jalan Ampang.

Chilling out on the balcony at home in 33 Jalan Ampang.

Lying in my bed when I have just woken up, and watching the sunlight play shadows across my cupboard doors in the home I used to have in Jalan Ampang.

Epilogue

Each time i see a crowd of people
just like a fool i stop and stare
it's really not the proper thing to do
but maybe you'll be there

I go out walking after midnight
longing and lonely, a sad affair
it's not the time and place to look for you
but maybe you'll be there

you said your arms would always hold
you said your lips were mine alone to kiss
now after all those things you told me
how could it end like this?

Someday when all my prayers are answered
i'll hear a footstep on the stairs
my anxious heart will bring me to the door
And maybe you'll be there

-Diana Krall

Day off!

Day off with a capital 'D'... i've decided to take a rest from work today! Pretty slack.. hee.. but i reckon i need it. Need some time to reassess, rejuvenate, relac!

I've donned my newly bought bikini, nice light and dark blue prints, with 'boy-cut' bottoms and I've got Diana Krall playing in the background.... very nice to prance around to.

Next thing i've got to do is head down to the pool with a book and a martini. Just kidding. Sans Martini... can't be bothered to make one. Not that i actually know how to.. although there's a recipe in the BK magazine...

ok... i better get started on my day of slackin'... =)

life

life, with a non-capitalized 'l'

went to church today. Met up with Dan and Art and got to know this gal called Berwin who's also from Singapore and also here for a while- two months. She's pretty cool... but i'm soo tired. I need some 'time out'. Just some time to chill chill and be by myself and contemplate and 'feel' myself again.

The past few days have just been pretty busy with Prapti and Christine passing thru' BK.

And then there was Om - Thai guy at work that tried to put the moves on me on the first time we went out. I feel pretty freaked out by it and i hope that he's not some psychotic stalker. I foresee that work is going to be awkward now that i feel so freaked out by him.

But seriously. Who on earth tries to hold someone's hand within the 2nd day of knowing that person? YUCKS! And you know how some people are kind of sly and not upfront about things? That's kind of how i feel like he is, I kept telling him hey, i'm not comfortable with you doing this and he's like, ooh.. i'm just guiding you as we walk along the street. Bullshit.

Anyways, i'm really freaked out by this whole experience - I pray to God that he will let me meet one normal, non-perverse Thai guy out there who's fun to hang out with.... to cure me of this bad trip...

bleak....

Thank God that Dan's around ... coz' it really does make a great deal of difference to talk to someone in the city you're in who understands. I mean, i told my Dad.. but it's different than talking with a friend - like a contemporary.

Good friends really do make all the difference in life.=)

The Best of What's Around

I was walking near Khao San road about two nights ago. I saw these two stickers (see below) on the side of a bus-stop. I was so impressed and intrigued by these stickers that i koped them from the bus-stop. I had no place to put them coz' they were pretty large. So I had to stick them on my blouse and skirt. Totally unglam for a night of clubbing but oh well.. =) It's worth it.

I'm glad that I got 'em. Apologies to the artist who's art I stole... but maybe i can make up for it by displaying your art on my blog???

Anyways, I thought it'd be a Thai blog, but apparently it may not be, coz' there are some pics taken in Singapore and lots of malay slang used on the site. So maybe it's a very international Thai artist who just visited Singapore and Malaysia. Or a very creative Singaporean who sticks pictures on Thai bus-stops to gain publicity for his blog? Or a Malaysian artist???? =) C'est Interresant!

cool graffiti! 

ARTVSTS (artivists?!) 

Late mornings and lazy days

Late mornings and lazy days
should line the skies
and multiply in our lives

Late mornings and lazy days
should occupy our past, present and future

Late mornings and lazy days
gazing at my cup of O.J till the orange engulfs my mind
Late morning and lazy days
are the stuff of adjacent dreams.
The alternate path to sonambulistic Nirvana

Late mornings and lazy days
stultifyling heat and grazing air-cons
combine to create a mind-numbing madness

an emptiness that stills
an at once consumes.

Or it could be that I've been staring at the screen for too long.

Late mornings and lazy days.
I should have more of those.

Khao San Road and the 'gift of the earth'

I'm kinda reassessing if it's actually a good thing at all. I think the experience varies greatly depending on the environment and the people that you're with when you do it. And also the Quality.

I found the pubs pretty sleazy.

It was a Korean club. All the magazines were in Korean. I couldn't find a single Thai magazine to flip through while we were waiting for the DJ to get his earphones and his act together. The only Thai literature i found was a law book.
This bald Korean guy kept lurking around and tried to make conversation a couple of times. I was seriously freaked out by him and gave him my 'f*** off' look. Later on I discovered that he's the manager of the establishment.

So we waited for about 40mins for the tardy DJ. Seemed like eternity actually... time gets warped under these circumstances. I asked Prapti how she was feeling - and she said that it was like 'a bubble' in her head. That's really strange coz' I was actually thinking alot - getting more and more into my thoughts.

There were a couple of other folks playing pool at the table outside and we went to have a look. There was this one Thai guy who played particularly well. He wore a T-shirt that said 'Holiday Pleasure' (or something to that effect) We went up and got a couple of whisky cokes (free w the coupons they were handing out at Khao San)

...the music was awful. Completely in your face - the words 'Fuck me now!' kept playing. I told the DJ that the music sucked and asked him to change it to something abit more 'subtle' and he nodded and said 'I understand what you're saying, i'll do my best.' And although he changed the music to some lyric-less trance......I just couldn't continue dancing at all... it just wasn't my cup of tea.

Prapti and I left, her two friends stayed behind. On the way to another club, we bumped into some of her Mauritian friends from hall ... they speak a kind of creole in Mauritious. I find it very fascinating. I sang the song 'Feuilles-O' to them (which is in an african creole) and asked them if they understood - they did alittle, but they said that the Creole was abit different. One of them, Karoun, said that that song had abit of Spanish influence.

I studied abit about Mauritious in my Ethnic relations class - at the risk of sounding like a complete nerd I will say that it was pretty interesting talking to them with that. I asked them what they liked about Singapore and they said that you get to meet good people. But in Mauritious, things are more laidback, people take time to live.

We parted ways at the club. They were going back to get some rest. Prapti and I went into another bar (that did not check IDs seeing as how my International Student card was completely useless as they were making those illegally across the street for 100 Baht!) I ended up watching soccer, in between spates of dancing. It's actually pretty interesting.

If you're a soccer fan and familiar with jargon... I need to ask you this question, What's 'possession'?

In any case. I'm seriously reconsidering if the 'gift of the earth' is really the 'gift of the earth' - natural things can be pretty harmful as well. To the body, mind and spirit.

For some reason though - I tend to think more about my childhood UTI, and its usually good memories. Apart from that, the world can appear abit more scary or more cool depending on the people that you're with and all. In a hot climate like Thailand, you tend to 'melt' away with your thoughts UTI, but in a wintery climate ... you tend to feel alittle more 'suspended' and 'up'.

Don't know if I would do it again. But in the right time, right situations, right enviroment and with the right people - it can be a pretty cool experience.

Leaves falling

Apart from watching leaves falling from trees - I love seeing bubbles floating in the air - even better, i love creating those bubbles.

Today as i was jogging on the canal nearby - I saw a bunch of bubbles suspended in the air. Looking to the source of the bubbles i expected to see a kid blowing away at one of those bubble wands.

The only kid within range was a little girl moseying around distractedly near a man (her father i suspect) who was blowing away at a wand with much gusto.

I just couldn't help gazing at the sight and grinning to myself: Grown man relishes bubble blowing while young daughter gets bored.

But it's funny. I'd probably succumb to the fun of creating bubbles too if i had one of those wands.

On my way back I encountered father and daughter again - the father was still at it.

I loved my childhood.

Flee & Easy

Running coz' i don't know how to stop
striving coz' there's nothing else
I can do
to find that peace

Rest eludes.
Time protrudes
into the fabric of living

There never enough fabric
to cover time required
for rest

Never enough

And when you're done
hyperventilating

catching your breath

in a crowded, quiet corner
crowded coz' of your thoughts
quiet coz' of the loneliness

that's when you tired body
gives
And the only thing you can do
is to scream
with the last ounce of energy in your body

and hope that someone finds you

The Luckiest

I don't get many things the first time
in fact, I'm told that alot
now i know all the wrong turns, the stumbles, the falls
brought me here
and where was I before the day
that I first saw your lovely face
now I sin everyday

And I know
that I am
I am, I am
the luckiest

What if I'd be born
50 years before you
in a house on the street where you live
maybe I'd be outside
as you passed on your bike
would I know

And in a wide sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
and I know

that I am, I am,
I am the luckiest

I love you more than
I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man
who live to his nineties
and one day passed away in his sleep
and his wife
she stayed for a couple of days
and passed away

I'm sorry I know that's a
strange way to tell you
I know we belong

that I know that
I am, I am,
I am the luckiest

'The Luckiest' By Ben Folds

The Hairdresser Murdered my Hair

I used to like going to cut my hair.

That was when I was alot younger. Somehow i always left the hairdressers feelin' either 1) prettier or 2) cooler

I remember how I got a page-boy type hairstyle when I was 11 and i got home and my sister was like.. 'ooh wow... cool... so kewte' (or something to that effect). I nodded in assent .....I knew I was cool ... the person that looked back at me in the saloon mirror could be nothing else but cool.

Another time I went to the hairdressers and got a concave cut at the back...... and all the girl in MGS were like... 'oooh... cool'.... and one of them said that i looked super 'shuai' like 'Chen Hanwei' (who is a Singaporean Actor famous for his role as a trendy and open-minded young teacher in 'Lau Shi Jao'- one of the more popular drama serials back in the early nineties)

And I was pleased. Coz' i thought he was a pretty fine-looking.

So what's up these days with horrid haircuts?

I think the main thing is that I haven't found a hairdresser that I can stick to.

The last time I had my haircut was in Chinatown in Vancouver city. It was seven pm plus in the seedy streets of the district and most of the shops had closed. Stumbling into this one shop that was still opened was like stumbling upon an oasis in the desert.

Feeling suitably 'celebrative' especially since it was the last day of my exams, and 'in the mood for change' I asked her for a punk looking hair-style. Of course I didn't know how to say this in mandarin. So i found a picture that I liked in the magazine and pointed it out to her. So she cut it.

And it looked nothing like punk.

So much for looking cool.

*sigh*

Today I had my hair cut.. coz' my hair had grown out and was getting shaggy. I went to this hairstylist in Clementi called 'BEN'.. that has really cool black and white pics in cool black picture frames with cool white borders.

I wanted a 'trim' because i decided recently that i want to grow my hair out and keep a bob. Perhaps my days in Nanyang Primary School make me predisposed to the bob - afterall that was the furthest we could grow our hair back then.

In any case.... i said to her 'wo yao liu chang' ... 'jian yi dian er yi' which means, 'I want to leave (it) long'... 'just cut alittle bit'...

She nodded and then said (in mandarin) ok... so i'll thin out your hair alittle and layer it...I nodded...even though i was slightly dubious.. but then i supposed she knew what she must be doin. Well, in any case either she didn't understand me or I didn't mis-intrepreted what she was saying because she duly proceeded to chop off a very significant amount of hair. It was hardly a trim...and it looks like..

crap

And now ....I'm not any closer to achieving my bob.

Lesson One: cool looking hair-salon does not equal cool looking hair-cut

Lesson Two: Hairdressers have a tendency to cut your hair shorter than you'd like them to so you really have to STRESS that you just want to cut JUST A LITTLE.

*sigh* As for now....So long to looking cool and growing out a bob.

For a few more months at least. ...

and the next time i do this i'm going to make sure that i get a straight cut. No more of this 'layering' nonsense. Bah!

Movie Madness...

'The Interpreter' rocks!
Sean Penn's delicious.
Nicole Kidman's awesome and sooooo real.
love her languages and vespa and stricken eyes and intensity.
the part where she held the President at gun-point got me...
i was crying like a pok.
And i don't really know why...
but i guess it's coz' the words that he wrote meant so much to her
she had memorized the entire paragraph
And this man who had once led the country into freedom
and who once believed the words
was now the country's oppressor
and here he was. 25 years later.
Forced to revisit those words again.
by a girl he never knew.
who's family he'd taken away
a girl who had memorized those words
and internalized them
and lived by them.
only to have them betrayed - as ALL her loved ones fell
to his gun